Saturday, May 23, 2009


Friday I had an interesting day ... but it began with a dare I took to actually THINK, and I mean really do some deep goat thinking, too.

Tuesday, April 28th Cathy dared me to think about a topic which I have pondered a time or two, superficially. This is not to say that I treat it lightly, but sometimes being an island isn't all that it is cracked up to be. In the end, I feel isolated because I isolate myself at times. I have only briefly spent time in the company of people I can speak candidly with about the things that cross my mind. At least here, I get to say what I am thinking about, and be spared all the comments from the peanut gallery (which has NOTHING to do with Nutwood Junction!).

I am smart enough to know that I am not that smart at all. There is so much that I don't know about stuff I would like to know about ... and this is an example of what I mean.


That most species of life are born with nearly complete 'identities', i.e., 'they are who they think they are', is something that I find fascinating. While it doesn't happen often, a new born creature can be born and develop into something approaching what is its true nature, with little involvement from a parental guide. There are some things that a cub just 'knows'. There is still a lot of discovery as well for the animal, but for the most part, what it needs to know, it 'knows'.

I have often in my life time, found myself wondering why is it that man needs such a long period, relatively and literally, of growth. I mean, from infancy to childhood (early child hood), to pre-puberty, and then to puberty/adolescence. Then after the years that it takes for the physical maturation, we are considered 'adults', and assumed to be ready to continue the process.

What IS the process?

Part of the arrogance of humanity is that we exist outside of the rules of nature that governs everything else. The line Agent Smith uses to describe humanities relationship to the planet, 'a virus', rings true to me. For whatever reason, we must manipulate the environment to exist, and could not live by simply 'living'.

This includes 'time'. What does 'time' mean? And what is its relevance to how we perceive the world around us ... and ourselves?


So I printed up Cathy's entry, to take around and study. I wanted to understand a little more of how she contemplates time. Though this was 'rabbit hole' stuff, I didn't think it could do much harm.

Working backwards, I went and watched one of my favorite films, 'Unforgiven'. It is a very nuanced film, one that I see a little differently each time I watch it. She had called me after she had dropped me home after 'doing nothing', going to Chili's to have a bit of a desert cake. While she was over to my house, I was going thru some stuff, putzing around and I came upon some lines from the movie that I felt had meaning to me. I read them and we talked about the scenes. It wasn't that we were thinking about the movie in particular.

She was over to the house because I was trying to book my 'scouting trip' to Nebraska. I wasn't having a lot of success, and she offered to come and help out. AKA's Mom does some travel stuff, and I do trust her as well as I would trust my Dad (if I trusted you like my sister's, that means I trust you thismuch more than I would trust a complete stranger ... that kind of betrayal is hard to come back from), so I did not have a problem with her figuring things out for me.

The hotel is maybe a lil' on the chippy side. But we both agreed that it doesn't make a difference. The big thing for me is to get the stuff filled out that I need to have filled out. When I move out there, that is when I will do my 'sight seeing'. Don't need to worry about where everything is at, when I will be coming back to Detroit. It doesn't make sense to me.

So I was a little frustrated trying to watch Oprah talk about how people who didn't think that they would fall into poverty and trying to figure out my trip. I will be leaving in October, and while I thought that Nebraska may have wanted me to come earlier, I felt that she could have put her two cents in, and helped a little more with the design of this mission.

As I asked myself, 'Do I want to do this', and 'Are you being silly, throwing yourself at a fantasy of noble, unrequited love', I thought how fortunate I was to have read two stories, 'How Love Came To Prof. Guildea' and 'Diary Of A Madman', to act as markers for me. If I was being like the emotionally distant Prof., or in the schizophrenic denial of the latter, it would not be without warning!! Some how, these two stories came into my life at a time where thoughts were forming around the idea of what love is, and would be in my mind.

Because I don't think that me liking her the way that I do means that she has to like me back with the same intensity, often, I wonder if she can really understand that. When I have said 'friendship', I mean exactly that. I know that I have attached a certain significance to her in my life, but as Mike Singletary said, "It's not like that."


Because I believe in 'divine coincidence', when I read Cathy's post about time, I thought that it was itself an example of the very thought she was expressing. "... was I meant to think of this a week from now and for some reason I entered the time/space/thought realm. where everything connects? Or ... did you?" felt like it was snatched out of my mind. I mean all the 'small things' that lead to me keeping Nebraska, the person and the place in my mind ... I just went thru another round of clearing out random addresses ... and like I always have when I do this, I thought longingly about her.

And that kid that I beat up ... how nice he was and how much he liked where he was from. I could get there and find people who diss on it, the way you can come here and find Detroiters who rag on it. But when you ask how long have they lived in Detroit, and they say, '30 years', or 'moved here at one age, and never left', I wonder what gives them the right to complain.

Anywho, riding out to Garden City, to get the Visa gift card to pay for my trip and to thank the bike shop that fixed my trusty steed the last time I was out here. I mean, they really went above and beyond the call, making sure that the gears and chain were as good as new, 'flash lubed', you could say, in the fashion that the competitor's fish is 'flash frozen, making it fresher than fresh' in the Meijer's commercial.

That I went a different way, instead of the normal routine, made me look ahead to how it is going to be, in my new hometown. Guess, hope, speculation, all that is nearing a end. If I get there, and the vibe is like that house in Amityville (you know ... GET OUT!!) then this is money well spent. I would have hated to have never found out if I didn't feel it in the air.

Fought enough times in places that I 'could have if I would have' ... Phoenix and Vegas out west. There was that time I was in Knoxville ... and that town in WEST VIRGINIA ... but the last time I had to fight the gravity of a place was in Pittsburgh. Some of the people that I met are still doing their thing, and I could have been a part of their team, and maybe ... who knows?

That is part of why going to Nebraska is the best thing for me. I don't want to leave a stone unturned, especially when it is right in front of me. I don't have to question myself about going ... all the things in the 'fog' are but shadows in the twilight. I am not one to give in to questioning the fitness of my initial decision to action. The place is a byproduct of that action.


a corgi said...

I like your term "divine coincidence"; I think I know what it might mean; I might disagree with it, but I do like the terminology you chose

I too agree that you must not leave any stone unturned and that is why you need to pursue Nebraska; it was good to read you had a time table of perhaps when you wanted to get there too; October is not that far off as quick as time seems to be going these days


DB said...

It may take us longer to develop physically and intellectually than the deer or the lizard, but one of the things in the way of earning the right to our human instincts is the theorizing about life that seems to accompany our growing up. Various religions put contraints on our behavior, people worry about how we are going to turn out and try to influence that and education fills our heads with a lot of nonsense that must be discarded. As humorous as it may sound, adult life seems to be a process of overcoming our childhood. Gaining freedom means cleansing ourselves enough so that our intincts don't betray us.


Indigo said...

One thing I firmly believe in is, if you wait for life to come to you or things to be perfect...your going to be waiting and stagnant for the rest of your life.

You have to be the one to take charge of your life and bring about what you want out of it. This was a hard and long lesson for me to grasp, but when I finally got it, it was one of those eureka moments.

As a friend of mine is constantly whispering in my ear, "You are what you want to be." In other words be the change you want to see. I think your on the right path hon and as you said how would you know if the choice was right or wrong if you didn't at least attempt to find out. (Hugs)Indigo

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad you have things arranged. October will be here before you know it :o)