Monday, May 12, 2008

... though the Eagle has landed ...

... this is NOT Tranquility Base ..!

... maybe I haven't really been in Detroit in what, 20 years ..?

The few years that I was here, I didn't get a real strong 'whiff' of what Detroit smells like.  I want to say that I didn't expect to see a paradise, as the older industrial cities are kind of crumbling, but what is going on here, is quite a shock.

But I am adjusting, getting accustomed to the pressure that comes with being in this town.  Each day though, is a challenge, no question about it.  Things are not at all what I had anticipated, but they ARE workable.  It is going to be more 'nose to the grindstone' from here on out.  I don't want to stay in this town, and I don't even think it is safe for me to stay here.

At a downtown Branch of the library today, as I took the first small step to tidying up my affairs in town, I look around at the humanity here.  And again, I have to catch myself before I start to 'feel' the weight of their lives, and what brought them here, as of course, I am not at all too different from the lost souls that sit here with me.

But I do have the workings of a plan. 

SECOND PLACE ... STEAK KNIVES ..!

Nebraska has offered me help in getting settled out there.  Fine and dandy, and that is FIRST PRIZE.  That is what I am going for.  Not going to fret about the romantic part of the relationship, as she has made it clear how she feels about me in that regard.  She wants to help me out as a friend, and that is not bad at all.  It could be worse ... she could just have 'X'ed me out of her life forever.  Her show of concern for me by suggesting that I try it out there in the cornfields meant that she can see something in me that would allow me to fit out there.  That is good enough for me, because I feel something from her that allows me to let her make such a choice for me.

Other than perhaps moving in with my sister in Chicago, there really isn't going to be any waffling around about what I am going to do.  I would think it would take me AT LEAST a calendar year to get set up for something like that, and that is a minimum that won't get changed, unlike leaving Mookie.  In fact, because that did not go as smoothly as I had hoped, the year has to be written in stone.  As it is, I HAVE to go back to tie some things off.

When it comes to going to Nebraska (as opposed to being with Nebraska), I have no illusions.  I would take her friendship, let her point me off to where I need to go, and be grateful and indebted to her for her help.  But I don't think I am a big city cat, not anymore.  Road the bus for an hour one way ... there was plenty of city behind me where I got on, and there is plenty of city ahead of me when I got off.  To be out there in the 'open spaces' between places is not something I want to find myself coping with too often.  Though I am telling myself it has only been a week, the tension is racheted up quite a few notches.

NEW CHARACTERS

Uh, there are too many to note.  Do have a little nephew who I am going to take under my wing ... and I have already spoken with and talked to AKA, who's life resembles the city itself.  I can only shake my head and hope for the best for her.

My first wife and Skye are going to be problematic.  What problems, I don't know, but they are.  I hope to be able to reach an workable relationship with them.  I would think that I would catch up to my BFF and SD, but I am not sure.  Oh, I think there is a fellow journalist or two that I would like to break bread with, just to see how they are doing, for real tho'!

I do try to 'write' things down ... but when I looked back over them notes, I was like, "Why?"

Why remember the first few days of 'decompression', where calling Mookie up and telling her I had made a mistake and begging for her forgiveness, seemed resonable?  Don't need to account for how I felt for the first time in my adult life, like 'prey' as I walked the street, the once middle to low middle class neighborhood now, just low, as the erosion of the middle class continues.  Looking at all the businesses that are not shuttered, but gutted, blackend by fires, and boarded up that were once busy making my heart heavy.

Better to just move on, and deal with what I am dealing with.  There is enough that lies ahead for me to be concerned with.  And I HAVE to do what I am here to do ...

... one side benefit of being in Detroit ... I weigh less here than any other place!  I think that the stress here burns calories for me!  Got on a regular beat up scale and it said 217 ... FULLY CLOTHED!  You can take 3 - 5 lbs. off and whatever you have is still better than what I was at the last weigh in ..!

Cool beans ... kinda ..!

9 comments:

rdautumnsage said...

((Hugs)) Delighted to get a post from you in any form dear friend. I kind of knew in my gut things would be as you describe them. In our minds we see things as they were and we left them, we don't account for the changes and time in between. Sounds like even with that realization you still keep a wise head on your shoulders. The wide open spaces is what I'm determined to find at some point in my life. I live in Suburbia, yet long to be away from city life altogether some day. Could be age or just a profound peace that embraces the silence. In any event it was nice to hear from you...(Hugs) Indigo

dougsbabygirl31 said...

I am so glad that you are back!! I am still having culture shock over Dertroit and I have been here for almost 3 years!! I am looking forward to hopefully getting up north this summer.... Gaylord, to be exact, I love it up there and that is more what I am used to....

Tawnya

malagutigrrl said...

HEY DUDE!!!
I was waiting for the Eagle to land and was just thinking about you yesterday as another mundane day of my own found you not in my inbox.  Sounds like you got your work cut out for you.  But I've no doubt you did the right thing in leaving where you were.  The whole world is in front of you now...
Can't wait to hear more of your new adventures.  And about your little nephew. ..

buckoclown said...

Hang in their man!  Do what you need to do and get to a place that will allow you to move to your next phase.  :o)

mpnaz58 said...

I am so glad you are ok!  Do what you have to do there, so you can take the next step.  Detroit is temporary, my friend.  Keep your head high, and your eyes on the prize...even if you don't quite "know" what that is.  That is really nice of Nebraska to offer to help you...perhaps that is exactly what you need...fresh air and a completely change of scenery.  Take care...
xoxo ~Myra

csandhollow said...

Been about 18 years since I passed through Detroit last. It scared me. Al those gaping windows like monsters staring...
You will be fine, I know it. You are stronger than you ever give yourself credit for.

toonguykc said...

"who's life resembles the city itself"...that's scary, but so well put.  You'll make a good mentor.

Russ

lv2trnscrb said...

as long as it is workable, I think a person can put up with just about anything for a short period of time; I didn't want to be in Orange County when we moved there 2 years ago but it was a workable situation and in looking back, it was a good holding place for that period of our lives; convinced had we stayed in Montana, my son would not have graduated high school; so just hang in there, workable and doable is good things right now; its not a permanent place and it will help you stay focused to what and where you want to be in the months ahead; in the meantime, stay safe

betty

abaleman666 said...

wb to the big D.  if you think it sucked here in the winter, nebraska is like 100x worse.


v 2.o is my ex
v 1.o is my other ex

i seriously doubt i will ever partake in carnivorous ways again.  we have killed... and we shall be judged (burn, an awesome  but now defunct revelation band, you should check them out if you can find their stuff on ebay)