Since I Feel Like Writing...

WITH NOTHING IN PARTICULAR TO WRITE ABOUT


So let's see what comes up and out.


I KNOW THAT FEELING


I'm also so lonesome. I've only managed to make one non-digital friend out here in the big bad "Real" world. And.. she's temporary. She's not wholly my friend nor am I wholly hers. We are filler for each other.

Something that I got from some one's journal. Sure that I am not the only one who identifies with that feeling. It doesn't have to denote exactly what is what, but I know I have been there enough to know what makes me say things like that.

Love & Rockets is about that feeling. I include that in my signature in emails and in personal letters ever since the song was released. I know I have spoken about what I liked about it and how I used to read a comic with the same title as the band's name.

Again, not that this reflects in any way what is happening here. It is more that when you feel something for so long, you still have it echoing around inside of you. Sometimes I wonder why it never really changed for me, why I couldn't turn that corner. Those are the things I wish that I could have inserted in my 'moments of clarity', the ability to turn that corner and make a different choice.

While I didn't keep which entry it was where keeping things in perspective was mentioned over in 'the Junction', I do have it printed up and can quote from it. The first line she uses almost was prescient. She posted it before the disaster in Haiti. She opens with "... I am able to put things in perspective and realize that compared to the problems that people have all over the world, I am a very fortunate person." I share those feelings even with the losses and 'Lemony Snicket-ing' in my life. I am a fortunate cat. But part of why people are unable to see beyond their own concerns is that what do you do when things happen to YOU, begins a separation.

MY KARMA BEAT UP YOUR DOGMA

So does that mean that because my bitterness and frustration with my 'karma deficit' ( which I also appropriated from elsewhere for use here), by not reaching the suffering of others around the world is making a mountain out of a molehill? I think not.

It is also why I kept the 'repetition saves lives' line from my service in the Army. Sometimes we have no choice but to return to things in our past, revisit them and find out what could have been different and wonder how to get to a different result when faced with familiar circumstance.

Even with what I owe, I don't think that my deficit is as great as all that. In fact that is what makes the fact that I didn't get to the weigh in on time, or let when my then-fiancee dis Tommy Hearns without giving her a pink slip and well wishes with her life...

...or anyone else that I let mean a lot to me without their having reciprocal feelings towards me. Somewhere, I am sure there is a therapist for that! Failing that, I am under the impression that THIS is it for me and relationships. Maybe being part of a couple is not for me. And really, I don't mind.