Tuesday, July 27, 2010

THE FEAR

THAT WAS ACTUALLY A MISTAKE

I wrote out my last entry in a Word document essentially to myself and posted it on auto-pilot. It was pretty true to my state of mind right now, and it will take some time for me to digest. Of course, Nebraska read that entry and was not pleased at the possiblity of my resettlement hitting another delay. Talk about a tense moment at Eppley Airfield tomorrow afternoon. At any rate, the cat is out of the bag, so lets talk about it for a bit, shall we?

THE CAT WHO ATE THE CANARY*

*a weak play on the 'Cat Who...' mysteries by Lillian Jackson Braun, who I have never read

Right now I am at the library, printing out documents that I will need for my housing application and directions from the Airfield to my hotel and from my hotel to the housing authority. Or I should say, documents that I THINK that I will need. The sensation of having done what you needed to do and still being uncertain about having fulfilled the task is one of the actions that clog the queue in my brain. Questions abound about whether or not that I have all the documents that the Housing Authority will ask of me (who doesn't have their birth certificate, social security card and photo ID? I know that I do, yet I still am nagged by the notion that I am missing something) seems too simple and too easy. I wonder if there is a catch that I am not clear on and will find out only after flying a million (every distance to a new place is actually incalcuably great in my mind...) miles to find out that I have forgotten something. Packing my bags, at first with a permanent move in mind, is a tiring task. What to bring, what to leave and why isn't something I am looking for anywhere around? Some of my belongings are already ahead of me and I doubt if any of the boxes that are here still with me have what I would be looking for... or so I tell myself. If I did not, I would go thru them and to what end would that serve?

My friend wondered if I was so uptight when I took off for Virginia. The quick answer would be 'no', but that is only relative to the discomfort of what I feel now. I had let it be a running theme of almost any discussion of my travels how I felt about Virginia before the SFC came into my life again. Going there was a matter of me having asked for something and then having it happen, just as I asked. But there were some of the fears I am dealing with now that bothered me in making that decision as well. Are they (moves to Virgina v. Nebraska) like 'apples and oranges' or is it simply a case of it being 'fruit', only a lot more of it.

There are things that I do not have any need or desire to prove to anyone else about being brave and of my willingness to take chances. So finally I have run up against something that has me flat out scared. So sue me. Reading profiles about people who are also brain injury sufferers, the mood swings and changes in character are a pas de deux that I can reliably expect to play out for the rest of my life. As to the darker corners of this outlook I will not go into because I have already 'touched gloves' with them at the introduction and there is no need to acknowledge them again outside of a therapy session.

Each time I start to rationalize an issue it comes back stronger and more intense than before. I have already spent a sleepless weekend, had a sleepless start to the week and I don't see any sleep on the horizon.

7 comments:

LceeL said...

This is why I wish I could afford to retire. 'cause if I was retired, I'd drive to Detroit, pick you up, and drive your butt to Nebraska - only so you could go with less fear - only so you could go in the company of a friend. Because, you know. That's what friends do.

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

That was a very caring post LceeL. Mark, try to get some rest. You are going into unchartered waters but perhaps your fatigue is making you uncertain. You won't know until you try.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

It is a fact finding trip, keep an open mind and let what will be, be.

mrs. miss alaineus said...

go gently on that zephyr, mark.

at worst, that plan b house isn't gonna sell in a fortnight. there is no shame in going and coming back, nor is there any victory in staying, only the truth of knowing what will become of the 'what ifs' that keep you up.

go gently on that zephyr, mark.

xxalainaxx

DB said...

Mark, having moved many times in my life, uprooted, relocated, I learned to divest myself of things I think are unimportant and not drag them with me. The baggage of opinions and regrets are not worth the stuggle to keep when a new beginning looms. You may wish you had kept some and wish you had not brought others but when it's done adaptations are the rule.

You may get there, turn around and come back to a comfortable place, I've done that also, but if you can make a new place of comfort may some of the old ways pass.

You may take more than you need, but so what. Get it done and put your feet on your own floor.

DB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I hope you do get some sleep, Big Mark, and I wish you sweet dreams.

Love,

SB

Aurora said...

Mark,
Issues beg to be dealt with. That's why they don't go away until you do deal with them.

Life is both simple and complex that way:)