... easy like Sunday morning

RESIGNATION STATION

I wonder if I should run today … it is supposed to start raining this morning. I could get out RIGHT NOW, but I don’t like running in the dark on the ice. It isn’t like I don’t have enough problems without stepping on unseen ice!

Mookie said something interesting last night -- sometimes I just want you to hold me. Freaking weird. In lieu of the ’old in and out’, just to hold me. I had LONG AGO told her that I yearn for the closeness of her, and that intimacy doesn’t mean getting naked and sweaty. Still thinking on ‘go ahead’. Why close the barn door NOW, the horse and the cow is looong gone (not to mention all them chickens!).

There was this one chick who would read this stuff, and she got superheated with me. I didn’t know the protocol, and I emailed her, seeking clarification about some of what she was saying. The she got KUNG FU MEGA heated with me. Don’t know if she peeks in and just doesn’t say anything or not, but I felt a loss when she decided not to read. See, I invite criticism, because I REALLY want to get this right, my life that is. As to this thing with me and Mookie … it is like what one reader said about renewing old relationship … time does so much between the ‘then and gone’ to the ‘here and now’. Still, I am thinking that I have met this person, and somehow she’ll turn up. Anyway …

THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!

Yes Virginia, it is indeed true. I am THAT GUY. Never pretended that I wasn’t. In fact, the thinking here goes, I am ‘paying my debts’ and from here I can go on and operate like I assume everyone else does …

I don’t think I would have done the ‘Dobie Gillis’ thing if my first wife hadn’t been such a puncher. My previous LBGF, I struggle with trying to remember what caused our split. Since my best sister also doesn’t remember why that relationship ended, only reinforces what I thought -- it was over nothing.

Can it be that I took things for granted when I had love in my hands? That precious, rare gem, could it have been that in my cocksure way, that I was too reckless with it? That is what it may be looking like … even I always thought that this would be the end of those ‘stray cats’ that just were on the prowl. I just never thought it would be me.

SELF-FLAGGELATION … SO NOT MY STYLE ..!

Should say here that this is all about altering my style, my approach, ultimately my life. Review is hard, especially if you aren’t going to be honest … harder still if you want to pretend that you are ‘this’ when your heart knows you are ‘that’.

For one, Nebraska brought up a point that others have discussed with me before, of finding someone that I am more ‘in-tune’ with from the jump. See, I have never allowed for ‘cultural differences’ to matter with me. I have dated sister girls who bump and grind with R. Kelly to those who like sitting at Jon Luc-Ponty concerts. I have always thought that be limiting my self by such simple observations were a cheat, that perhaps that I was missing out on something that was possible. There is something to that … there has ALWAYS been something to that. Dealing with Mookie has been as frustrating a proposition as hypnotizing chickens. It isn’t going to happen, of that I am convinced.

… so when you say, ‘It’s gonna happen now ?’

… well, when exactly do you mean? And now you see why I believe you need to possess and inordinate (now, that is a good word there … at least I THINK so ..!) supply of optimism. Change, even great change takes place over a matter of small degrees. From our diets, trying to lose weight and having those around us scoff and continue to put challenges in front of us, to our changes in character and deportment … how many times have we said that we are going to be something new, only to have those hopes dashed the first time we drink too much at a party?

Me, I have ALWAYS been able to shake that crap off. The things that I can’t be or do from my childhood, well, too bad for that. Focus is always on what I can be, what there is left for me to do. One of the things that has me a little impatient, is that I want to be somewhere stable, where I can go to a community college and take a couple of classes. I want to cook better, so I would take some sortof cooking course. And I want to write better … I might have Mookie make an appointment for me with lil’ Mook’s optometrist … trying to catch up on my reading is rough …

Finally … ‘Bubba Ho-Tep’ … couldn’t hold ME … don’t think it would hold YOU either … if you’ve missed it, good thing for you!