Monday, April 7, 2008

The detritus in my mind ...


218.  I figured it would be something like that.  I feel like I have just been treading water as far as that goes.  But as long as I don't into the 20's, I will feel good.

Still going to rachet the exercise stuff down, and start doing more interval training with the running.  I think I want to be between '00 and '05 by my birthday, which is in September.  I don't want to burn out, so I will concentrate on what I eat, which is something that I don't really do too much of!


I am sensing a little bit of whining in me lately.  Part of it is due to impatience.  There is also a little resentment budding up in me as well, for a variety of reasons.  Gonna have to work on that, because there isn't much reason to be doin' any of that.  Watching 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition' will do that to you.

Last night, they were in Montana, and I half expect to see lv2trscrb with the volunteers!  Anywho, the Mom suffers from a rare condition that affects the way her skull sits ... she had to have surgery to have the back of her head fused to her spine.  Living in what was originally designed and served as a chicken coop, her and her husband were raising three beautiful girls.

The Mom shared a conversation she had with her eldest girl, after she had learned she too had inheirited the disease.  After explain this to her, and telling her that she wouldn't be able to have children, the daughter asked, 'Who is going to want me now?'

Watching that, looking at the Mother telling that story, with lil' Mook in full song upstairs, and me spending the the afternoon chatting up my girls, my heart sank a little.  I only THINK I have had to say some difficult things to my girls, about me and our circumstance.  How do you have the conversation where you tell your child that no, you can't have the dreams that others have, you will always have to deal and live out of a smaller life than everyone else, that you can aspire to only so much ..?

A lot of my frustration evaporated watching that show.  I am doing quite alright, if for no other reason, than that I say so.  I will be happy if my girls never have to face anything like that ... and I still get to look forward to at least being a part of their whole, and full lives, with their dreams stretching out before them like a cloudless sky.

Even the things that make me feel 'bad' pales in comparison with what that mother has to feel ... KNOWING that she gave this terrible disease to her daughter ... and that the fate awaits her two younger girls ...

So last night, lil' Mook watched the girls play, and was happy that Candance Parker and Tenessee won, and I fell asleep, trying to make sure that I counted my blessings and being glad for what I have ...


mpnaz58 said...

No matter what we are going though, someone else has it just a little worse...which isn't to say we wish anyone you said, count our blessings...we have so many, right under our noses.  I enjoy that show, but it gets me so emotional.  I stopped watching Cold Case for the same reason...heavy!
xoxo ~Myra

lv2trnscrb said...

LOL, Mark, I would have loved to see that show!! I'll have to see if I can figure out if I can get a video of it; the poor mom, but I think she handled it with great dignity with her daughter and then subsequent daughters down the line. I'm glad there's shows out there that help people in situations like this

its like a pastor said one time in a sermon, be thankful for what you have, no matter what you have and what you are going through, because someone would "love" what you have because what they are going through is far worse (I might have said this before in your journal; can't remember for sure), but it helps to put our lives into perspective when we see others so much less fortunate than we are; helps me to be thankful for what I have :)

(put the CD in the mail for you this morning and I included the message from yesterday; it was on deepening relationships; thought you would enjoy it)


rdautumnsage said...

I can only imagine that feeling of having doomed your child through your illness. I remember my daughter turning 2 and so on until the age of 5 having her hearing tested at every turn. Hoping - praying she wouldn't end up with my hearing disability. Thankfully she doesn't; but then again it tends to skip every third generation somehow. I can remember sitting and telling her and her fiance, if they ever have a girl (It tends to somehow favor the female side) they have to realize she may end up deaf someday.

As for money...I couldn't care less, I've lived both sides of the fence. I would prefer to struggle and be loved than spoiled and be non-existant in life. (Hugs) Indigo