Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sunday Thoughts

… uh, how long does jet lag last? 
Anyway, we’ve missed two events this month.  The first, the local library sponsored a visit by THE Walter Mosley, who is promoting his latest literary foray, this into the sci-fi genre for young adults.  Yesterday was the ‘Green and White’ game for State.  Couldn’t have snuck out for the Mosley gig, as it was a 7 p.m. start time, and that would have been too conspicuous of an absence.  The ‘Green and White’ game would have been a nice family function, and I would have had a chance to walk lil’ Mook around the State campus (which is beautiful!)
I wonder how she really feels towards me, as I am aware that there is a ‘reality’ here that I am not her biological father, nor have I made it a priority that she acknowledges me as a ‘parent’.  My behavior says that I am, so that is cool … but I do really love her, and spending the time in helping her to grow, I sort of would like to see how she turns out.
Without dishing Mookie’s dirt, I would have thought she’d have considered things like this a little more regarding all of us.  She knows what is best for her daughter … she WELL KNEW how I felt going in to this …  I am thinking that I am going to sit down and tell lil’ Mook myself, because she won’t.
Trying to anticipate ‘the other side’.
Not that I have done this very well during the course of my life, but I think I do alright.  But now, thinking beyond that ‘third or fourth’ level, is a drain on me.  Now, I rely on my experience to guide me, rather than constantly trying to figure Mookie out.  Is she having second thought?  Maybe, maybe not.  What ever it is, I just need to make it to my next step, and let her do what is best for her.  As for me, even were my heart to try to betray me, the logical, thinking side of me won’t let it.  Mainly that it is a matter of my health both mental as well as physical.  So if I have some ‘Sammy Years’ left in me, I don’t want to fritter too much of that time on her.
She has her family for support and I am sure that they will help the girls out.  I am hoping that mine is going to do the same for me.  My hopes for lil’ Mook is like the burning dew at the sunrise, vaporizing and becoming nothing … What is her Mother thinking?  Can’t tell really.  What I do know is that this relationship is coming up short of the runway, and I am trying to set this down as safely as possible.
For me, that is.
So lil’ Mook has the concert the first weekend of June.  That Monday, I want to shoot for being out of here, looking at that Tuesday or Wednesday for being extracted.  Going to make sure I make all my arrangements and get the addresses so that I know where to go when I get to Detroit.  The best I can do, is give the baby a little ‘heads up’ kind of thing, let her know that I do value her, and that she can reach out to me whenever she feels the need to.
Her Mom can handle the rest.
Not going to be the easiest of things … but it is what it is.  But after sitting in the living room, listening to her chat her younger sister, I am like nearly burnt out.  I just can’t stand it, sitting around like there isn’t anything happening.  But I guess telling your business isn’t something you share with family.  How do you say, ‘The man that loves me, I can’t love and he is leaving me for it’, to a sibling?
As a man, I have wondered about how single Mother’s approach dating and relationships.  Mookie isn’t the first single mom; I married one!  Have dated another, and prolly at this stage of my life, date more.  But I have always wondered at how they balance both parts of their lives, the selflessness of being a Mother along with the need and wants of an adult woman.  My Mom was never seen with anyone other than the man she married, at least not as far as my sibs were concerned.  I recall a couple of stray cats, and that is how my brother got here.  But for easily the last 25 years of her life, she didn’t entertain any male companions.  Ouch!
I know that women do things like this … but that is one approach.  My thing is with those who dare to have relationships and raise their children.  What goes thru their minds?  I have dated on girl who was super protective of her 13 year old girl … which is okay, but why is she even meeting me then?  Shouldn’t you ‘check me out’ a bit more, if you are going to let it out that you are hawking me as far as your daughter goes?
If I was friendly enough, I would ask my ex-wife.  I would talk to my Best Sister, if I didn’t think it would trouble her.  Sometimes it is confusing, and it continues to be.  Won’t worry about it too much though, just gonna deal as it comes.  But I would have thought that a woman who has a child or children, would know a little bit more about what they want in a partner and what they are willing to offer.  Just a thought.
One comment mentioned the effect this may have on lil’ Mook and how it will shape and help define her relationships.  One of the reason I have always thought highly about Mookie, is that her Mom and Dad have been together thru the wars.  I thought she at least had a base for what she wanted.  I am afraid not.  When we’ve talked about ‘us’, she has occasionally indicated that she did not know what it was.  She says she does value what I bring into her life, she just doesn’t know why she can’t show it.
Neither do I.  Nor do I care.  She is her own problem …
Prolly get back on message tomorrow.  No worries, as I am still focused on the ‘get gone’.  I don’t want to think beyond tomorrow, because I can get excited and make a mistake.  Don’t want to have to make any unnecessary trips.


lv2trnscrb said...

wow, Mark, your move is coming up soon too! won't be long until it is that time; will lil Mook be done with school by then? I like your approach of how you plan to talk to her; I think that is wise

my mom was a widow at 38 so she wasn't young like a lot of single moms these days, but she had 3 young kids; she chose not to date or get involved with another man because she didn't want him to have to take care of the baggage she would bring with her (she didn't look at us like baggage,she didn't think it was fair for another man to raise someone else's children; she also had such an incredible love for my dad too I think she didn't want to love anyone else)


gryphondear said...

Thought I ought to drop by and check you out as you had commented on a couple of my entries. When I read your journal, my mind plays it in my son's voice--not that there is a great deal of corresponce between his life and yours, just a general way of phrasing.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing in moving on. You personally must do what is best for you; ultimately, you have to live in your own skin.

It's sad that children get short-changed at their parents' whims. However, without legal ties of blood or adoption, there isn't a whole lot you can do for someone else's child. It also sounds like Mookie needs some time to get to know herself better, but she probably wouldn't accept any outsider saying so. As in so many things, if one likes things as they are, one don't look for change. Unfortunately for people who won't examine their lives, refusing to choose is the choice they have made.

;^) Jan the Gryphon

malagutigrrl said...

Good boy!  Keep yer eye on the ball and you'll git there FOR SURE.  I'd put money on you anytime.