Thursday, April 10, 2008

... another theft from Mary Jo

... if QUIET is the new LOUD ...

... then what is my new normal?  I have been wondering that about myself lately, with preparing myself mentally for my move.  Funny, now that I have 'lost' weight, I will again appear at first glance, 'like Mark'!  It is something I look forward to, being able to go walk around downtown, going to the DFT and then riding the SMART bus straight up the gut on Woodward to RO and B'ham.

I haven't taken for granted how much more easier it is to get around this provincial town.  But, again taking from The Smiths, '... it isn't my home, it's their home and I'm wanted no more ...'!  Anyway, my hopes have been buoyed by Kansas winning the national title!

See, though I didn't know who would win, I did know what the four teams needed to overcome for victory.  And Kansas, was able to find the answer to their biggest (in my mind) flaw.  I want to believe that I have found the answer to mine, at least one of them as it pertain to relationships.  There aren't many people who are willing to admit to a flaw, and fewer still willing to take corrective action upon discovery.

Nebraska asked me what am I going to do when Mookie comes home, after she has been away and perhaps realizes that she does have a good guy around, someone who is indeed a keeper.  I can tell you that it doesn't change anything one bit ... perhaps my timetable, as babysitting has taken a couple of things off the calendar for me, and they are MUST DO's.  But unless she decides to risk getting up and down I-96, filled with the uncertainty that comes when you are in a 'gotta get back in the fight' mode, then I can assure you, that I will not stay, and do not have any intentions of being involved with her in this fashion ever again.

RESENTMENT ... AND BITTERNESS TOO!

Now, 'braska gigged me on wanting to take back my marriage and erasing it.  Doing that, she pointed out, meant undoing Skye, and I didn't want that, did I?  I am human though, and in the moment I was writing, I could only think of what my first wife made me feel.

Here is something else that prolly under objective review, will get reconsidred, but this is how I feel.  Now that Mookie has a clearer understanding of some of what I have had to experience and live with not just in spirit, but because of the nature of the conditions, a possible reality, she may be reconsidering how she deals with me.

I think I may have said this earlier, but guys aren't like ladies when it comes to the 'reconsider' thing.  If he has said he is going to go left, even though the street map, the GPS, and the construction signs say go right, he is going to turn left.  Failing that, I have counted to three, and my mind is set.  Not to diminish what her family is currently experiencing, but i really imagine what is going through their minds, what is troubling their hearts.  Unfortunately for Mookie, I have been struggling with her for well over two years, to AVOID becoming the subject of such a drama.

She didn't listen.  Now, with it staring her in the face, and mabe making her realize that she is letting a keeper go, she wants to see if she can slavage things.  Ain't gonna happen.  Won't risk it.  Can't, and that is just that.  Each time I stop to entertain the possibility, the emotions I feel share the plane that the emotions I feel for my first wife are kept.  Not a good sign.

Tears, pleas, burnt clother, beat up brothers (oh, you THINK they are going to get ME?  Puh-LEEZE!), I am going to get gone!

SOUNDTRACK STUFF ..!

KOKOMO

I was still working in Southfield, for a automotive non-profit.  It was a super cool job, where I could do my 'Nigel' with no problem, when I heard this song on WDET.  If it doesn't show up, go to You Tube, and type in Eric Bibb - Kokomo and it should pop up.

He is a blues singer, and the video is just him, a drummer and his guitar on a stage somewhere in Europe, where he lives and has his bread butered.

I told some friends you came from Gary though your home was nap town
Last time I saw you you were in nyc leaving on a greyhound homeward bound
Gave you what I had in my pocket enough for candy bar and beer
Did not wave with not wave good bye with a low down feelin’ still I held back the tears
I started thinking about you up in Milwaukee it was raining when we reached Chicago
But the tears didn’t start rolling down my cheek until we rolled into Kokomo
 
…till we rolled into Kokomo
I 'heard' this song riding the bus to Chicago, to meet Nebraska and see my Best Sister.  I kept feeling this strange feeling of ambivalance that you get when you know you are going to open up your heart and you don't know if you should, and you don't know if you shouldn't.  But you do anyway, because after all, it is what you do. 
 
The way that I felt on the bus ride home, feeling like I was floating, heart once again full ... I knew then that Mookie and I were coming to our end.  I gave her the last shot, and she wasn't no huckleberry ( or Mario Chalmers, for that matter!).
 
I will be strong, and I will leave.  And I already know that I will have to roll thru my own 'Kokomo' ...

2 comments:

toonguykc said...

At least isn't the Beach Boys version of "Kokamo"...that song makes me (more) violent.

Russ

lv2trnscrb said...

I hadn't heard that song before, Mark; interesting lyrics

I definitely agree, it is time to move on from Mookie, close that chapter as you are doing and see what life has left to offer you

betty