Tuesday, March 4, 2008

... this is going to be a theme for a while ...

NOW FOR THE HARD PART

... at least for me.  I am looking at my personal effects, and wondering how I am going to organize things.  A bunch of the clothes I do plan on donating ... *sigh* so would rather not be doing this ...

EAGLE IN YOUR MIND

I know that I can do this, not a doubt at all.  Drumming up the requisite WILL is another thing.  My stomach is knotted up, at the size of the task.  Though I don't use the 'tag' system, I have spoke of how attached I am to my health care providers and, of this being an act of penance.  That isn't some sort of coping mechanism, but for real.  My BFF would confirm that I mentioned this some six or seven years ago.

So Mookie isn't the only one relieved.

Sitting here, staring into the screen with my stomach ACTUALLY knotting and unknotting, I wonder if I should try to activate the web cam and take a picture.  That I can't figure it out isn't a reflection of my condition -- I have long joked that I am an analog guy in a digital world!  The basement is a mess, and I don't think it would translate well photographed.

WHO HAVE I BEEN TALKING TO ..?

Not directing that to anyone but myself.  I have always written to myself almost as if I was an interested, intent observer of my own life.  I have always wondered if that was healthy.

Both my brother and I created intricate, involved, make believe worlds where we would assume different characters, different lives.  We also would choose and object to focus on, much like Linus and his security blanket.  For me, it was a simple sock, one that I would sleep with from 5th grade until AIT in the military, where I finally lost it.  For my brother, it is any random gathering of shoe strings and he would call it it, 'Daphne'!

Right now, I don't know who to be.  Who do I need to be.

THE DREADED FIRST STEP

When Mookie left for work, she seemed lighter ... part of me is happy for her, and that is the most of me ... yes, there is a small, but EXTREMELY vocal minority that isn't as cool with this as the rest, but the will keep.  After all, who is going to do the heavy lifting.

Though I am sure that there will be something left behind of mine, I would like it very much if no such reminder remain.  I do plan on erasing her from my thought, beginning the INSTANT I leave for the last time.  I mean, if you have given your all, and it doesn't carry the day, is there anything to replay?

Last night my friend asked if I would consider my first wife again, because I reference her so often.  Well, if we didn't have a daughter together, then I wouldn't have to think of her!  Second, she serves as an 'anchor' so that I can properly place things in the timeline of my life.  There is no doubt that we will see each other more frequently, but I don't think my Father would like her coming around.  Unlike my Mother, HE didn't have a kind view of her.

Dealing with the bureacracy is what causes most of my REAL worries.  The State of Michigan is going through so much, and the inefficency of the goverment has me worried.  After this entry, I plan on emailing my case worker and finding out what I need to do.

I feel like that guy in the movie 'Airplane' ... it looked like it was a bad time for him to quit everything ..!

1 comment:

lv2trnscrb said...

change is always difficult no matter how much we look forward to the change; all that is required for a move in any circumstance is challenging and seems daunting at times; lots of lists and realizing it will take time will accomplish your goals you will set :)

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