I Can Do It ..!

FREESTYLE FRIDAY ..!

Keeping this journal is important to me, as it has been part of my routine and keeps me focused.  I usally jot stuff down, but today because I think I have been such a good boy, I am going to do an 'up and out' entry ...

... what ever comes up, will be coming out ..!

PIECES OF THE STAR THIEF

About to get NC-17 in here.  One of the things that I haven't addressed is that this 'mission' included involuntary chastity.  How is it that a fairly attractive, virile male who is an '8 percenter', keeps his sanity?  Because you can only run SO far ...

First, being 41, I had BETTER be able to let the 'big head' do the thinking.  By doing that, I realize that it is only thru sexualization, not intellectual or spiritual stimulation (ooh, that is a heady conceptualization for a reg'lar bloke!) that is being activated in me.  So the two should beat the one, right?

I 'see' women, but only in their pieces ... all shadow no substance.  Whenever I find myself looking at them, I only see a shade, without depth.  This is why AKA and I are 'friends' and why something that was so anticipated was a let down, despite not having any high hopes or expectations.

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN WE MET ...

... went to Tee Jay's house.  Don't know how I feel, even with having no real expectations.  I enjoyed seeing her Mom, 'A squared', her daughter and her older brother and sister in law.  Her nephew Jr. was in there as well, and we were always cool.

Kept to my script ... I still love her, and I didn't want to interfere with her relationship which is why after trying to wait them out for a few years, I went ahead and moved on ...

Reiterated that I didn't want to be in Detroit, especially since all my sibs are gone.  It makes me instantly uncomfortable, and I have my sights set on Nebraska, to be near my Army sister (especially if she can homestead another tour there) and my Best Sister in Chicago.

I could only remain in Detroit to be involved with you ...

But this was done in astraight away, passionless fashion.  Something kept me from being enthusiastic about being in her prescence ... the reality of actually doing an 'Ex- List' has lost its novelty.  Also, there are some adjustments that I am not sure she'd want to make to include me ... and there are some that just HAVE to be made for me ...

... and it goes beyond the level of thinking I want to do for right now. 

WHAT HE LEFT BEHIND HE HADN'T VALUED...

When I first came upon this 'Ex-list' idea, I was well aware of how bad an idea it was.  In fact, it is what kept me from letting Pecan Sandie 'win' whenever she would come to Detroit, invariably to try to take me down to Georgia.  That it is(dated an Ex) something that I hadn't done, meant to me, that maybe I should give it a go, in leaving no stone unturned.  Mookie and I had a good run, better go than when we were oh so much younger.  I have to admit to having hopes with the idea, because I have really liked as well as loved the women in my life.  And while it is more than just me 'doing me', I also have accounted for the differences in the 'Exes' too.

The is a certain something, kind of like the stuff they talk about in the 'E-harmony'-ish commercials, something that you KNOW when you see it.  I don't expect to see it on the redo, and there are things that are there with Tee Jay ...

... but it is going to take work.  And the thing is, failure is not the final outcome in this, but man, failing in the same thing ... eww ... WHY!!

I have had to look others in the eye, besides Sandie and tell them "uh, yeah, still in love ... not so much", and kept on going.  Which is why I know that I am strong enough to take the 'click' of the phone when I call and tell someone, "Remember me, your old boyfriend, Mark", or accept the sting of the palm of someone's hand against my cheek.

I still 'feel' her ... but I am doing my 'pinging' and what I am picking up, is very faint.  Is it a false echo?  I would be putting a lot more at risk, and I would be hard pressed to justify it.

She did say she wanted to see me again.  We hugged, no kisses despite it being available.  I can wait for anything more intimate ... I told her that I loved her, and that without her, I wasa sure bet for Nebraska.  That is intimate enough.

Anyway ... next issue ... MY AWESOME MIXTAPE ..!