Wednesday, April 1, 2009

ZERO DEATH CRYSTALS ...

... will be included in this entry!

That is a play on a line from a Head & Shoulders TV ad. The implication being that if one doesn't have to worry about their hair, their mind can wander and be consumed with 'other things'.

My biggest worry day to day is keeping my schedule, not getting hit by a car, and remembering where I put my keys. So with that, let's get back to regularly scheduled programming!!

DRIVIN' FASTER IN MY CAR

Haven't driven in years. But I do remember the feeling of taking out my tee tops and driving underneath a bright sun. It was always a good feeling for me, to be riding out 'with no particular place to go', and many times, I'd be playing that song by Chuck Berry. Those used to be the most fun, taking a day trip to wherever you end up.

It isn't always so lighthearted in other cars. Now, I find myself looking at the people in their various vehicles, some shiny and new, and others that look as though they are held together by spit and hope. I look at the people driving, trying to get a sense of who they are and where they are going. Sometimes, there is a couple, 'between the goal posts' (20 and 40 years old), and there is a tired, defeat haze around them. I wonder what was it that put that look on their faces, took the shine and sparkle out of their eyes, reducing them to stagnant pools of brown or blue.

I brush shoulders with them in Family Dollar, or when I can stomach it, Super Wal-Mart (I do not like Wal-Mart Sam I Am, I won't shop there with spoon, I won't go in there with a loon ..!). They are scurrying between registers or shelving cheap house wear stuff, to be bought by either folks who are like them, observing the world with eyes that reflect nothing back or are 'faking the funk', in their otherwise 'safe and stable home'.

Ocasionally, the women are accompanied by their 'significant someone', who walks distractedly, not fully there with her. It makes me think of how I want it to be with whoever I end up with ... the way it was with My Delta or Tee Jay ... where if you saw one across the room or in a store, upon seeing the other you automatically knew that they belonged to one another.

These folks, in their clothes dingy from either being worn repeatedly or poor washing techniques ... many times both, weighted down by the struggle of their life. I glance, not wanting to stare and attract attention, but I think that I wouldn't want that in a relationship.

So many factors as to what took the light from their eyes ... that second child, or not being able to afford school so they settled into a life that had their paths cross. Met thru friends or at the party store and exchanged numbers. Before you know it, they are dating and then ... someone gets something that someone doesn't really want in them, and now, now they are, what, exactly?

I wonder what they talk about? Do they see a future beyond waking up and skipping that morning shower before they start their day?

falling farther from just what we are
smoke a cigarette and lie some more
these conversations kill
falling faster in my car


There were times I was that guy in that couple ... happened twice. There were times with the Mook's where I would feel as if I was breathing warm air, trying to get a breath. Thankfully it wasn't often, because of my experience from the first time that it happened, having me prepared to do what I needed to do ...

... my ex wife and I had plenty of moments like that, it seemed in a car. We mainly drove the family in her car ... two seat sports coupes not really being conducive to getting groups from here to there, and there would be times where BJ would be in the back sleeping, we'd be riding from somewhere, and I would be wondering, 'where are we going?' in that existential way of wondering that I do.

For the first time in my life, I found myself 'minding' what I felt were changes made by me to fit into a relationship. There were things that I would later find that were not 'me' per se, but really was her. Needless to say, it was the only time that I felt like that with anyone. 'Soul crushing' comes up, but that may be poetic license getting the best of me. But I do know what I felt like, and it wasn't good.

One of the reason I know she didn't care for the peeps over at 48219, is that was one of our 'low attendance' matches. Oh, she would go off in front of people, familiar or no. This time happened to be out at some store not far from my Mom's, in the parking lot. The disagreement was over where we'd go, trying to fit in the things we had to do with what we wanted to do. I was tired ending up over someone's place that was 'thru her', friend or family member. I wanted to spend a little time seeing my fam, as the house wasn't far from the gym.

All the talk about how it was out of the way and all, made me bristle, because the places she wanted to go wasn't exactly in a direct line to our home either. Next thing you know, she was hitting me.

Now, when I say 'hitting me', I should have said 'punching'. She didn't flail away like many women do. She'd cock her fist and strike at me, the way a novice boxer punches, weak on form, but high with intent. Of course, with the power of hindsight, I could see where she not only thought she could 'whip me', but why it was an option available to her.

You know, there isn't anything 'unfit' about her. Is she a bad mother? I'd grade her out as a C plus - B minus, which I think fits her as a student of Frank Cody High. Our problem was, she didn't like me. She was afraid that as a single mother she'd never get married. She also had issues of inadequacy from her family that only heightened her worries. So when I skipped by, happy like Don Hertzfeldt's 'Caffine' character in the cartoon short, ' Ah l'amour', already with a set of rings, she took what she could get, I guess.

Some how (not saying 'some how' as if I don't know how, 'cause I do ... this is already too long and it doesn't matter much anywho now) we'd find ourselves heading north on I - 75 from Toledo, now Mr. & Mrs., after arriving as two silly twenty somethings with a cute toddler.

TODAY IS GOOD FOR ME

You know, this is an essential part of the process for me. Prolly get to 'why' at some point ... then again, may not. And that will be part of the process as well.

4 comments:

Beth said...

Yeah...when you're walking on eggshells, you can't really get anywhere. In that really bad relationship I was in, I sort of FELT that spark dampened down in me (it didn't leave me, thank goodness), because I never knew when he'd be itchin' for a fight. It got so I didn't look forward to going home after work. That's just no way to live. I'm glad I got out, and I'm glad you did, too.

Hugs, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Knowing what you don't want, and making the conscious choice to leave it, even at great cost, only makes you stronger and better prepared for the future.

Malagutigrrl said...

I'd rather die than have to go to Walmart...and even though I'm one of those peopple walking around with tombstones in their eyes, I always score with what it is I need. Trouble is, I never seem to know what that is...
xo
mj

Her Side said...

Wow. Dang. DANG! Good stuff. The Mr. and I (you know... the one I'm going thru some stuff with right now) used to do the same thing. We would watch couples who no longer had light in their eyes and thank God we love each other so much.

The more I read (about other relationship problems and breakups), the more I realize we're not in as much trouble as I think. We are still head-over-heels loving each other and declaring each other "best friends" (who happen to be fighting like cats and dogs right now, but still enjoy games and time together when a temporary truce is called).

Folks still approach us about what a fabulous match we appear to be. I'm talking about strangers. The light clearly isn't gone. You remind me that I owe myself a moment to work it out until the light gets dim - if it ever does.

I hope you know this means I may have to quote from your blog post... giving credit and link of course. LOL