Thursday, August 13, 2009

DON'T PUSH ME WHEN I'M HOT

TIRED STILL


I have tried several times to read and leave comments to no avail. Even now, I feel worn down. Hard to explain what I have done to feel this way. Don't seem to 'travel' well.


Took the window seat there and back to make sure it wasn't the irrational fear of heights or the sensation of flying that was working me. Could be PCS from the fall on my bike. I was going at a pretty good clip when I flipped over my handlebars, and the stress from pushing myself physically with going to DHS and then getting together to fly out was so not the tonic.


Of course, the little here and there me and the SFC did, I felt that too. I didn't want to say anything, because everybody has their 'things'. I always assume that everyone is a hypochondriac. It seems that when I have something going on with me, that they want to sidle up and tell me their story ... thing is, WHO CARES! I mean, I don't complain because I want attention ... hell, that is why I don't complain!!


LET ME DO ME ... AND YOU CAN DO YOU


One of the reasons the chances that I will send a left hook your way if you have the temerity to hit me with that phrase, the 'let you do you ...', increases, is that I didn't ask 'your' permission to do me. When it comes down to it, I am going to make my own decision, with my idea of what is the best way for me to go about getting from point 'A' to point 'B'.



THAT is what made 'the Nebraska Concept' such a good one. At the top of that pyramid, was me taking care of myself as best I can, and being happy. The whole 'do I deserve love' and the entire companionship equation was not a necessary requirement of fulfilling my overarching goal.


Which is, to be happy.


Despite the ups and downs of my current residence, I am (was) pretty near happy. I was content in thinking that I was going to finally be able to live for me. Been a long time since I have really done that, and it has been the living with someone in my life, that the trouble starts.


That was one of the things about going out west that really appealed to me. I would be able to find my way, for me. Would not have to worry about whether or not anyone thought 'this or that' about what I was doing or where I was going. If the highlight of my day consisted of going to the mailbox and back, the SO FREAKIN' BE IT.


I aim to go to my clinic tomorrow, to see if I indeed suffer a concussion last week. Prolly should have done that when it happened, but c'est la vie. Billy Joel sang about it being 'My Life', and I agree. It is my life, and I don't necessarily WANT to be worried about me.


SORTA OF RANDOM ... AFTER ALL, IT IS A JOURNAL


So if it doesn't make sense, well, damn. Sorry 'bout it. But people like Katy here, just tick me the hell off. I saw this on Beth's Face Book, and figured she made a good post about it. Since she was pretty well spoken about her, I will just second what she said, and spice it up about the ignorance Katy displays.



Not interested in politics until now? I have been interested since Watergate, when I was what, 8 ... 9 years old? Doesn't know if her hubby is bringing in $250k? Oh, come on!! Trust me honey, you would know if 'Big Papi' was bringing in that much cheddar. Too busy for politics, busy trying to be a wife and a mother. Forget the concerned citizen that acts with an eye on the future of said interests.



This is the kind of subversive division that keeps people apart. How can she be that kind of ignorant, and still draw the applause that she does? Same thang with Sarah Palin. How do they do it?



We had 118 names wanting to be elected to the City Council here in Detroit. Had some felons, people of questionable character and identities ... *sigh* Man, I wish that I HAD done better in high school. Then I could have possibly become a responsible enough person to be a civic leader. Maybe instead of bitchin' about those who are in the race to make a difference, for whatever motive that they have, I could be runnin' with them.

THE TIME OF TIMELESSNESS


I don't really care for being on someone elses clock. One of the issues that I seem to have in MY LIFE, is that people other than the name 'Mark Johnson', wants him to do and act at their convenience. Often, at the expense of what ever plans or expectations he may have for himself.


Whenever I get whiny and weepy, the 'what ifs' always seem to begin with 'what if someone had let me do what I set out to do, before my objective and goals are reviewed and then changed by a second or even third parties involvement?' I have often thought that not having the single mindedness to see 'my thing' through has been a major fault of mine.

Each time I read or hear of someone triumphing against the odds, be it just old fashioned 'stick to it-iveness' or overcoming obstacles laid by an uncaring society, I wonder what the hell my problem is? I wouldn't trade my childhood for anything, and thought my Mom did as good as a job as she could have. When I look at major turning points of my life, I always find the shadow of a second person. Yet when I felt that I was 'rising' and on my path, there was only a shadow for company.

I am frustrated, because I want to get to where I INTENDED to go, and not just to a place that seem 'intended-like'. Been a good while since I have felt this frustrated, and with good, good reasons to be frustrated as well.

5 comments:

a corgi said...

I'm glad you are going to get checked out tomorrow, Mark; I hope you have a chance to get rested up from traveling and your spill with the bike

take care of yourself

betty

Beth said...

I think you wrote about our gal Katy very well, adding much to the discussion about what is wrong with that whole mentality.

Yes, please do go get checked out. I'm concerned about your excessive fatigue, because you're usually such an energetic person! Love, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Get checked out, do what they say, and then - Be Mark :o)

I think wanting to be somewhere besides where you are can be tiring as well.

Senorita said...

It's good for you to do you, but others doing you once in a while isn't a bad thing either ;)

Sorry, I couldn't help myself......

Cathy said...

I read every word, a few times over - Mark, get some sleep I think you need the indulgence of about 12 hours. You give too much then find the well dry, if I may. As always however, interesting read.