Wednesday, November 18, 2009

WILL I EVER GET THE BALANCE RIGHT?

THINKS THE SQUARE ROOT OF FOUR IS RAINBOWS*

Some days are harder for me than others. Wanted to go to the Workforce Connection or Commission place to see about getting some help in finding a job. At first, I figured I would hop on Trixie and scoot over to where I need to go.

The only road I am familiar with other than the one we live on, is Route 1, Richmond Highway. Oh, and lets not forget the lack of sidewalks in the immediate vicinity and that trends into why I didn't make it out today. I am sure that it isn't like that all over town, but I can't be sure because ...

... I don't go out. The gym is prolly a mile away and a straight shot. Feel pretty confident doing that. But going beyond the spot where I go to get a haircut is pretty dicey for me. Each day I try to tell myself to simply get out and get lost somewhere and then find my way back. And each day I find myself saying, 'Who are YOU kidding? For REAL, not for play.

When I think about my new environment, I can't help but think of the feelings I held about the area before I arrived. It isn't 'cute' thinking about being in the Metroplex because along with the ATL, it isn't a place I would have wanted to come back too, if it could be helped.

So, can it be? And if not, then ..?

BLIND AS A BAT

So its time for ME. I know this will piss some people off. But in all the years I gave to my family, I deserve to have some time to myself now. I sacrificed alot. No...no one made me. I gave it willingly and with lots of love, and I gave it everything I had. And I think I did a pretty good job. so now I need to turn some of that attention on myself.

That should have been something engraved in my mind. I got that from another journal, and that is part of what made up what I call 'the other 47%' of what went into my decision to come here.

I talk about my misteps and as Moz would plead, "Don't rake up my mistakes, I know exactly what they are". No, I haven't been anyone's huckleberry and never laid claim to being one. If the results of my choices brought me to this state, then it is what it is. No worries here.

Part of what made me snag that bit is not only did it define for me the mood of her post, but it also captured what I think is part of the essence of what is in my thoughts right now. I have felt like I was living those words at several times over my life and it is something that I have passed on taking definitive action on and it has been to my detriment. "Sick down to my heart, but that's just the way it goes."

BEAR DOWN

Maybe UA will get their chance to play in a Rose Bowl this season. Winning out will be quite a task, playing the Ducks of Oregon, instate rival ASU and USC on the road. It could be done, but the Magic 8 Ball says 'highly unlikely'.

I am telling myself to 'bear down' and keep on moving forward. Yeah, tomorrow I will get out of the house and get to where I am going. Got everything printed out and I know where to stand and all that mess.

Like Beth, some of this isn't going to be popular. And maybe the times I should have sacrificed I didn't and the times that I did, maybe I shouldn't have.

Since those words have acted like acetone in my heart and mind, I think I will be hovering around them for a bit.

6 comments:

DELLA REESE said...

I support you on your journey. We are sort of in the same boat in a lot of ways. I try to suck it up and just do it if it needs to be done...hurts a lot of times ....but i do it!

miss alaineus said...

from what my sister has told me, dc is not as friendly of a place to be lost in as detroit.


be well friend. baby steps.


xxalainaxx

Indigo said...

Few people know what exactly happened to me soon after I became totally deaf. I started to fear going out by myself. Then I couldn't go any further than the end of my dead-end street. Within weeks I became a shut-in literally. Hard to believe when you see me today. And I was familiar with everything.

It was the fear of a different environment, a different way of seeing things. Not hearing if someone came up behind me. The reasons could go on forever. In the end I had to make a concious effort to go beyond my stopping point.

Each day I went a little further, another street. Until the day I didn't want to stop and just kept walking. If I don't make myself go out all the time, I'm afraid I'll fall right back into the same pattern of never going beyond my driveway. (One of the reasons I got Pickles, she forces me to go out. To take care of her needs.)

Is it still daunting? Yeah it is. But life is way too short to wait until I find my comfort zone. So I have to challenge it. (Hugs)Indigo

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark,
I wish you lots of courage. New environments are tough. I've just started following your blog so I don't know what all the issues are, but the fact that you can vocalize your apprehension is the first step in overcoming any fears.

That corgi :) said...

Mark, can you get one of those GPS systems? So as long as you know an address of where you are at then you can find your way back home. Is there a pattern to the streets there too so if you know if you go so many blocks you'll hit a big street that will lead you back (or something similar)? I know how hard it is to get around in a new place; I liked Indigo's comment on how she got herself out. Just be careful and keep your cell phone with you in case you need to call for directions or help. I know you'll do fine

betty

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

No apologies, take the time for you to get in your groove and be with your girl.

Having said that, you need to push the envelope a little each day. I remember you showing us the town, and you need to get that same thing on there.