DARKHORSES

OH, ITS GOING TO CHANGE

Another of the entrants that have been running off the lead that is surging to the pack, is Mark being single. Odd, because prior to making it this far, I had always, always thought that I was going to be with someone, either I would find them or they would find me.

But as I told someone recently, my tired isn't your tired. When a situation finally has me declare a state of being 'tired', it also means that the idea, the protocol has been exhausted.

There is no more to it. Its done. I am tired.

I am done with dealing with what I call 'the personal idiocy of relationships.' There is a level of maturation that I expect, which is surprisingly lacking in women my age. Take Mookie for example. Listening to what she saw as problems in our relationship, I wanted to ask her if she was 18 or 38? Hiding behind some easy to justify examples of perceptions of where she wanted to go, it conveniently overlooked what she was doing to undermine herself.

When it is you doing all the damage to your own life, it is hard to see the solution. You are too close and you think of yourself as the innocent victim, and you can't break the pattern.

For me, when I screwed over (because that is what I did) Pecan Sandie, I literally stopped where I stood, and asked myself, 'What am I doing wrong?' Because some of the names I have been called had been such poetic characterizations, I would wear them like a badge of honor (and this is why that lady from long ago, who called me 'one of those guys' has stayed with me. Because I didn't WANT to be one of those guys, I wanted to be one of the good ones). When Pecan Sandie called me 'an emotional terrorist', it went straight through to my heart.

My wife did wrong by us, that is certain. Yet does that justify anything that went on after that relationship? And the answer for me, is no.

If I had only followed the behaviour that the cat did in the movie, 'Love in the Time of Cholera', which I saw with Nebraska, thank you very much, it would have been cool. Everyone he was involved with, knew what they were getting involved in, and both parties knew that by the time the sheets were washed and the clothes aired out, the 'rendezvous' was over and forgotten.

And I did go at things like that for awhile. Then I knocked up Nixxie, and my boxing started taking on water. As I was in what I can only call, 'a state', I ran into Pecan Sandie. She, she ... I don't know how to put it, but we did more than just 'hook up'. She would ride up to Detroit with me when I would visit Skye, and she would just BE THERE in every way.

As a couple though, we had our problems. We both understood that, and I know that is how it was, because I have it IN WRITING. But in a case of something 'not being worth the paper it's written on', she had started not being a friend, but falling in love.

Doesn't absolve me from any responsibility. Does not at all. And Katherine, I do think what ever I end up with from the point we separated on, I deserve.

We'd move together to the Atl. It was a struggle, but we started to catch on. But in a case of what I can only say was my 'arrested development', allowed our relationship to fritter away. Sandie tried as hard as she could, balancing her personal needs, our daughter and the crap I was putting her through to get a foothold, but I ...

... don't have any excuses. I don't know what to say.

What that experience did do for me, was make me look inside and take all the trash that was in me out, and examine as much as I could. I was NOT going to spend the rest of my life being a sh*t head, no matter how long I had been one. Theology supports the forgiveness is there for those who seek it, and for the time since, I have operated as such. So that when I met Tee Jay, I felt comfortable with what it was I would tell her about me ...

SIDEBAR
This is a video sent to me by AKA. Excuse the taste in music, she likes this kind of 'crap music' (I tease her about her tastes, and yes Betty, that is how we 'talk' as a couple), but what is annoying is that she knows I would immediate look beyond the style of the band, but listen for what it is trying to say. No, not exactly what I would think to say myself, but I know her ...

... like she knows me.