Monday, July 7, 2008

... this is a long drive ...

...FOR SOMEONE WITH NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT ...

This is defintely going to be a process.

Hope everyone's weekend was okay.  Mine was actually cool.  Spent some time with AKA at the CityFest, where we ran into a college chum of hers, and her husband (I am assuming).  One of my most admirable traits is how seamlessly I can fall into a conversation with someone, and this was no exception.  Me and the guy took our little chat to the daily topic of the state of the city and the politics of the area.  Nice, intelligent and rational conversation.  No one I am with ever needs to be embarrassed at me in social situations.

Also helped her with her yard (after all, I promised to help her around her house) and went home and watched a wretched movie, 'Cloverfield'.  If you have a choice between a bullet in the head and watching that movie ...

Sunday came, and I went to a bookstore and sat around watched a little.  I wanted to do some 'thoughtful thinking', but I wasn't feeling like I wanted.  For some reason, a melancholy was misting up within my soul, and I did not know why.  Fortunately, I read a column in the Freep by Susan Ager, and she clairfies how gardening isn't 'all-consuming' as her husband observed, but an activity of 'cleansing' in mind and spirit.

I thought, "Isn't that what fitness and exercise is for me?  Didn't I just make a big run from 48227 to 48240, a 'handicapped' run at that?  Thinking back to how I felt after proudly finishing that run and tapping into that deep resevoir of positive energy, I was able to right myself and stabilize back into being me.

COLORS

My heart is in North Carolina, which is why I 'talk' in Carolina Blue.  My parentheticals, to either clairfy, enhance or just to be snarky 'thought balloons'.

Or it could be for a major university in Nebraska.

Navy blue is going to be for deep, profound 'actions'.  I like it, though I would have liked to use a Royal blue, for my new major league team, the Royals.  The offerings on here leave me with some to be desired.  Besides I like navy blue.  And yes Frannie, BLUE is my favourite color.

Sometimes, when I share a possible conflict with another person, it does not always mean someone is going to suffer through a 'read and burn' conversation.  Rather than that, resolution with care given to miniumize the damage is what I am after.

Not that I am perfect.  Had I been walking downtown in Chicago alone or with another person other than Nebraska, it is quite possible that I would not be writing this now or would have far fewer entries, as I am sure to have been ticketed for a county lock up had I gotten a chance to 'open fire'.  So the random a** kickin' still rattles around in me, waiting for a chance to escape.

Also, you don't need to cut someone with words to win an disagreement.  Resolution with positive consequence is my goal ALWAYS.  To part ways without hurt feelings and resentments is my goal.

So to have sliced up the Skimmie would have taken energy that would have lit my eyes, and that could have been mistaken for something else.  By the droning monotone and flat glisten that reflected only the emptiness of her own soul was enough.  Same for Mookie, who I spoke to about some mail recently, and in whose voice I could hear 'something', but by not caring to ask her of anything other than 'just the facts', I think I come out with all the 'get back' I need.  Anyway, if she can find someone who will be more capable a partner than I was, then fine.  I doubt that she will, but 'I ain't gonna hate'.  Let her find her bliss.

I am going to find mine.  Besides, Joyce Carol Oates said it best, didn't she not?  "Revenge is living well, without you."

PROCESSING

Still thinking about the changes in my life's approach.  Wrote some stuff out.  Read some stuff, and heard some more on the radio.  The information has me actually feeling better about things (which made the brief fog of melancholy all the more out of place).  The vision I have still isn't defined, but I can see it clearer all the time.  My mind is 'pregnant' with my vision, as it may not come to pass exactly when I want it to or even at the date I expect.  It could be more complicated than I thought, but when it comes to pass, it will be like a child being born, a joyful occasion that is worth all the strain and effort ... and its pleasures lasts a lifetime. 

Kinda like being in love. 

I am not talking that poetic, sometimes immature, idealized notion of love.  This is the STATE OF BEING in LOVE, of it being something active just beneath the level of consciousness, working all on its on, very much like the beating of your heart.

Being in love is what makes you pick up a stray Carolina, or better yet, Ohio State tee shirt when you are out shopping with your friends in the mall, or it is what has you bring home flowers for the dinner table because they are saying to someone, that 'you are special to me and you are in my mind.'

The state of being in love is what brings you back to the arms of a person after hurtful words have been traded between you and it also is what grants the forgiveness so that the loving can continue on its way.  Nothing can diminsh the purpose that has brought you to that person, and it makes the apology sincere and forgiveness deep and readily granted.

San Diego.  Atlanta.  Nebraska.  Vancouver.  Raliegh-Durham.  Madrid.  All are places on my table and are in play because of love.  Will I go there or will we go together?  Whatever is the case, love will be there as long as two move as one.

And to think, I was considering ... eh, that is for another day!

11 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

I just love your paragraph towards the end of your entry, Mark that starts with "the state of being in love"; that is so very profound and so very true

wow, you got a lot of potential places on the market; can't beat San Diego for weather and things to do, but very expensive to live in this area; but where there is a will, there is a way for sure


thanks for the review of Cloverfield; I think I'll save my money for something more enjoyable

as for you, I hope your day goes well

betty

luvrte66 said...

Being drawn into an argument gives the other person much more satisfaction than whatever "points" you can score with your words. Good for you.

And glad the fog of melancholy has lifted.

Beth

buckoclown said...

Glad you found your way back to being you :o)

inafrnz247 said...

The "state of being in love..." paragraph really moved me.  It is extraordinary, how much one heart can overcome when it is molded with another in such a way.  

I'm glad you're sorting out some of life's puzzling pieces and finding comforting moments amid the storms when you can.  When it really counts.  So it seems.

Peace,  Chelle

toonguykc said...

Excellent, practical words about love....how do you do it???

Russ

lisa41076 said...

Mark, saying "Hi" to you from the library, more snail mail is coming for you, Hugs Lisa

lisa41076 said...

Mark, saying "Hi" to you from the library, more snail mail is coming for you, Hugs Lisa

lisa41076 said...

Mark, saying "Hi" to you from the library, more snail mail is coming for you, Hugs Lisa

csandhollow said...

"The state of being in love is what brings you back to the arms of a person after hurtful words have been traded between you and it also is what grants the forgiveness so that the loving can continue on its way.  Nothing can diminsh the purpose that has brought you to that person, and it makes the apology sincere and forgiveness deep and readily granted."

Beautiful

malagutigrrl said...

Madrid?  
Did I miss something?
Are my alerts not working... or is it my brain?

lisa41076 said...

Mark, hope you got my mail by now, Hugs Lisa