I think too much. I will get rid of the ring. If I gave it to a daughter, it means I would be on the hook for two more. No more hidden meanings or deeper truths.
Interview Wenesday morning. Hopefully working sometime next week! I wonder if I will really be able to balance those big tray again ..! Will be fun trying to find out!
KNOWING YOUR BABARIANS
That is what I call it when you are looking inside of yourself and picking out what it is that is YOUR PROBLEM. Some are deep and you may need help in getting to know them. But for the most of us, it takes a moment of being honest with ourselves, then walking outside with the 'new you' that you have gotten to know.
Being Mark for over 40 years, I have a strong ideal of some of the things that make me the mess that I am. Most of what has gone on, particularly the 'unhoped for' stuff, was my fault. Some of it, it seems to me, was beyond my control.
Such as how I am seen.
Stopped caring about what people outside of my audience thought about me a long time ago. Being human is why what other folks think about me matter, but I shake myself and keep going on. To put things bluntly, I stopped getting my undies in a bunch about being called 'a sissy' quite a long time ago, back in my childhood. So awkwardly stumbling through adolescence and young adulthood, it was others who had a problem me being who I am.
The Fly Skimmie was one of those people, but I thought she had out grew that. I know what folks thought of me, but I KNEW who I was, so it didn't bother me, as long as you were outside of the cicle of who mattered to me. If you mattered to me, and I let you get close enough to me, then you should know. That you didn't, wasn't a reflection on me, but of you. You weren't that important to me.
But for the Skimmie, I went through the normal agaonies pretty and popular girls drag their 'male friends' thru. She would have made a great 'fag hag', which I have never told her. There enough reasons for her to still be single, and if I thought she could handle it, Iwould have told her then, why she was looking across the table and still considering me for a partner.
I didn't. When I asked if she wanted to have a meaningful relationship with me, she asked if I had ever had a homosexual experience. At first, I thought she may have been referencing something she saw in a movie or confusing me with her moments of 'sexual exploration' in college.
Laughing it off, I kept on with the conversation. A few moments later, she came back to that question, and was more serious. I looked at her, and asked her why would she ask that of me? She mentioned my friendship with Hutch and that I went with my brother to some of the clubs in Palmer Park - 6 mile and Woodward area.
Life doesn't just flash by your eyes at the moment of expirations. Sometimes you get that flash in moments when it all hits you. Her questioning my sexuality was that moment. She knew that I had issues with that from high school, because I couldn't pay a girl to go out with me, in fact, she was one of those girls!
She told me that she and her Mother thought that my boxing and going off to the Army was an attempt to cover who I really was and --
WHO I REALLY WAS?!? What the --
All those times I hung around her, going to Fairlane (back when it was still nice) and helping her and her Mom set the house for parties. Helping pick out clothes and crap, telling her which outfit to wear ...
... okay, maybe it did seem a little 'peculiar'. But she always seemed to have some cat around her, so why would I bother her? When I say I have never had to deal with competing with another guy for a girl, I haven't. She would go out with her boyfriends, and I would not mind, because I figured that I would get my chance ...
... more later ...