Friday, July 10, 2009

PONDERING THE COMPLEXITIES OF LIFE

BUT WHY?

I feel stretched ... I have suddenly gone from a few steps off the lead (where I would count on my kick in the backstretch and a lean at the finish) to not only being out in front with the lead pack, but ahead of my own pace. It is quite unfamiliar territory and a strange feeling.

Over at the GPYP journal recently, there was a timely topic for where I am going to go today. The main theme was people who get stuck into a 'type' of person that they want for a partner. Mediocre looking cats who hold out for super pretty girls who are obviously out of their pay grade ... women who think that they are looking for the eponymous 'bad boy' cat, or forever finding themselves involved with unavailable men ... and justifying their behaviour by saying that they can't help their desires. It happens that they are attracted to a 'type', and they have deluded themselves into believing that.

"If you do what you have always done, you will probably get what you have always gotten." - Anon.

That was one of the two quotes that she used in her entry. I for one, am surprised at how many people fail to understand this, when it comes to making relationship choices. One of the things that keep me hopeful is that I have my preference, but as I told Nixxie when we started to date, "... I would never say no to something nice!"

My ability to substitute 'preference' for 'objective' is part of why I feel that I still have a chance to find someone special. I don't close doors for the sake of closing them. I have my substantive wants, but other than that, anything else is up for grabs.

I am not to 'pretty' to date someone that has been told by others that they aren't as attractive as all that. Whenever I have sensed that, I would look someone in the eyes, and ask them to tell me what is reflected. Because what my eyes are observing, is someone who is beautiful. Now, are you really going to tell me that they are wrong?

Nor am I so stuffy or smart to let someone think that they aren't bright enough around me ... I am quick to remind them that I didn't make it though school. Television makes me seem quicker than I really am. I just repeat what Keith Olberman says!! (joking ... and I MEAN that for real!!).

When it comes to dating, I am equal opportunity. There is some stuff, criminal activities, substance issues that are no brainers. Even if you had them and was able to 'fake the interview process', once they were discovered, you be told 'to bring your playbook' with you, to talk with the coach.

Though the men who are '6's on the scale do better than women who are trying to nab their '8's & 9's', it is still a poor way to make a living. It isn't only a case of overvaluing the superficial, I think that there is an internal issue that hasn't been dealt with.

My thing is, once I get a 'general diagnosis' of someone with that issue, I am good. I don't need any confirmation that reality isn't one of the things that matter when they are looking for or entering into a relationship.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong - Charles Kettering

I thought of Mookie when I read that one, and the men and women like her. So many people are stuck in the 'it's them, and not me' syndrome that it amazes me. She didn't see that when we were younger ... so that she still doesn't seem to get it, and is unable to get over what she has to offer for the kind of relationship she wants, are two separate things.

The deciding factor in my 'rediscovering' how she can be, was because I had come to a point where I really needed to do something different. I had never wanted to go back, not only because it was more likely to be a regression, but because I know how to ask for and be contrite for what I did to cause the problems in a relationship. If I did come back, whatever happened the first time to cause the fail, WOULD NOT happen again. I'd have to find a new reason to be a screw up!

But even in giving that assurance, there is one thing that has a tendency to be overlooked when people decide to play 'forgive and forget' outside of marriage (that is a different animal, IMO), and that is the fact that the relationship wasn't in a vacuum. The other party also has things to have accounted for ... and in Mookie's case, she hadn't still. Tee Jay was no longer interested in solving for them.

That is something that I always felt was a problem, since whenever. Hearing young women when I was a pre-pubie, I would want to ask what did they do that may have contributed to the cat of the day, dragging their heart along the pavement. I mean, it didn't just up and walk out of them into his hands. Why did they give it to him?

While I may have done some 'less than good' things to folks, it wasn't like they didn't have their OWN contributions to what happened. So for me, the question was one where I would wonder if they had made THEIR corrections, so that we could replant and grow a relationship.

That was something that I don't see in women enough ... men at least can come back with their hat in their hand, and behave contritely for a time. But when it ultimately comes apart again, the blame for the relationship will fall on the horrible cat, without the woman doing more than a brief acknowledgement of being 'fooled again'.

*sigh* As if having unrealistic expectations of their choice and themselves didn't add to the stress of thinking they really weren't part of the problem.

AS TO ME ...

Man, the reunion left A LOT of dishes to be done!! Who knows how long it will be before I finish with them!!

4 comments:

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Glad you are doing things differently this time :o)

Beth said...

Hey, Ken stole the quote I was going to write down! LOL Great minds DO think alike.... :D

DB said...

I think one of the hardest tasks at the kitchen sink is predicting what things are going to change and what things aren't. With that comes understanding oneself well enough to know how one is going to handle things in either case.

I always choose the one who was the most interesting, no matter what whe looked like. Hence it became a clash of eccentricities which doomed the relationship. But, alas, if I went looking today, I would do the same thing.

DB

DB said...

what SHE looked like

Sorry