Friday, February 1, 2008

... the restorative powers of ...

… of positive thinking …

Woke up on the couch this morning … that is not unusal in and of itself … that is SHOULD BE is what is peculiar about it.

It snowed here in the wee hours, and it is a show day. There was about 3” on the ground with a steady snow still falling when I woke up. I think the forecasts call from 4” to 6” for the day. I went out and got on top of the shoveling. Living in a cooperative town home community means there is just a porch and a short walkway, the grounds staff does all the big stuff. I get it done, then I clear around Mookie’s car and brush the powder off of it.

Sleeping on the couch chafes me (hey, that is a pun, ain’t it?). I can’t come to grips with this being an acceptable function in a relationship that I am a part of.

THE THINGS WE KNOW WE DON’T KNOW …

I could feel a sadness coming on, quiet like the falling snow, coming out to make itself at home in my mind. But I made what has proven to be a prescient choice - I walked to QD.

This past summer I bought a single ski pole for a dollar at a garage sale. I use it to walk with, but this was the first time I used it to walk in the snow. Like a child, I wanted to go out into the snow, just to walk with it. Didn’t matter that it did not significantly improve anything, it was just that I was out in the snow, walking with a ski pole!

From thinking about my C- relationship, I found myself in appreciation of the beauty of the snowfall. I started thinking about how as I traveled the country operating out of the ‘run ‘n shoot’ offense, how during the winter months, I would find myself missing the snow. Michigan really is a ‘winter wonderland’, and the beauty of the snow, a soft white blanket of purity that covering the flaws and blemishes of the earth …

And I just thought my way back to earth. I figure to do some ‘floor work’ as far as fitness … and some ‘up and downs’ too. I am going to finish reading the Clarence Thomas book (I got it from the library after being on the list) and I will pick it up from where I left off. Got a couple of good movies and the Super Bowl to help me through the weekend.

FIGHTING THROUGH THAT …

… and that is what it is all about for me. There is more than enough to trouble a person without them troubling themselves. Bobby McFerrin’s song made a point, and it is true. I will myself to come back to where I can operate from with clear eyes.

If you know what you want, if you have an idea of what you are worth, why don’t you believe it? That is what I ask myself when ‘IT’ rises, that nameless feeling that bring all those feelings and emotions that creases the heart. Sometimes you just have to believe that it is going to happen and that you are worth it. The only certain thing is that if you don’t, the world never will.

My starter wife never could grasp that concept. She had a lot of strife in her spiritually that I couldn’t untangle for her. That helped me to learn that I can only help someone do it … the heavy lifting is on them. As for me, while I will accept help and am not to proud to ask for it, I feel that I was given wide shoulders to be strong, for myself and for others.

So that is what I am trying do. Be who I am.

2 comments:

rdautumnsage said...

Wonderful insight hon. Sometimes when feelings of sadness and questioning the why arise, we find more answers the deeper we go. As long as you remember it's your choice how deep and you realize, you still retain the choice to lift yourself up out of that mood as well. I embrace it all, for the sadness reminds me life can indeed be unfair, the wondering outlook-hope reminds me it can change and be something more.

A few years ago I was asked to believe in a higher power in AA... I'm not exactly the Christian God type of believer so that almost stalled out for me there. Until I was told your higher power is whatever you choose it to be. My higher power was envisioning myself as I wanted to be clean and sober, without a bruise to show for whatever relationship I was in.....Today I'm that person and I continue to see the new improved me each day and aim to be that person. (Hugs) Indigo

mpnaz58 said...

I'm guessing the couch wasn't by choice?  Being out in nature, snow, rain, the desert is a connection to our spiritualty.  We can't control nature, the weather, it just is.  Sometimes thats what we have to do, just be.
xoxo ~Myra