Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Fog of War

The Big Three

“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit.” - Aristotle

The time has come for me to go ‘dark’. This is going to be my last entry until I am settled. The objective is clear as are the challenges. The pre-fight instructions have been given and the trainers have left the ring. The opening bell is but moments away …

… somewhere in between figuring out love, war and sports, I believe that a person stands a very good shot at life. Lessons learned in either of the three can be transferred into one’s real life and if you are good at one, you can learn how to behave in any other sphere of life. This is something I have come to accept as part foundation to my personal philosophy, which is why there is so much talk about love, sports and the odd military reference in my life.

“Going Dark”, is something I am about to do. Time for wishing I had done more roadwork, had finally been able to slip a fast left jab, and keeping my hands up is done. What you have, is what you got to give. And if you don’t think you know what to do, ignore what you don’t know, and believe in what you do.

I have written out a letter for lil’ Mook, as I feel it is better to leave without her seeing than it is for her to face my leaving. That is for her Mother to explain. Will show the draft I have prepared for Mookie, and I hope that I can leave without having to face her. It isn’t that I have the ‘queasy’ about it, not that. In fact, there is a considerable part of me that looks FORWARD to such an event. But as one of my patrons intimated, Carl Von Clauswitz, ‘all care must be given to obtain victory with the least shedding of blood’. To ‘hurt’ Mookie purposefully would be similar to a Phyrric victory. I don’t know of too many relationships that have ended on such calm, if not good, terms. That IS what I wanted, and to have managed to get this far without major flare ups of any kind, is a big win, in a situation where there is no real victors.

Only compromises.

So here is what Mookie will get …

I have given a lot of thought to what I would like for you to know, and it hasn’t been easy coming up with these words. The emotions in my heart go back and forth and back again, changing by the hour. There are some things that aren’t changing, and those are the things that drive my decision.

I am not going to pretend that I do enough to help you out around here, and I don’t pretend that I am the person you expected for a partner. Sometimes, someone that is ‘trying really hard’ and ‘trying to do their best’, isn’t what someone wants to hear when they need something to happen. Were you to ask me ‘why’ that is, I wouldn’t be able to give you a definitive answer, but I would start making excuses. And no one wants to hear excuses when they are looking for what they need.

Also, I realize that I am adding a responsibility to your life, one which you may not reasonably expect relief from. As it is, your life is going to go thru some huge changes, with work, the baby going off to high school, and worrying about your sister in Vegas. I don’t know what else is on your mind, but with that alone, you have more than enough to be concerned with.

There isn’t a lot more for me to say, as we have had enough discussion about ‘us’. I can accept that my trying to be what I thought was a good partner isn’t enough. I have my own issues that are important to me, and I could see where they would become but more burdens for you to bear, as you have enough things that are important for you and your daughter to be concerned with.

The only thing that I can think to ask you, is to encourage lil’ Mook to keep in touch with me. I think of her as one of my own daughters, and I won’t stop loving her as one. As we all have our insecurities, I have told you that one of mine, of feeling like I am getting in someone’s way when they don’t want me around, is one. I won’t bother her at all unless you  mind.

Got to wish you the best. I am sure that everything is going to work out just fine for you.

I hope that I can get most of what I is mine out of here.  I am sure there will be some things I will have to 'get over' not having ... there is ONE thing that I am leaving her with ...

... the Father's day card she gave to me last year.  That's my 'gotcha' ...

9 comments:

buckoclown said...

God Speed!

mpnaz58 said...

Sounds like its winding down for you, and the last remnants are fading.  Good luck, my friend.  
xoxo ~Myra

robinngabster said...

:(

dougsbabygirl31 said...

Mark~ Good luck with the leaving, I will look forward to your return. I know that it is hard leaving lil Mook, but it would be harder to stay... Hugs to you my friend.

Tawnya

rdautumnsage said...

I hope you know you will be in my thoughts and prayers on the smoke. I'll be waiting for your return my dear friend. You WILL be missed until then. Stay safe and loved....the journey is just beginning. (Hugs) Indigo

inafrnz247 said...

I am new to your journal (first visit here...  I promise I haven't lurked for long!)and wanted to say hello and wish you all the best in your journey.  

I do welcome a visit to my journal, but at the moment it is mostly filled with photos.  You can back track to read more, if you like.  

Kindly,

Michelle

csandhollow said...

I will be looking forward to more from you. You make me think. You are a good person.
Celeste

abaleman666 said...

sometimes being off the radar is a good thing.  hit the blog up when you resurface and remember just put one foot in front of the other, remember to breathe, and everything else should be.  (sometimes just to be is enough, no need to attach emotional meaning to being...just be...be...be)

alaina

fishydawabbit said...

you really, really , really make me think about myself...stop doing that!