Thursday, February 28, 2008

Floating MY boat

… or is because we’re happy that we sing

When I first started this thing, I had no idea that I would end up writing so much. At first, it was just a place to gather my thoughts when this relationship started to go to the next phase (whatever that is) of commitment. I had to cease and desist all contact with ‘non-essential’ personnel, and the town I am in, I have never really ‘seen’ other women.

So figuring that I wouldn’t have my ‘usual distractions’, I could flat out see what would happen when I commit to that one someone. I had some success before, but would always have that key turnover late in the game. Not always ‘stepping out’, but something or the other would occur. It is worth noting that neither my best sister or I could recall what happened between me and my LBGF, because I am sure what ever it was, it was not only ‘relatively small’, but just small as in it would be insignificant in ANY relationship.

In a sense, I am making my last stand. As far as indignities go, Sade sang, “Love Is Stronger Than Pride”, and I know it is. I figured I would stick this out, until I absolutely can’t take anymore.

Now this is a blade that cuts both ways. Mookie and I used to date when we were younger, before life got in our way. She did miss out on all the super cool times, and caught the latent fumes of my boxing career. We will never know what would have become of our ‘young love’ had I given it a chance to flourish. That we have daughters that share a name is indicative of how much we once meant to each other (Nixxie was cool with it; I picked the name and didn’t know if Mookie had actually used it anyway; the other name I had, McCathorn, not so much!). Or so goes my reasoning.

Since everyone knew it but me, she gets plenty of points for going on and pursuing a relationship with me, because I would gather she noticed ‘things’ before I did. So I give her much props for that.

But, it doesn’t mean that I have to accept ‘less than love’, love. That isn’t going to cut it, and I won’t stand for it. In my mind’s eye, I see myself marching to the Hot Gates to stand against the advancing Persians, I still remember as a child pushing back the Germans in Belgium or liberating islands from the Japanese in the Pacific theatre. Plus, I still have my books (and when I go to an optometrist to get some glasses, I will read even more!) and the odd things that I have just kept for no other reason than I wanted to keep them.

Have not a doubt that I will be alright.

DIDN’T SAY IT WOULD BE EASY

When I left for Chicago last November, I had a ‘trial run’, a trip to visit my friend Hutch who lives in a suburb of Detroit. He remarked at how difficult it was to get me out of the house. I spent 4 days there, and hardly left at all, save to go eat and get my daily newspaper. Noted and taken under advisement. So if I talk about my ‘extra time’, that is why. When I say I had no idea of what was going to happen, I don’t just mean what would happen if Nebraska’s destiny was to be the lead story on the news in Chicagoland … I wasn’t sure if it wasn’t MY destiny.

So she gets much props for putting up with me. For me to feel comfortable enough to go outside with her, when I had apparently so much latent anxiety in me, was just HUGE. That I felt comfortable enough around her to let her take me out, even HUGER. We almost had that ‘lead story’ moment, downtown at a winter festival. She said the kid wasn’t that close to her, but he was running too close FOR ME. Now, when you know what to do, it doesn’t take much to crack someone out, but I trusted her judgment enough to ‘stand down’.

She made the comment that ‘people don’t fight with fists nowadays’, but like William Munny, I have found myself lucky when it comes to cracking people. But I trusted her enough not to try to beat up everyone in downtown Chicago (which is what I would have tried to do ..!)

Don’t mind that we ‘scored’ the trip differently. I have gotten WORSE reviews before, and shrugged them off. Besides, she is just good people, and I don’t know enough of those. I have also gotten better ones(reviews that is), so it balances out.

ANOTHER CALVIN AND HOBBES REFENCE

Can’t remember another strip ever meaning as much to people, let alone to me as that one. I was in North Carolina, in Greensboro when that one ended. I still have the color picture from the Greensboro Observer Sunday comics, of the last Calvin ‘n Hobbes … the image of a blanket of snow, covering everything in the nearby woods making everything seem ‘new’ and awaiting discovery.

That is how I see my ‘post-Mookie’ life. I don’t have any major regrets … will wonder about lil’ Mook though. But those are the consequences for everyone in a situation like this. I don’t know if marriage would have helped things or not, but that is something that will linger. One comment asked me about what is going to happen between me and lil’ Mook … I don’t know.

It is a little ways away because there are some MUST DO things along with saving money. Dealing with the government bureaucracy is a headache waiting to happen, and then I still have other hurdles to clear.

‘Do we sing because we are happy or are we happy because we sing?’ Can’t recall who said that to me, but I know it was during my Jean-Paul Sartre days. See, I pursue the things that I like most when I am really happy. I am going to go to the teacher’s supply store and check a used book store for some high school level math books … and I am on here, doing the typing tests and of course, journaling. Trying to learn stuff is something that makes me happy …

… or am I happy because that is what I do?

2 comments:

abaleman666 said...

thanks for stopping by the rant.

yes its detroit, havent been to shelter show in ages (oct maybe) and the viva hate is a trifecta reference now (morrisey, eric allen from unbroken, rainer maria).

good luck to you in all your pursuits.

rdautumnsage said...

I see you met Alaina below. She's an extremely smart cookie (said in a loving way) and a good friend of mine. I think in the end it's pursuit of happiness...We do what we need to , to find our place and joy in the world. In order to do that, most usually we pursue a few different avenues to find just what that is. Took me awhile to discover writing was mine. It doesn't necessarily matter how good it is, rather the joy I find in pursuing where it can go. (Hugs) Indigo