Friday Night, Saturday Morning

LIKE SNOOP DOG SAID ...


... laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind!)

Today's song, by the Nick Drake-ish Noreweign duo, 'The Kings of Convenience does more than sound like me ... the live performance here on the Carson Daly show (uh, Butthead was right ... Carson IS a tool!) is like my gestalt on display.

The lead singer, is unaffected by his resemblance to Napoleon Dynamite. In fact, like Nappy, part of his charm is that he lacks the self consciousness. He steps up, does his little dance ... and you can't tell me that the girl with the glasses isn't so excited that he 'dances' with her, that it fills out the mood of the song.

I sometimes wonder about getting together a mix cd, or playlist together of some 'chill out' stuff. And I wonder what kind of evening I would have with a special someone ...

...like Nebraska.

THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THEN THOUGHT AGAIN

Some things won't get 'caught up' on. Like with AKA. She was surprised when she called me a couple of weeks ago, that I really did not call her for 6 weeks. We are cool enough, but not what we were before we fell out. Don't expect it to be much better, either. Anywho (oh, and I purposely 'Anywho' btw) ...

SIMPLE, BUT NOT TOO SIMPLE

Nebraska wants to know 'how'. She wants to know 'why'. I look for answers, but I can't provide her with any that makes sense to her. Don't know if they would make sense to anyone else, either.

For me, it is MY WAY. Period. She doesn't know 'how' I can feel the way that I do about her. Jeez, I BARELY know how it is that I came to feel this way about her. The things that drew me to her, are gossamer ... something barely there that I 'felt' about her, since I only had seen her in a long ago picture once. Yet that was enough for me, that one time.

I can't even recall what brought us up on one anothers radar ... what kind of random post on some message board that caught her attention. Whatever it was, somehow, it came to us actually chatting and I was 'struck' (infected ... take yr pick!) and I made a space for her in my heart. Not because I wanted to, you see, but I got a 'suggestion' that keeping her in my life was a good idea. So I have.

When we 'talk', it is all I can do to contain the excitement I get reading what she says ... words have always been a key for me, unlocking the deeper personality within a person. A phrase, a sentence with a description that I had thought was locked in my mind alone, comes out when she does write me, unbidden. I don't know what else I am supposed to think ... it is the opposite of what happened with my ex wife ... the only sign that I got and that I blew thru was 'stop'!

We have some differences, in personality, in expectations, in our hopes. That is fine, fine, fine. Because if she could love me, then our love would pull us through whatever else. I think this, because I just believe that it would, that it does that for happy relationships ... evidence of love doing that is all around us. I don't think that love 'can't', as much as we don't let love do what it does.

WINNING ISN'T FUN

But you can enjoy to win. And when you enjoy winning, you come to understand that it takes a lot of work to make victory happen. That is why it isn't 'fun', because what we understand fun to be, is sometimes the opposite of 'winning'.

What would it take to make 'our' relationship work? Can't really call it, only that I believe that the elements are all around us, and if we are willing to do what it takes, we can have something special.

Maybe she needs to know 'why'? I should tell her to look in the mirror, and tell me what she sees. I felt her personality before I saw her ... when I met her, I was able to put the person with the feelings. And because she is in the land of corn, cattle and Minuteman missile silos (hey, 'The Day After' ran on the Sci Fi network this week!), and not at the Twelve Oaks Mall, that means I have to do what I have to do!

WORRIES

Want to know what I worry about most, in all this? I worry about whether or not SHE can deal with the parameters of a friendship with me, once I am cross town.

My thing isn't JUST her, but for real, NEBRASKA. Just like I was drawn to Carolina, and wonder what would have happened if I stayed in Arizona after getting a decent payday in Phoenix, something in Nebraska calls to ME. She is the cherry on top, and for me, a dream come true.

I talk the way I do, not without knowing how dreams many times, don't come true, but believing that if you stop dreaming, they will NEVER come true. So I take your dare Mr. Hughes, and I display my dreams in the sun. Let's see what happens.

My dreams aren't supposed to impede the dreams of others. If she can't include me in that part of wants that I want to be in, then I don't want to be there. The POINT of me moving is to be where I am supposed to be. Period.

When it comes to that, I am sure that something is going to happen ... and she will always have a place in my life. She has the 'pay grade' to factor and comment on me and my ways ... but there is only one way for her to get the promotion points to make it to General grade, and she can tell me what's what...

My point being, I don't want her to get the impression that because I don't knock myself out trying to win her over, that I don't want to be with her. She'll have to be the one that says, 'You know what Mark ... you aren't so 'fluffy' and peculiar after all! Let's play and win that game!'

I go out and try to 'manifest' in a person's life ... but if they don't invite me in, then that is that. Thing about the cat in the movie 'Love in the Time of Cholera', is that he chose to keep his heart available to his true love. When fate interceded, he carried on.

So will I. And that is why for all the 'daisy's and butterflies' in my heart, what I count on the most and expect, is her good friendship. And I rambled on about this, because for whatever reason, this has been a month where she has riveted my attention ...

... and filling gaps in my heart.