Tuesday, September 9, 2008

... at the Undergrad ...


Found a new treat, going down in the evenings to the WSU undergrad library ... man, I recall how I felt walking on the campus in Greensboro, and the feelings are the same right now ... ALIVE, I FEEL ALIVE!

Plan on getting into school when I get to where it is I am SUPPOSED to be.


"At night when I close my eyes, I can taste the sweet milk from your lips."

Constant companions have no doubt wondered about running out to Nebraska (The state), and wonder no doubt, how I will be recieved by Nebraska (the person, but that would be a cool, cool name ... sorta like calling a little girl Montana!).  So to that end, I will start to provide more information to why I have made the choice to go out there.

First, I will say that I am not expecting her to be 'there' in any other aspect as a good, good friend.  She finds my approach to her to be a little off-putting.  And I think only in African American socialism, can I be seen as not 'tough enough', which is really strange, considering I was born, raised and educated in an area bounded by Jefferson to the east, Telegraph Road on the west, hard on the river to its south and the north by 8 Mile Road, something that Eminem can't even claim.

That I have managed to be the kind, thoughtful, considerate person that I am living within those limits means to me that I have earned the right to feel as I feel and do as I do.  The instincts, the kenning by which I come to feel and live the way I do have been tested and I have earned the right to think that you can plop me down like an Airmobile infantryman, and I do what I have been prepared to do.

Detroit.  That is my street cret, my ghetto pass.  I was born and raised in Detroit. 

Pie in the sky?  Endless romantic?  More that I have NEVER let go of my dreams, never gave up on my desires.  There are some scars that won't ever go away, but I am healed from them and like a mended fence, am stronger for it.  It takes an incredible amount of energy to continue on, with regrets and hurts, promises that are never to be kept, to still pursue a dreamwith any sense of purpose.  Not a dream deffered like Langston Hughes' legeandary 'Rasin', but a dream that has transmorphed into another one, just as shiny and spectactular.

I hold on to those dreams as they changed, just as I now hold on to one that says, 'Nebraska'.


It's a concept.

More than a person or place, and certainly not a thing, but an ideal.  See, I was at Ft Huachuca when I really realized that I was more of a medium sized to maybe even small town cat.  I was there for a TDY thingy, and I got a chance to sneak off to see a homegirl MP from Detroit at White Sands (by NO means are they close ... but what did I know?).  She had PMS, you know, the 'Piss and MoanS' being stuck in a nowhere place.  But I liked it ... and that's me.

A regular reader Russ, left a comment a while ago, one that said in effect that I "... think to much", not that I haven't had that said before.  But I have really tried to cut down on my 'thinking' and rachet up on my 'doing'.  Think about something, plot it out, then execute and deal with the results.  Four level of thought.  I don't think things go off as simple as that, so I have allotted another 8 levels to get me thru the day and to accomplish the tasks I need to live my life.  Things more complex than that, I leave up to the momentum of my focus to help me get thru, and I have found myself being more successful both emotionally and physically.

Does she, Nebraska, love me?  No she doesn't.  Is she going to be available to a possible relationship?  The ol' magic 8 ball says 'highly unlikely'.  That is why I hope that she IS going to be that friend she says she will be, and that will be all I truly expect.  As to why go there, well, hopefully I will stumble around finding that out.


... that leads one out of their own personal darkness into the light.  Why 'Nebraska' has always been viable ... ah, hopefully this won't be a case of not taking Russ' well intentioned advice, but here goes the general subject that is on my mind.

My Mom liked Tiny Archibald and I didn't draft Cliff Levingston and Antoine Carr in back to back drafts to play for the Detroit Pistons.  Just as I don't know why I can still remember the feeling I got watching Johnny Rodgers play football.  Never asked why, only acknowledged it, and knows that it makes sense to me.  Folks throw around, "things happen for a reason", but what happens when you don't recognize them or ignore them when they happen?

Had she been from any other place, I know for a FACT that I would not have been interested in her.  For many people, the PLACE is what is going to lead them to their dream, and I was TOLD on a far, far higher level that it is like that for me.  Again, she doesn't understand why I have the feelings I have for her, or if I can really be serious about them.  Well, I don't understand a lot of things, but I do know that they sometimes ARE. 

Just as she doesn't know what she doesn't know, I am counting on what I 'feel'.  That she is there as a good, good friend is all that I really expect.  Anything else, I will have to be there with my 'boots on the ground' to find out.  What I am sure is that Nebraska is a place where I can 'be'.

That is a worry of mine, that her destiny takes her away and that would then impact on mine.  I don't really consider that 'what if' as I am still planning on how to make what I know happens.  At some point, I will have to consider, 'what if', but it isn't now. 

As of now, Thunderbirds Are GO!


lisa41076 said...

Mark, I love your entries, I agree with you on the scars, Mine have made me the strong person I am today, Love Lisa

luvrte66 said...

I would just say to be cautious...please don't move to Nebraska with the hopes that you will find a relationship with Nebraska. If she is to be your friend, that's great! Just please don't get yourself hurt.

Love, Beth

lv2trnscrb said...

I liked reading this, Mark, it gave me a deeper understanding about Nebraska, not just the person or the place, but like you said, the concept. I'm thinking sometimes the best of relationships start out between people foremost being friends; having Nebraska as a friend is a good place to start to get familiar with Nebraska as a place and put the concept into practice too


buckoclown said...

I know that your trials and tribulations have made you a stronger person, with the romantic side, but just make sure you go to Nebraska for the right reasons.  You know this already, but just know that we care and want you to be happy :o)