THIRTY-TWO HOUR DAYS
That is what the other day felt like for me. I estimate that I have lost about .25 in my general abilities per act. Each thing that I was not familiar with combined with all the stress to sap away at my energy. When I got in, I was a whipped puppy!!
I don't feel that I communicate enough about my injury and how it affects my everyday. I don't look like there is anything wrong (at least nothing that a 'What Not To Wear' fashion make over couldn't cure!!) with me. But there is something occuring with me and trekking downtown I think it may have shone out some, like a bra strap or a pair of pants that needs to be pressed. The kind of frustration that I feel on some days is hard to put into words... and that I don't have them is part of the frustration!! Not to mention some of the grammar errors that I make in comments, which are more frustrating than the 'goof 'em ups' here. Leaving poorly written replies shows a lack of depth or grasp on the topic of the day, making me seem like a guy who isn't as smart as he thinks he is (Glen Beck!! He blurts out, invoking the spirit of Kevin Nealon's 'Mr. Subliminal) in a poor constructed attempt at sounding like I am someone who knows what they are talking about.
When I talk about 'the environment', it is because I would like to be in a place where some of the anxieties that I have to deal with in some places are left there and they don't follow me wherever I am. And that the tiny voice in my soul can be heard.
MORE STORIES THAT YOU TELL YOURSELF
Right now I am trying to figure out what it is I am trying to tell myself... what I want to believe in order for me to move on and get into living again. There are other hidden things that I won't ever share with anyone about the circuit that I recently completed. Some of the timing of 'life's complexities' combine to form the twilight in my life. One of the things that 'a yes, a no, a straight line, a goal' was supposed to become for me, is that of a mission statement. People mess up trying to 'overstand' something. I think that I have done it several times before. I don't want to have that happen with this latest adventure of mine.
The biggest reason that I think things didn't work out is that I wasn't willing to try to overcome the obstacles that I faced in Virginia. Not that they were too imposing but I simply didn't want to, not like how I fought my way through the last couple of days here. Wherever else I go, I expect to put up with the some of the same things, with the difference being that they will be ones that I chose to accept.
I don't know if I could have more of myself into being there... or being with the SFC.
7 comments:
i second that. there are tons of stuff i write about i cant talk about. it helps. be well.
xxalainaxx
Stop talking to yourself and have a joyous 40th Earth Day, fellow human!
Mark,
Hope you got some sleep and are rested today.
I haven't been reading your blog enough to understand exactly what you are facing.
Without it, I was puzzled by your post with regard to specifics, i.e. what your injury is.
Your grammar has been excellent on the comments you've left me - a keen intelligence shines through.
I think assuming progress is a straight line is where you can trip yourself up - it seems to be more of a meandering line, and the learning curve comes with it.
We do ineffective things initially, and gradually, with practice and determination, learn what is more effective and then use that other approach.
Accepting things with grace sometimes means not fighting things - and then oddly enough, another solution or way will present itself.
Hearing the tiny voice in your Soul is hugely important. Because that is where your guides are.
My instincts have NEVER steered me wrong when I listened to them - ignoring them has gotten me into trouble every time.
Good luck with this. Anything can be done, one small piece at a time.
And remember to congratulate yourself after each step has been accomplished!
The comment you left me today speaks more eloquently about you and what you're capable of than anything you've ever said here, on your blog.
In One Hundred Four words, you took my idea and ran with it - and completed the story. If it had been 100 Words, I was going to copy it and make it an entry in the 100 Word Challenge - credited to you, of course. But at 104 Words, it violates the rules.
Nonetheless, what you did shows imagination, literary courage and an innate ability to write.
Damn well done, man.
I know you need to get things done now that you are back at your dad's, Mark, but I wonder too if you just need a type to decompress and sort out everything you've been going through and thinking through over the past few months and then things hopefully won't sap your energy so much. I honestly think you probably gave it the best shot you could in Virginia.
betty
I haven't read for a few days, but just got caught up. My general impression is that despite some setbacks, you're doing well...and you're going to be just fine. You are still the same optimistic and introspective Mark that we all know and love, and I don't doubt for a moment that you will prevail. L&R, Beth
Don't look back friend, keep your eyes on the path. You will find the right fork on your next journey.
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