HOPE AND DISAPPOINTMENT

DYING FOR EACH OTHER


This has been a long week. Hard to believe that in 48 or so hours I will be deplaning at the McNamara Terminal of Detroit Metro Airport once again, headed for my Father's house.


Saying I have mixed feelings would be an understatement. I have to remind myself that I need to make sure that if I allow myself to feel sorry and hurt for anyone, that I should do so for myself. A lot of the uncertainty that I am feeling isn't for me... it rarely is at times like this, my taking leave of Mookie and lil' Mook being a noticeable exception.


You'd think that it would be easy to play the victim when things do not go according to plan when it comes to 'love and happiness'. I mean, it is a veritable cottage industry, with folks of questionable qualifications writing books (c'mon, Greg Behrendt??) about relationships and many of them of the 'Mars v. Venus' variety. There is always a way to make it the other person's fault. Or your parents. Or maybe the dog.


The idea that it could be about the person in the mirror is often done so in passing, a transition to find the next institution or subject to blame for what is an individual short fall. Should a person find a way to accept responsibility for fail in a relationship, it would seem that society encourages them to find a sycophant to feed their need to dissolve the blame. Who wants to believe that they contributed to their own unhappiness anymore?

When I was inspired to go over some of the loves of my life, in the hopes that there was some material left for us to work with and we would stitch together the remnants of love strewn about like a kittens ball of yarn, I had a nagging question. Why? How could that be a rational course for me?

I wondered what made reopening past relationship a sensible proposition. In fact when things didn't spark of between Tee Jay and I last summer, I felt a relief. My goal to live on my own and make a life is challenging enough. I will have to rely in no small part on the bureaucracy that the Tea Bag folks fail to realize make much of what makes this country what it is, viable.

Today, I found a place to hang that hat.

The concept of 'dying for each other' didn't have its name when I 'gave my life' for the SFC, but it existed in my mind. It wasn't a myth, a fable that I would tell myself to boost my self esteem but a truth. I would do whatever I had to up to and including sacrificing my life and well being for another person. Been sticking up for people, friends and family for a while. Even for folks that I was fond of and weren't aware of how much they meant to me... or maybe it is like the cat in the movie 'Hero'. Just can't help myself when I think the time comes for someone to do something... I don't wait until it is near the witching hour to act, I will go when it looks to me that it is time to go.

I could tell people until I was blue in the face about me, but how could they understand what I was trying to say? After all, who was there at the world's beginning and who will be there at its end?

My sisters, bless 'em, never understood how selfless I could be for them; neither did my ex wife get it while we were married. It bothered me that they couldn't see it because I thought they should have.

Lexxie and KT's Mom's fall under a different personal category and code of conduct. Maybe I will tell that story or not, we will see. I like to think that people can pick up a certain amount of ... hmm, daresay, courage and a sense of responsiblity in me as they grow aquainted with me, but I am never too sure of it...

... and perhaps that is why I am in Virginia. To be reminded that the person that I thought I was is STILL the person that I am. And that is something I needed to have going forward in my life. During the late 90's and early part of this decade, I had lost so much that I forgot who I really was. And perhaps that is why I had to go back... to get that guy so I can go forward.

I didn't die. I am still here and well enough to make the life that I want for me.

A while ago, I was asked if coming back to Detroit was going to be a permanent thing. Nope, it isn't. It won't be a permanent thing at all, even if I were to win a huge lottery pot (though it would be hard not aim for a mansion on Lake St. Clair in the Pointes!). I am not ready to surrender to hardship and difficulties, though it will be nice to hit up a few more spots that I missed when I was at home the last time... like a play at the Hilberry Theatre and going out to Cranbrook.

Anywho... though I feel sadness there is also release in the new possiblity of heading into uncharted lands. Like Calvin said to Hobbes those years ago on his sled, "Let's go exploring!!"