Wednesday, April 29, 2009



See, part of my struggle is going to be keeping myself. There are parts of my brain that are affected, and I have always been sensitive to stories about football players who have suffered from repeated trauma. There have been enough stories about former hall of famer's who suffer from being 'punch drunk', to catch my attention. Did you know that it affects career football players more than it does career boxers? Football has better p.r., and that is that.

Anywho, one of the things that I have noticed, is that there is a lot of personality disorder that comes along with it. That is my biggest worry. I don't mind much about remembering stuff, but when it comes to being ME at the core, it does matter to me. A lot.

Trust me, I notice when my critical thinking is a little off. I have my 'Rules To Live By', which I have carried with me for over ten years now. When I do something out of character, I feel it deep, and it is like someone walking over my grave.

I'd rather be dead, than not to be who I am.

This isn't about depression, there isn't too much of that going on here. I have had a nice ride, and wouldn't trade it in for anything. I have enjoyed most thoroughly my journey. If it ended tonight (thru natural means, of course), it must mean I can't take another bite, I am stuffed!

Been close to living as many as my dreams as a person could hope. Accept why I didn't make them come true, and have moved on. But the thing that kept me, what has me hopeful and what I have put all my stock in, is that I am an optimist.


I can't ever recall spending too long a time on 'why me' kind of stuff. Whenever I would watch angsty stuff, I would wonder why they didn't take what they had and work with it. If someone were to compare me to 'Forest Gump' instead of all the mess the Facebook quizzes match me to, I would take it.

Because like Forrest, my Mother doted on me, as long as she could. I had to overcome socialization obstacles that I had no role in creating. Didn't ask to be black, or what other AA's call 'light skinned'. Didn't care that I grew up mostly raised by a single Mom, and that because women were my role models, that I am effeminate to some tastes. Did not matter that being black and smart was seen as trying to deny your heritage, and that you wanted to be 'white'.

None of that crap mattered to me, because it is the overcoming of what is in front of you that your character is displayed. It pains me greatly that I have made some of the choices that I have made, and not only did I recognize that they were poorly made at the time, that I would compound the errors. I have found solace in 'living to fight another day', and that hope springs eternal. Forgiveness is powerful, and if you can seek it of yourself, you can find it in life.

But there are some things that comes with giving forgiven and giving forgiveness. Don't know what it means if you don't have kindness in your heart and good will towards people.

Objectively, my ex wife and I are a poor match. I have moved away from what ever it was that dogged me regarding her, and do you know what I worried about when we spoke earlier this year? I worried that she would have actually be a different person, and she would ask if we could see one anther, now that we were both single.

That would have been problematic, because subjectively, I still love her.

I don't 'qualify' love. It is defined by relationship (I love Hutch as a friend ... I love several readers as a friends). No one has to 'want it' from me, because I don't think any of the love in my heart is really 'mine'. I think it is supposed to be given, because that is what I expect back from life, love.


Reading journals, I came across one that led me to a very illogical conclusion, not that I am a logical thinker or anything. It was illogical because the Mark that I grew up with, would have NEVER came to that point. And for that, I felt ashamed of myself, because I knew it. Could have left it alone, kept on journaling about crap, and pretended it never happened. But I would have had to go to sleep with that person, the one who said that 'stuff'. I wouldn't have wanted to do that. So I am rambling on, to no one in particular but to everyone.

When I 'armored up', developing into the stout fellow I am now, I always thought it was so that I could be and do as I pleased. People stopped picking at me, women discovered me, and I found that I commanded a certain respect because of my profile. Or DESPITE IT.

The whole 'black enough' issue is one that isn't 'in' me. Sometimes, it leads to a victimization, where in order to seem black, you have to take instant offense to things on the matter of race. There is a lot of things you can attribute to the prejudice in the world, but it isn't a blanket to be used at the drop of the hat.

Social injustice happens because of sex, religion, political beliefs, economics, and education. There are too many other factors involved in why thing are the way they are to continue listing. But it has been my opinion since I was a young man, that when you use any of the listed reasons, that you should think again, before you build a cause around it.

Because usually when you do, you tend to be close minded, mean and thoughtless. And hey, I am a nice cat! I like being that way, being 'Nigel', and when stuff makes me feel like I am coming away from that, it bothers me.

And it tends to bother me a little more, now. I still don't get mad easily at personal affronts, but for some reason, there is a lash out in me, that just got there 'a second ago', you see. It bugs me. It bugs me that it coincides with something else that is going on in with my life. But that stuff is for another day.

Yeah, I try to be the first to apologize, because it interferes with the mission, creating hard feelings. I don't want to let selfish, prideful things get in the way of being kind, particularly when they are as wrong headed as what has been getting to me now.

I have to be concerned about it, because it may mean I am going thru something ... and that worries me. I still have high hopes as well as the audacity to try to jump 'The Snake River', even knowing that Evel Knevil couldn't do it. No matter what, I am going to give it my best shot.

I can only hope it isn't without my best trait.


Anonymous said...

I've struggled with depression off and on my whole life, and one thing it's taught me: "I am not my brain."

A lot of people have the idea that what a person is is just a function of their brain, and that's not always true. My brain is my interface with the world, but sometimes the transmission gets garbled or fuzzy, and the brain becomes an impediment to allowing me to be who I want to be.

I'm still down there, somewhere, but when depression is at it's worst I can't necessarily get out.

Figuring that out was a real eye-opener for me. It's made me much more tolerant of other people, knowing they might be fighting a quiet battle, too.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I think it is supposed to be given, because that is what I expect back from life, love.

I think that is a great line, and after all, is that not what we all want? Of course, the flip side is, take me at face value, and if you do not like what you see, then move along - it is a big world and there are a lot of fish in the sea.