Monday, June 30, 2008



I think too much.  I will get rid of the ring.  If I gave it to a daughter, it means I would be on the hook for two more.  No more hidden meanings or deeper truths.


Interview Wenesday morning.  Hopefully working sometime next week!  I wonder if I will really be able to balance those big tray again ..!  Will be fun trying to find out!


That is what I call it when you are looking inside of yourself and picking out what it is that is YOUR PROBLEM.  Some are deep and you may need help in getting to know them.  But for the most of us, it takes a moment of being honest with ourselves, then walking outside with the 'new you' that you have gotten to know.

Being Mark for over 40 years, I have a strong ideal of some of the things that make me the mess that I am.  Most of what has gone on, particularly the 'unhoped for' stuff, was my fault.  Some of it, it seems to me, was beyond my control.

Such as how I am seen.

Stopped caring about what people outside of my audience thought about me a long time ago.  Being human is why what other folks think about me matter, but I shake myself and keep going on.  To put things bluntly, I stopped getting my undies in a bunch about being called 'a sissy' quite a long time ago, back in my childhood.  So awkwardly stumbling through adolescence and young adulthood, it was others who had a problem me being who I am.

The Fly Skimmie was one of those people, but I thought she had out grew that.  I know what folks thought of me, but I KNEW who I was, so it didn't bother me, as long as you were outside of the cicle of who mattered to me.  If you mattered to me, and I let you get close enough to me, then you should know.  That you didn't, wasn't a reflection on me, but of you.  You weren't that important to me.

But for the Skimmie, I went through the normal agaonies pretty and popular girls drag their 'male friends' thru.  She would have made a great 'fag hag', which I have never told her.  There enough reasons for her to still be single, and if I thought she could handle it, Iwould have told her then, why she was looking across the table and still considering me for a partner.

I didn't.  When I asked if she wanted to have a meaningful relationship with me, she asked if I had ever had a homosexual experience.  At first, I thought she may have been referencing something she saw in a movie or confusing me with her moments of 'sexual exploration' in college.

Laughing it off, I kept on with the conversation.  A few moments later, she came back to that question, and was more serious.  I looked at her, and asked her why would she ask that of me?  She mentioned my friendship with Hutch and that I went with my brother to some of the clubs in Palmer Park - 6 mile and Woodward area.

Life doesn't just flash by your eyes at the moment of expirations.  Sometimes you get that flash in moments when it all hits you.  Her questioning my sexuality was that moment.  She knew that I had issues with that from high school, because I couldn't pay a girl to go out with me, in fact, she was one of those girls!

She told me that she and her Mother thought that my boxing and going off to the Army was an attempt to cover who I really was and --

WHO I REALLY WAS?!? What the --

All those times I hung around her, going to Fairlane (back when it was still nice) and helping her and her Mom set the house for parties.  Helping pick out clothes and crap, telling her which outfit to wear ...

... okay, maybe it did seem a little 'peculiar'.  But she always seemed to have some cat around her, so why would I bother her?  When I say I have never had to deal with competing with another guy for a girl, I haven't.  She would go out with her boyfriends, and I would not mind, because I figured that I would get my chance ...

... more later ...


luvrte66 said...

Oh man, I don't blame you. I have no problem if someone IS gay, but a close friend will understand you better than that and not have to ask that question.

I don't like her anymore. Ha ha!


buckoclown said...

Big difference between being sensitive and being homosexual.  You have to care enough about someone to figure it out without being blunt and hurtful :o)

lv2trnscrb said...

should have read ahead, Mark, and I would have seen you decided to get rid of the ring; good choice

good luck with the job interview come Wednesday

interesting thoughts Fly Skimmie had; seems like she was stereotyping without really thinking about it; I would have been offended too


funnyface0s0 said...

Its strange that we have to catergorise people and put them in boxes, and when we cannot figure out which box to put them in then they must be 'gay'.   So we never know what people really think of us.   So long as you are happy with who you are surely thats all that matters - you'll never please the world, so don't beat yourself up trying.      Good luck with the interview.

mpnaz58 said...

Ohhhh, so that was the question!!  Can't wait to hear what you said!
xoxo ~Myra

malagutigrrl said...

I knew who I was quite early on.  Coming out as a lesbian when I was 18 was the best thing I ever did (and I'm not mentioning this because I think you're gay LOL).  You would have thought that would have been the HARD thing. It was my music that was the hard thing.  Everyone in my life who had some sort of life experience or authority over me thought I was crazy.   Everyone but Pop and my friends.  I'd never make it, the others said.  You'll starve to death.  Well, I didn't turn out to be Winona, but I had the TIME OF MY LIFE!  I lived my life exactly how I wanted to and don't regret a bit  of it.  And never did.  
You and I seem to be the same like that when it comes to boxing and music...

rdautumnsage said...

Ah the question...finally. Ummm usually when a woman asks that question, on the heals of it is the statement you would make a great friend but not in that dept. No wonder you were put off by her after that. Sounds like she didn't get the fact that a guy can be compassionate, understanding and be with her in whatever format (shopping, clothing)....I never got that feeling from reading you. (Hugs)Indigo

abaleman666 said...

congrats on the job.  i know what you mean about the lack of the male influence, i sorta missed out on the 'mom' boat so being a lady at times befuddles me for lack of a better word.

i always thought two things about people that questioned the sexual orientation of others:  one, they have really rigidly defined sex roles based on stereotypical expectations of gender, and it is their own sexuality that is really in question.

i would of done the same thing.  if you KNOW me you know me and you dont have to ask.

ps pawn the ring and buy yourself something frivolous with it :D