Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Way


Aim is to go thru one to get to the finish of the other.  Sorta think they flow into one another, and hope to find out something about myself in the process ...


I'd rather she hated me.

Early in the second year I was the Mook's, she stopped coming to visit.  As it were, we'd call to set pick up times, ride the beltway and bring her up.  Then, for some reason, she stopped being 'available'.  I would 'day trip', but it was not enough.  Eventually, as I managed to find my way un 'n down to Carolina (unaccompanied) and Georgia (chaperoned), I can just about imagine how that looked to her.  Letting our relationship break down because of unanswered voice mail, missed dates ... and with her knowing that I was making my way back and forth between the others (I had invited her to Carolina with me) I can imagine how it may have seemed to her ... actions like that can only say one thing to a child, can't they?

If I knew why I could manage relations with the other girls better, then wouldn't I have done so with Skye?  I can't go back, but I want to try to build from here with her.  Looking at her, I could see myself in her and as I told her Mother, I recognize her as she is. 

This is the was the first time I felt anything towards my first wife in over at least a decade.  Listening to her express her worries about Skye and her concerns for her, each word was like a drop of acid in my heart.  The love and concern she has for our daughter, not unexpected of course, but good to hear the same, filled me with the hope that my relationship with our daughter was salvagable.

I had to get over myself.  Yes Isabelle, there is indeed a special spot in Dante's hell saved for cats such as myself ... one of them circles.  But until that moment comes, I am going to see if I can win back a place in my daughter's life.

Because I got confused getting there, I asked my First Wife to take me to the bus stop, which they both did.  I got out of the car, and watched it pull away out of focus, out of sight ...


The whole thing actually went like most things have since I've been in Detroit, better than I could have expected.  My First Wife has grown, and BJ is just as silly as can be, and I did speak with my baby.  But just because D-Day was won, doesn't mean there weren't losses, and there weren't tensions leading up to it.

That is where I was on Father's Day.  I figured on doing something that would ease the tension in my mind, and that would do it.  But in being tense, it didn't mean I had a whole lot of space on my shoulder to cry on.

I don't feel sorry for myself.  Flavor Flav once rapped, "It was YOU who made your due, YOU built a maze you can't get thru ..."

That applies for others as well.

Myself, I don't care what you believe, God, Yahweh, Allah, Ninaveh, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (excellent movie ..! will get seen again soon!), I don't know of any believe system that the best things in existence isn't there to be availed to you, if you work and believe in yourself.  Call me crazy, but I think that is a large part of it. 

I stay 'upbeat' because I made this mess, and I also realise that I have the ability to clean it up.  As much fun as I had making it, I will enjoy getting it arranged neatly, you feel me?

But I don't do pity.  I am human, and there are 'moments', but I work hard at making them moments.  I won't lose myself in the 'woe is me' of my own doings, nor will I do so with others.

Like AKA.

We have had this discussion several times in the time we have known each other.  She comes from what appears to be one of those enviable 'safe and stable homes' you pass in those fine middle class neighborhoods that exist everywhere (though they are getting squeezed like a grape in a vise!)

Yeah, I may have done this and could have had that, if I was in your spot ... thing is, I AM NOT.  Not only that, I happen to REALLY LIKE MYSELF, and think that I am the only thing keeping me from the life I want.

Just like you are the only thing keeping you from your life, from yourself.

We aren't in Darfur, we didn't grow up in Uzbekistan or in the slums of Mumbai (uh, I did actually say this sentence to her ... pretty cool, I thought!).  Get the hell over what ever it is you DIDN'T do, and start doing what you CAN.  The life I am arranging for myself, doesn't have a spot in it for people that are wallowing in their own mess.  I have real worries, real thing that I may never overcome.  But I am going to do my Sisyphus thing, and fight on until I can't, not until I don't want to, or until I feel I have done enough.

Got me?

And to put emphasis on this, I pulled out my nuclear option ... and that is going to be at another time ... because I did get what I NEEDED out of this, and maybe there is just enough left for one more entry ...

Listen to some Midnight Oil ..!


luvrte66 said...

Love Midnight Oil. Which song are you referencing?

I applaud you for this. So many people dwell on past hurts and previous mistakes, rather than moving forward. I call it "wallowing in your own misery." The sad thing is that there are plenty of people like that who love to take others down with them.

I appreciate your willingness to own your mistakes and try to rectify them if you can--but either way, you seem to be resolved to moving forward in your life.

All my best,

lv2trnscrb said...

I do like and admire your attitude, Mark, with saying you made the mess, you'll clean up the mess and not losing yourself in "woe is me"; so many people get stuck in that and can never get themselves dragged back up out of it

I do hope you can build a relationship with Skye; I'm sure it would benefit both of you


buckoclown said...

Do not give up, be persistant, and Skye will come around :o)

toonguykc said...

Just wanted you to know that if anybody else quoted Flavor Flav I wouldn't take them, however, I make an exception.  ;)


malagutigrrl said...

How old is Skye?