Thursday, June 3, 2010



Today was supposedly THE day that I bring a resolution to my issues with the Family Court here in the Motor. Of course my ever pleasant ex-wife was there, and she was as friendly as ever. Which is to say, she wasn't at all friendly or polite at all. We did have a few moments before the hearing where we were civil to one another. A lot of that had to do with the way that I greeted her when she exited the elevator and came into the waiting area for the hearing. When I saw her, I enthusiastically called out her name as though she was my friend. It was quite involuntary because the contempt and dislike that I have for her isn't something that actually comes that easily to the surface. Given the venue I was assured that she wouldn't come in the best of moods.

Would like to say that I was trying to purposely be disarming, but the truth is the truth. At one time in my life I told her that I loved her and I meant it. Lacking on the follow thru of that vow and I own that. Thing is, she NEVER liked to be called out on her problems in our marriage. After I felt the 'character' that I would need for the hearing coming back, we started our conversation.

She asked about my sister and her wedding. Then she asked about wayward Jan who I haven't kept in touch with, but heard she is around here somewhere. Then we-- she got to 'us'.

Apparently the violence she perpetuated was many things to her. First of all, it was justified by my 'run 'n shoot' behaviour and that caused her to lash out. Then there was my singular episode where she pushed THAT button. Even with my lashing out, I reminded her, she instigated the episode and had finally 'found' the right button. Not that I was saying that she 'paid for what she got', but even with that isolated incident, it paled in comparison to her rages. It didn't bother her to hit me in front of our children and I reminded her of the time my darling brother carried her from the house after a daring 'midnight attack'.

"Not saying that it (marriage fail) was your fault", I told her, " but I do wonder what would have happened if you had kept your hands to yourself. As far as my unfaithfulness is concerned, I don't know what happened first, your decision to jump me because of your internal disappointments or my choice of finding the serenity I thought I had married into, elsewhere." It did go without saying that much of our problems WERE her fault and the underlying issues would further muddy our appearance before the referee.

My fingers are crossed as far as that is concerned. I can hope that the motion I filed and the decision she recommended will be followed and I will be free of the burden of having to deal with our support case. It was hard to say because much of being before the referee was not finding out where the miscommunication was between agencies but of her trying to slander me in front of an audience. Her trying to make me look or feel small isn't new and I let her go with whatever trash she is talking. I had my eyes on the road and kept them there.

The line about families and how it is in their misery and not their happiness where the unique qualities are found definitely applies to my life. I am sure that whatever qualifies me to be 'likable' has to do with why we don't get along. For someone like her and with the different demons that she battles with, I could be an 'enabler'. Being laid back isn't a highly valued commodity in her potential partner. Or maybe it is just me, much in the way that I think that it is just 'her'.

Not only is she different with me and my relationship with our girl than she was when she was married, she is different than she was from when she had a boyfriend... in fact, whenever she is either content or she has a 'one up' over me, she is more pleasant and amenable. In fact I thought she may have found something in my condition (although I don't go into details about it... with her or ANYONE for that matter) to 'one up' me over. I wouldn't put that past her.


After today, I won't ever make a point of keeping my feelings separate from how I describe her, should I ever find myself in the position of introducing her to anyone. She is a ghetto tackhead, without refinement and suffering from her own unfulfilled expectations of life. And I say this for those who find understanding of my ex-wife's actions and also tries to make that fit in with what they know of ME.

That 'well as a woman I can see where...' is a bunch of horeshit. I know that it isn't popular to advocate for then non-custodial parent, but life is something else. You can't possibly know the particulars for each case.

After a long and frustrating day, when I got back to the house I had an envelope waiting on me. It was from Carolina and it was pictures of KT and her Mom, Nixxie. She even put a sticky note on one and it said, "She looks like you", and she does!! Only prettier and in a evening gown!!

I thought that made for quite a contrast. Here I spent the day grappling with someone who makes the claim she'd like for me to have a relationship with our child but does absolutely nothing to facilitate that happening. And on the other hand, there is the actual taking of the steps to make that a reality.

Got hit with the 'whatever you got to do in order to sleep' line. Guess my copyright has run out on it cause I told her, "... you already KNOW how I sleep. Deep and relaxed every night." Traditionally I don't let her get a rise out of me, thinking with that is to avoid any deeper emotional investment in her. Given the dated intel I have on her... I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad this is behind you and hope it goes your way.

I am about a week a way from child support redux, and it is looking good so far.

Aurora said...

Sounds very intense and complicated, with many things contributing to the demise and frustration. Pain rarely dissolves when issues still linger in some way.
If only we could talk to 5 of our potential mates former lovers/friends BEFORE we got emotionally hooked into them, I suspect it would make quite a difference.
What EXACTLY did the court decide?

Lovebabz said...

It doesn't matter how this plays out. You know who you are and have moved yourself forward. You can stand back from this and look at it with limitted interest. The outcome will be what it will be. You my friend have stared down the devil and was unmoved.

This marriage cannot be the blueprint for future loveships. You learned a lot from this. You know what you need, you know what you can accept and what you cannot. Although painful, you got a gift. See it as such and be open for true love.

And thank you for being the very first commenting guest on the new blog! Maybe cooking will be for you what it is for me...healing. Give it some thought :)

I'm Just Musing said...

Mark, I know I don't comment alot, but I just want to say that you and I are one in the same when it comes to our lives and the feelings we have.
I too, told my ex-wife I loved her, and I meant it then, and I still do I guess, but I have learned there are so many types of love out there. Now, as you know, I have found what I believe to be my true love. It took some doing but I finally found it.

I was lucky, when my ex and I split, the kids were grown so there were no custody battles, support battles etc. When you have nothing there is nothing to share, so it was an amicable parting, well as amicable as it could be. We are civil to each other when we see each other, and I still invite her to my side of the family's functions, although she usually doesn't come, becasue my family was always more of a family to her than her own.
Anyway, I'm rambling. All I know is I have gone from the "life sucks" stage to the "life is wonderful" stage, and I hope you will too.

Cathy said...

You really got a dose of cliche hell didn't you my friend. But by venting it, sharing it, you lessened any toxic remnants that existed. Smart. Now we can comment on your most personal of moments in life and with good intent try to concoct a balm that might work for us, too. This post is one reason I keep doing this stuff.