PILLARS IN MY MIND

From pining away for a former girlfriend to dealing with my condition, I saw promise with my attempt to research and mine my past. I should have put a 'sell by date' on that idea...

The risks involved with dealing with the past is that you may get lost in it. For me it was never a worry about getting lost in it... partly because being in Detroit and getting stuck there was a constant worry. Not because I 'hate' on my homies back in the Motor. The same problems that Detroit is flogged with is similiar to what is gripping most of the other large Metro areas, particularly those attached to aging industries and crumbling infrastructure. That did not play a factor in my looking for a life outside of the city.

Whatever it is that inspired me to want to wander off into the ultraworld, is as unknown as the answers to the questions that whisper in emptiness of my soul. The past few months, as the internal whispers are prone to do, they have grown louder like a cry of hounds scenting and tracking quarry. That to me, is the really enemy of dealing with 'what was'. For some, 'what was' still 'is'. For me it would come down to the missing of the rising of the tide...

At any rate, me revisiting has now served to remind me that I was potentially someone special and that there is still the residue of that around me. I hope.

BECAUSE I MAY HAVE MISSED THE LAST OR NEARLY THE LAST ONE OF MINE

It has not been difficult for me 'cheerlead' for others... I offer encouragement when and where I can. If I am going to say something inappropriate, I would like to think it is on the side of being 'light' without the implication of touching on something hurtful. "Be the change you want to see in the world", a bunch of inspring folks have advised. All I know is that for real, that has been something that I put a lot of work into being.

So I have given out positive energy when ever I could (unless you ask Pecan Sandie... as far as she is concerned, I am the focus of her 'Two Minute Hate') without putting any qualifications on it. I don't think that being positive is far from love, which is why I don't feel uncomfortable sending out love to people. Because for me, I took it as a 'given' that life would love me back!

Not excusing anything, all the love that life gave to me was more than I had prepared myself for. So for all of the downs I have had, no matter how bitter and dark as they may have seemed... I do think that a corresponding possibility has occured. And that is what I mean about 'love'... the possiblity of something better, something hoped for.



The things that I have 'hoped for' I was pretty much given the chance to make the big run at all them, or nearly all of them. That I may have missed my moment(or two... or even three!). Which is another reason I had been a 'once done is done' kind of a person for most of my life. Never put any malice into moving on... but I had kept it moving.

Believe it or don't, I am not much for saying 'I tried'. Either I can or I can't... I will or I won't... I did or I didn't. You can get that from me but 'I tried', not so much. A part of me erodes at the idea of applying the idea of 'I tried' in my mind. Because if 'you tried', then it means that 'you didn't'. The only time I can remember thinking of it as a compliment was in my other life as a sparring partner to the semi-well known. Having the champ say that I was the 'tryingest ni&&a' he knew was way cool. But saying that I tried to be... anything, is so less than good to me.

There is a tide in the affairs of men...

Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life

Is bound in shallows and in miseries.

On such a full sea are we now afloat... And we must take the current when it serves,

Or lose our ventures.

Brutus said that to Cassius in the play 'Julius Ceasar'. It is interesting how something you may have read and understood one at one time can disappear from you thoughts, only to reappear during an approriate time. I read that in 'Character Is Destiny' by John McCain. As soon as I heard the words I was sitting next to my Mom at the Hillsbury Theatre... flashing ahead to my bedroom and lying on the bed furiously scribbling out a paper on the play and the discussion in Mrs. Schoen's class...

And this time, I have found an appropriate answer for any question I'd have to ask a mortal. Now if was sittin' and watchin' Scotty do his thing, perhaps I'd ask someone then and expect an answer. But since I am not and I won't ever get that chance, I will dredge my way through the muck and get to shore.

HENDERSON TOWN HALL v. CPAC

I do put in an effort to see what is going on with the conservative movement. Listening to Michelle Bachman and all the other uninformed that spout their opinion in the Tea Bag movement, then to contrast it to the image of President Obama at the town hall, it makes me wonder if the Dems are going to rally to him. He is obviously more capable than anyone that the GOP has on the present horizon. But the Dems are shrinking violets when it comes to supporting the President.

Not only does he know how to connect to people, I am going to go out on a limb and say he does have a plan. But right now Washington is playing to the special interest crowd. That is the biggest reason for the health care hold up. I think that they are more worried about losing their big buck contributors and post political career wonk and lobbying jobs.

I voted for President Obama because I COULDN'T HAVE voted for McCain and risk the chance of a Palin Presidency. I also thought that the McCain surge had more to due with special interests than Obama's rise in the polictical scene. But now I am warming up to the guy. Maybe he will be a visionary... if he can get health care done and people back to work, then he will be on his way.

And that concludes my 'sign of life' portion of the entry!!

YEAH I KNOW, RIGHT?

Getting long. But I already tell myself a lot of 'you go, boy!' stuff not to be feeling like I am. Still not sold on the wisdom of allowing myself to 'feel bad to feel good', since I may well be as Brutus suggests, 'lost to the shallows and miseries'. Hope still IS... not WAS, in my mind.

What hope is exactly..? That is what I am trying to figure out.