... subject ... I don't need no stinkin' subject ..!

Prologue: It was suggested that I do a little something for the Super Bowl despite my misgivings … couldn’t manifest enough of myself to do it … will do a ‘Sparty Party’ when State makes the basketball tournament … now, on with the show …

Eli Stone

Did anyone else watch that wonderful show with me? Ooh, I hope someone did! I was feelin’ all of it. From the doubts about the theological meaning, to the coming to terms with how his father behaved, I was like all of that. In fact, I had an ‘Eli Stone’ kind of start to my day.

Went for a run, in the neighborhood of three miles. Showered and got my gear together. I had several errands to run, and I didn’t want to trouble anyone. Practicing doing stuff on my own has become paramount given the possible course changes in my life.

I made the choice to ride secondary bike in the street. We have bike lanes and the traffic is very polite by any standards. Still, I don’t take many chances, but with the snow not being clear/melted, the walkways held a different kind of risk. So I asked Blanche DuBois to ride with me, and away we went!

Riding in the snow, trying not to think about fading into traffic put me back to when I loaded up a small Chevy Monza and jumped on I-75 trying to beat an approaching snow storm going back to school in Carolina. That, didn’t happen and my little car was stuffed! It was a four-speed, and my puddle jumper wasn’t capable of speed exceeding 75 mph. But it had a decent stereo and I had plenty of music. So I kissed my Mom and rushed out the door at night.

What sometimes, the ignorance of our youth can amaze you when you grow older … especially when you get lucky enough to survive and manage TO grow older.

The snow caught me just outside of Toledo. I had a loong ride left to me. I still thought I could make it through the accumulation and ride out of the storm. So I pressed on. But man, was I wrong! The storm caught me and was not kidding around. I edged my way down the highway, mostly alone with the 18-wheelers for company. THEY weren’t faded at all. What was sooo important to make me risk so much to get back into school

DEEPER AND DEEPER

My car was so stuffed, that I couldn’t get to my home made mix tapes. I left with a cassette single of Madonna’s ‘Deeper and Deeper’ to listen to for THE ENTIRE TRIP. After all, it was the reason I wanted to make it back toschool.

I had met My Delta Girl during the school year. She went to another college in town and I saw her while I was at work at the mall. My roomie in the underground and I had just been talking about what was up with women. I told him the kind of girl I was hoping to discover, and BAM!, into my life came the Delta Girl, my hope in the flesh.

… and yes, for me that is HOW IT HAS ALWAYS WORKED … that is why I accept responsibility for not having things come out differently for me … I have received what I have asked for … and I am careful about asking for things.

Anyway, that she was only ‘kinda sorta’ feeling me, and I would learn that one of the cats she had interested in her was a BIG CAT who played football wasn’t my problem. My problem was that I was supposed to get back to Carolina, because as Madonna would sing, ‘I can’t help falling deeper and deeper the further I go’.

PANIC

After she graduated and we decided to get our lives together, I moved with her to the little town where she was teaching. I went to a nearby college and we were happy. Very much so.

One day, I was sitting around listening to the Smiths, singing along with Moz, when she asked me, “Why do you like that gay song?” Now, I wasn’t perturbed by her comment, as she and I had a long and thorough conversation about the subject when we were dating in school. But I did reflect upon the lyrics differently for a moment. Maybe IT was talking about a homosexual cat trying to avoid being pummeled. To me, it was an anthem to general alienation, and finally finding your group to hang with. She may have been correct, but I shrugged my shoulder. I didn’t care, because ‘ the music they constantly play … it says nothing to me about my life’! Whatever it meant to whoever didn’t change what it meant to me not one bit!

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

‘All men have secrets in life so let it be known …’

Sing it, sing it Morrissey! Sing my life!

There is only one other song in my life that like ‘Deeper and Deeper’ that is an intimate connection with another person in my life. Now, My Delta Girl was a wonderful person, and is one of the few ‘do overs’ I have in my life. I do wish that I had maximized our relationship. The other person who touched me so … well …

But now let’s get into the process of my thinking. Doing it by music, is a lot easier of talking about how ‘The Divine Comedy’ registered or what ‘1984’ means to me. Plus, it is more fun and I get to listen to the songs as I go! The Smith’s ‘What Difference Does It Make’, is a song that describes how it is in my mind, with relationships. I make the choice to commit and will give all of myself to a person, and I don’t believe in shame, when it comes to loving a someone.

There IS a limit, and I think that this song is about someone who reaches then end and how he goes through the break up. That he is ‘still fond’ of this person, says to me that it is alright to still care and feel for someone, but once you have told yourself you have done all that you can, then stop and cry in the bathroom alone in the house, dry your eyes and begin to pack …

SLEDGEHAMMER

I want to be your sledgehammer
why don't you call my name
you'd better call the sledgehammer
put your mind at rest
I'm going to be-the sledgehammer
this can be my testimony
I'm your sledgehammer
let there be no doubt about it

… uh really, with lyrics like that it is pretty much obvious how I feel it is to have me as your partner. There isn’t too many places I do let my ego roam freely, but when it comes to love and loving someone, hey, loving can be an art …

This is what I would ask someone who would pursue a relationship with me. To let me be their Sledgehammer. I saw somewhere, a quote by Paulo Coehlo (and if you don’t know him, read the book, ‘The Alchemist’ and you can say you do) “To find your destiny is a persons only obligation.”

Though everyone is a complex person, I have found some of the odd cuts and rounded edges leave me out of most puzzles. It is FAR EASIER for me to ask for the room only for the things that I do hold dear, and make YOU right all the time. I do sincerely believe that is why some of the girls end up wondering what they gave up when things come to an end. For me, being in a relationship is about making it about them and not about me. Their happiness is my happiness. Works for me.

As I have matured, I do wonder about that. There are two common threads to my relationships. Being taken for granted and just me in general. Either I am NOT all that, or people take me for granted.

So I am NOT going to manifest to make someone else have a nice time, because it won’t make ME feel anything. But I am going to through a NCAA party, because I will be feeling that …