Tuesday, July 14, 2009

THE SHADOWS OF UNCERTAINTY

NEGOTIABLE THINGS

One of my favourite quotes in my rotation of quotes, is one by Schopanauer in discussing 'scoundrels'. Essentially, you can find out about one's true character in 'the trifles of life', the small things that at the end of the day did not add or take away from someone appreciation of anything. It could be something that your partner does, or is a small interest in that they have.

Sometimes, a small thing can get out sized as well. Michael Jackson's passing was like that for me. Too many small things added up to a big thing, but it was just for me, not everyone. I wouldn't intrude on someone who was moved by the coverage, or genuinely touched by his passing. In fact, I would rather have let someone guess, then act accordingly to their observations as to how I felt about the situation. The fact that I don't ever watch BET should be a big clue ...

... but if I knew that YOU was grieving for him, in the way that I grieved for the Buckeyes in their back to back title game thrashings, I would respect that. Why? Because something that is important to your partner or friend, is also important to you.

My partner smokes. I have never smoked. My partner takes a pass on garage sales and resale shops. I was looking forward to doing a mash up of decorating my own place when I got it. How important are those two things, in the big scheme of things?

It was funny when the SFC told me about those things ... somehow, I had forgotten that she smoked. After a long, mournful howl of "Nooooo!", I got back to my feet and told her that it didn't matter. My Mom smoked, and it isn't like that I wouldn't be able to cope. She isn't the first person that I have dated that smoked ... but man, it HAS been nearly 20 years since that has happened. Thought smoking got played with 8 ball jackets and Hammer pants?

Hanging out with her, I could see that it was a 'controlled burn'. She doesn't have an ashtray for a mouth, and she always smoked outside of her apartment. Invariably, I would go out and sit with her as she smoked, because I wanted to be near her, and if I had to inhale a little poison gas, eh, so be it.

After all, it isn't like she isn't taking a huge risk herself by letting me into her life.

I was looking forward to picking up odd things to go into my apartment, even doing some ANTIQUING, searching for that special piece or two (but it usually goes to threes and fours ...) that made sense to my decorating tastes.

Discussing those things, I told her that those thing didn't matter as much as the more important things that we have in common. Those are what would carry us past the small things that make up the 'trifles of our lives'.

BEING CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASKED FOR

Slogging through life, I believe that I was careful in what I asked for. As much as I would have liked living on my own, there is a different kind of freedom in being bonded to each others heart that I desired as well, and I kept that first. There was a certain criteria that had to be met, before I would want to be in a relationship at this time in my life.

First, I wasn't afraid of being alone. If you asked me, my success, however limited, occurred when I was by myself. In hindsight, I think that it would have been better had I concentrated on being something first, then worry about securing myself and worry about seriously dating someone last. Not that I am saying that a relationship with someone special isn't as important as the others, but perhaps there is an order in which things happen to make a relationship more of a permanent thing.

In a general way, Steve Harvey's book, 'Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady' I think did an excellent job of describing how the male/female perspectives work and how to interpret and decode the mystery of relationships. He talks about how a man must know 1) who he is, 2) know what he does and 3) and be comfortable with how much he makes.

There is a lot of room to wiggle around in those points, but that is why it is a general thing. To be sure, most of the troubles come out of problems in understanding between 'you and me' and these three things.

It isn't that a cat has to be tracking towards a corner office and pulling in a 'high five' salary before he can be sure that he is 'a man' and is ready to be involved with a woman.

Sometimes, women mistake the wrong signals for indicators that a cat is ready for a relationship. They can't tell whether or not he is looking for 'a keeper or sport fishin'(Steve's lingo). One way you can be sure of how he feels towards you isn't by what he says ... but what he does.

Profess, provide, and protect. Those are three things that are unmistakable, and which is why I couldn't muster up the sympathy for the woman involved with Gov. Sanford. If someone can't show you off to the important people in his life, can't figure away to put some food on the table, and fight off the lions and hyenas for you, then you simply know the deal.

ADJACENT TO ALL OF THIS

A cat may not have things in place to where he is comfortable with who he is, what he does, and what he is earning. But if he has a clear vision and is working towards his goal, and can picture being able to earn what he can be comfortable with, then I think you can take a 'flier' on him.

When I met my ex wife, I want to believe that is where I was at. I had my goals, and was moving towards them. Fresh out of the service, I had a little pocket change and a could realistically expect that I was going to do something with boxing AND going to school. Problem was, she didn't share in or even have a vision.

IMO, this is where women begin to bang their head against a brick wall. Not only do some fail on 'the buy in' part of being in a relationship, the outlandishly believe that their participation begins and ends with them just 'showing up'. For my money, that is what Mookie is doing. There are very few times in life where you can wait on something to fall from the sky. You yourself need to move as well towards something. Anything at all is preferable to being stagnant where you already know it isn't going to happen.

My ex wife was the former. Since she couldn't 'see' it, it wasn't there. Maybe she should have looked, and she'd have saw what was before her eyes ...

AND WHY THE BABY DIDN'T GO OUT WITH THE BATH WATER!

I am sure that there are more 'differences' between us, my SFC and I, but they are going to be okay. Just like 'James Bond and Star Trek' worked for others, I think that the military and paper routes will work for me and my girl.

Or you could substitute 'commitment' and 'desire to marry young' as well. There are a lot more 'coincidences' to keep us together, that small differences won't pull us apart. The anxiousness I have now, is the good kind of anxiousness, like waiting for your birthday or Christmas. Got to start getting packed... September is a 'training camp' away. I wouldn't mind letting things fade into the end of the month/October, so we will see.

The main thing is that as impetous as we both can be, we arrived together at nearly the same time. As soon as I saw her name, I knew what was going to happen ... after we began to talk, she knew what she wanted to happen.

Now, what we have to do is MAKE IT HAPPEN!

3 comments:

Beth said...

Perhaps there is an opportunity here for branching out, on both your parts. A partner's enthusiasm for things can make you want to experience that enthusiasm yourself. And maybe you can make a difference when it comes to smoking. It's a hard thing to quit--Ken and I know all too well--but it's such a great feeling to not be beholden to the habit. Not to mention the health factor! Hugs, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Interesting that she smokes, hope you can be a good influence to help her cut back. But like you said, she is taking the bigger risk with you're history. Glad you are giddy with anticipation :o)

ThomasLB said...

I especially liked the first part of your post, "Because something that is important to your partner or friend, is also important to you."

Too many people are quick to mock, judge, and ridicule; sarcasm has become the National Pastime.