Monday, October 26, 2009

THE DARKER SIDE OF PALE

IT'S ALWAYS FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES AND EYE


This is a hard post to write. Hopefully I will get some stuff out and it will make some sense when I am finished. But first I would like to congragulate Miss Alaineus and Mr. Mischief on their engagement! What fantastic news and nothing but the best goes out to them!!


Haven't said so, but this has been a long month. Of course there have been great highs, like getting here and being with my SFC. Yet there are other issues that have cropped up, which while anticipated, the actual dealing with them have proven to be quite a challenge for me.


The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon is a constant theme in my writing(or so the Germans would have me believe!!). A lot of things seem to 'happen'. But n0thing is really 'coincidence' in life. But I think that it is cool to put things off onto things like 'The Baader-Meinhof' or say clever things (to me, anyway) like how 'this and that isn't related' and attibute something to a mystical occurence in a lighthearted way.


Reality being what it is, nothing just 'happens'.


A few weeks ago I was stumbling around the Blogger main, wondering how to you find other journals that sound interesting. I forget how it was done on AOL Journals, but it was easier to me, peeking in at other journals and reading them. Right now I feel it is more of a word of mouth thing, or someone 'catches' your eye in the comment section of your or someone elses journal.


So I have no idea of how this one journal which motivated me to take the course I am going to be on this week, came to my perception. Since the entry that really struck me has been deleted, I don't know if I should link her journal. It does seem very personal and though it is in the public domain, I had better ask her before I do all that.


And I will instead talk more about myself and see what comes out.

While Wikipedia entries can be a little sketchy, I find them handy. They tend to use everyday language that can be easily understood by anyone with a senior high school reading level. I preferred this definition of my condition because I didn't want to bog this entry down any more than I think it is going to be.

One of the contrasting things about my dealing with stuff, is that one of the biggest crosses to bear, is the one about environment. Change is difficult because routine and familiarity are important in managing the quality of life of someone who has the kind of injury I have.

I try to push myself in spite of what my diagnosis may be. The reason for that is that much is still not known on the how the brain operates and its capacity.

IT'S NOT FOR ME


When I had my fall on my bike before I moved here to Virginia, I wasn't operating at specs. I was troubled by how I felt and though the MRI was good, it wasn't 'normal'. It was good 'for you' as the doctor put it. You feel what I am saying?


Now that the subject of brain injury has gained some traction when talking about football, each weekend you see concusive hit absorbed and the awkward descriptions by the announcers sort of hang in the air, now that the dirty secret is out about football. I would tell anyone who listened in the 80's about the numbers of football players suffering from 'punch drunk syndrome' being far greater than those who boxed. Not only that, but the injuries and other problems that football players have that affected the quality of life of retired football players made me think about cats who returned from war like conditions.


Hearing about what is going on with football and seeing the older players who were weekend heroes but now are shells of themselves, shuffling around and those who are close to them struggling to take care of these gentle giants ...


BUT STILL, IT'S NOT FOR ME


I don't care what may be thought, but I don't want someone to play the suffering spouse/partner to my barely ambulatory, inaudible mumbling shell of what I once was. That was why going west had its own special appeal. It makes more sense for me to find and make my own way than it does to lean on the idea of being in a relationship on any level.


As far as 'help' with my life goes, there are people who get paid to do that, it is a matter of going to the agencies I need to and having what needs to be done, done. I think that it is more about the environment and where I am at, that will determine how well I do.


The uncertainties and vagaries of the lives of other people and their lives intersection with mine are what causes me to feel insecure about the world in general. By myself, I am good. When I was with my Dad 'an' dem', I could count on being able to close my door and shut them out of my life while I was there. Then there was the very underappreciated times where I had my own spots and was living for me.


When I would say 'it will be fine if we were just friends', when it came to going out west, that was on point. Because when someone was getting on someone elses nerve, they could go home. From Mookie and then to the jumble at my Dad's, one of the promising things about being on my own, was BEING ON MY OWN.

From my stint at my Dad's house, one of the 'elephants' that didn't get a lot of discussion was how I felt that other lives and the energy of other people conflicted my energy and desires. What is best and what is best for me isn't always the same thing. Don't know if anyone has gotten this from my journal, but there is a feeling that I haven't been appreciated or received a 'return' on the value of the sacrifice I have made for others.

I am also worn out from the contradiction that exists in my life. Being alone would mean that I would not have to explain anything or feel compelled to share anything for whatever reason. This was a way I felt that I could uncomplicate my life. Since there is going to be complications ANYWAY, the ones that I could prevent from occurring, were the ones that I wanted to work on. Whatever else, was well, whatever.

And that is part of my current personal instability. It is something that is an internal issue. There really isn't any external source for it. Just have to deal.



7 comments:

seeking the truth said...

I think I get this, Mark......I'm not sure what to say but I did want you to know that I read it and I think I understand what you are saying.....do take care of yourself

betty

Indigo said...

I think everyone that reads this will take their own meaning away with them. For me I get that "my own world" thinking. The boundaries that allow you to be who you are. I spent years perfecting them and not unlike you had them questioned when someone you care about arrives in the picture.

Add in certain things you might not like so well about yourself (for me it's my health and deafness). I can say honestly, it takes someone that cares to have the patience to let you find how to fit the new in.

Paul and I had one hell of a tug of war when we first got together. When he learned to give me my space and time, we began to finally build a lasting relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is be patient with yourself and with anyone else right now. You may know what you need but it's not readily apparent to anyone else.

Thinking of you dear friend! (Hugs)Indigo

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I think Indigo hit the nail on the head. It has not been that long since you moved to Virginia, and it is going to take some time for both of you to find the routines you need for yourselves and for each other. Patience is a virtue :o)

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, If you were talking about my last post. I have posted a new one. Life is unpredictable.

miss alaineus said...

it's a huge adjustment, no doubt, but it is also a huge stride towards making your life the way you envision it to be, tbi or no tbi, many other people dont have half the courage to live their dreams....

thanks again for the warm wishes and all the advice along the way.

xxalainaxx

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Thank you for your comments to my last post Mark.

Jenny Dagle said...

Mark, I recently finished a book written by a friend of mine on her experience with a traumatic brain injury. http://www.jennifermosher.com/

Your post gave me goosebumps!