Sunday, April 5, 2009

A little more clarity

of course I got stuck on the blurb about Tee Jay

I try to 'This American Life' my entries. There will be some vignettes' around a central theme, which I may or may not wrap up in a conclusion. The reason that it is a maybe I do/ maybe I don't thing, is because it is how life works. But it doesn't mean that I am not trying to make things 'So' (that was a music reference and a double no prize to whoever gets it!!). It would prolly be on my official seal Nietzsche's 'My formula for happiness is a yes, a no, a straight line, a goal.'

In my 'Spartan' post, I got so hung up with my appreciation for Tom Izzo and the job he has done with the State basketball program, that I don't think I was really clear why I've only ever looked back for Tee Jay, and never anyone else.

With MDG and Sandie, there was more to it on their end, enough to allow me to feel comfortable with decision to end those relationships. The subsequent execution of the rest of my life was the issue, and though that was faulty, as far as those relationships were concerned, I did what was then was best.

With Tee Jay, I was wrong by all and any measure. I could not say anything bad about how committed she was to our life together. And if I had let her, she would have willingly helped me through a difficult time in my life.

I didn't let her. I blew it. End of story. Couldn't find ANYTHING to point to and say, 'oh, but what about this' ... because this wasn't related to that, of course. And in this case, it was never truer.

We were going to have some grist between us, but the thing is that with me, and for me, Tee Jay was willing to 'go the long way around'. She wanted to win ...

Even with me still wanting to be with her, I couldn't, because I don't(didn't, since I now have) do that, go back and try to reheat a past relationship. I don't know if breaking up with someone unlocks some insecurity or what, but it always has felt like I had have to work extra hard to be in a relationship. Some of it has to do with the intra-racial stereotyping that I have had to overcome. Some of it has to do with 'personal identification', not mine but others. Sister girls think that they need to be with a tattooed, bling wearing caricature, no matter the few of them that end up having life long committed relationships (uh, I have no data ... but geez, it doesn't seem likely that these 'thug life' types wouldn't make good husbands and life partners, does it?).

And there is the 'karma' issue. If you love someone, let them go and let them go and if ...

Finally, I think that I had to 'do' too much to overcome the 'self-stereotyping' that goes on. I am always seen like 'the spooky girl' in that joke post I put out about the '9 types of Women'. I get tired of fitting myself in those small, boxes o'ignorance and stupidity, and doing it once was always enough for me.

When she said that she wanted something different, when we started to date, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. In your 30's, shouldn't you be getting ready to consume the things in your reach, that while it would be good to get involved with an enterprise that brings about large financial rewards, taking care of what is there for you and finding bliss in that is cool too. And hey, sometimes you DO find that 'thing' that allows you to break thru, you know?

I really thought with her, I had found someone to not only enjoy the journey, but reaches that point the where the sunset meets the horizon. And to finally discover... well, it was something else that I had to find out about myself, I guess.

We broke up ten years ago. It has never seemed that long ago, it always seemed as if I just lost her. Mookie is the only person that anyone ever introduced me to, like a blind date. We hung for a bit during high school years, and that was pretty much that. I thought she was a sweet little girl, and she was. She still is, but more like hard candy rather than a chocolate covered cherry (hey, that is a double entendre, isn't it?).


Geez, cause I certainly hope so. I have lived it once, and have no real desire to live it again. Between dealing with the expansion of certain goals, and how to achieve my desired end, I don't think I am caring what things look like. Maybe I will do better at 'replying' to questions, so that whoever has them can say, "Oh, I get it ... may not agree, but I get it."

I kept my feelings for her in my heart, albeit it, they were in cold storage. There was no sneak calls, nor were there any emails (wouldn't have mattered ... she is so not a computer person, even now) or anything else. I hadn't spoken to her since I left to be with the Mook's back in '03 (or was it '04??).

As far as moving on, I knew that I had to do that, if not for my own personal code, then because things were what they were. And since the goal is to be happy ...



Beth said...

You know, I don't think I've ever mentioned this before, but it really surprises me that you like Nietzsche. I haven't read a lot about him or his ideas, just a little, but he always struck me as nihilistic and pessimistic. You are unfailingly optimistic. I wonder why you are drawn to his writings?

Hugs, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I am a true believer in the Karma perspective. What goes around comes around, and I think you are certainly due for some good, for you are :o)

Her Side said...

Interesting. I must digest. If I have been reading these posts correctly, you gave up too soon on a good woman who may have been your sunset on life's horizon.