Friday, January 25, 2008

Sometimes life is like that thing Martin Amis said ...

“… a hellish pit full of sad little bits of cardboard, twisted pieces of paper, and flecks of tobacco.”

I can’t find my wristwatch. It has been missing since Wednesday, and it bothers me. I KNOW that I had it and I also remember taking it off. But it isn’t where it is supposed to be. Grr.

Lil’ Mook has the flu. Yesterday, she didn’t eat her breakfast when I gave her the dose of medicine, and she had bad dreams. She called for her Mom and Mookie came home. Bad dreams and all that good stuff. I tried to calm her as best as I knew how, by rubbing her, holding her, and rocking her. I did for her what I would have done for Skye, Lexxie, or KT … in fact, I did for Skye and KT once or twice.

KNOCKED UP

Some fellas, coming from single parent homes where the Mom is the primary caregiver, make certain that whatever they do, they are walking the line with their children. Others still, just get ghost. KT’s stepfather is the former, as he treats her as his very own, even with his divorce from Nixxie. Me and lil’ Mook, we aren’t as lucky. Don’t know if ‘never’ is accurate, but by all reports neither of us has even laid eyes on our father.

And by all reports, neither of us has ever asked about either of them.

What did I think, growing up about being a parent? I never recall it entering my conscious mind. So when it happened, I didn’t know what it meant. Oh, being the older brother I’d like to think I knew what to do, from making formula to staying up late. But what it meant, I never really thought about it. If I had, then perhaps my sibs and I would have been tighter, I would have also stopped with Skye and we’d be super cool. But I never did.

I tell both Nixxie and Pecan Sandie that I love them whenever I communicate with them. The reason is, as I have finally matured, I can see and greatly appreciate the lengths that they have gone thru to keep me active with our girls. It isn’t like we are strangers, and big picture, I don’t have much direct influence in their lives. But we do have a relationship KT, Lexxie and I. And there is a BIGGER PICTURE to all of this. And I am sure we are all better off. Skye on the other hand, our relationship is strained, and that is more due to HER Mother. That is a different kind of entry, so that is for a different time. Because …

… I wonder what kind of full time Father I would have made. I see pieces of myself in my girls and I have been on the scene long enough to catch a glimpse of my influence in lil’ Mook. I have begun to wonder, why I didn’t feel that natural instinct when I had my first girl. It isn’t that I wanted a son as I have only thought of girls names whenever I would have those kind of conversations - in fact, lil’ Mook and KT share part of their name as they came from the same mind - mine.

AND A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS …

… and here they are … MY SHOES … now you go walk in them.

I know that the ‘welfare queen’ is the image that many people have when they think of the folks on public assistance. The single black mother, undereducated, sleeping with transient men and having babies that grow up to contribute even more hardship on society.

That the men, the brothers, are allowed to get away with not raising their children, is frowned on but frowns don’t really constitute government policy.

When I made KT, I sat and talked with Nixxie. There were a lot of factors going on in my life that made it unwise for me to remain in Carolina at the time. So we made an agreement. I would come back to Carolina and visit KT and when she got to be about 6 or 7, she can come to Detroit. We spit and shook hands. As to Lexxie and Pecan Sandie, well if I had THOUGHT I would do any different, I would have been sadly mistaken! They take the time to provide a place for me in their lives, and I try to do my best to fill it. It is what it is. Again, Skye is a story unto itself.

When I think of voiceless segments to society, I think about the cats that would be a part of their children’s lives but worry about all the non-essential things that affect the relationship. Sure money plays a part of it, but so does public perception. Not to mention the frayed relationship at the center of it, with the other parent. No, it isn’t pleasant thinking of cats like this, cats like me, as human too. But just as it is unfair to call someone a ‘hillbilly’ because they are from Kentucky, or a young woman in a mini skirt a ‘hoochie’, I KNOW it isn’t fair to lump all the ‘not there’ father’s in one pile.

I am not like lil’ Mook’s dad … I am not like MY dad …

Yep, I am smiling and I don’t care what anyone says about it!

4 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

insightful entry; I was raised without a father because my dad died when I was 17 months old, leaving my mom a widow at 38 years old with a 5 y/o, 3 y/o and me at 17 months old. I missed having a father, but I didn't know what a father was supposed to do because I don't have memories of my dad. I saw what other fathers did with their kids and that I missed. In turn when I got married and we raised our kids, it was difficult to allow my husband to father because I was so used to being raised as a single parent and it was hard to relinguish the role to dual parenting because single parenting was all I knew. I made my share of mistakes and then some. I think whatever the balance is for all involved works for each individual situation and no two situations are the same. I'm glad you have found that balance in your relationships with your children; some people never do.

enjoy the day

betty

lisa41076 said...

Mark, my dad and I do'nt have a relationship , Trust me it's better that way but the pain runs deep, Hugs Lisa

toonguykc said...

...and sometimes there are those of us who had live-in dads that didn't seem to like us much.  All types of families have rips at the seems...some are smaller than others.

R

rdautumnsage said...

I had the Dad that was aware of my existance yet still abandoned me, the step-father wanna be dad that should of had his hands cut off and been hanged for all the worth he was....A mother that never wanted nor cared....

Yet I am not a perfect mother, just one who keeps it real and still tries to be the best I can be for my one and only daughter. I never bashed her father, or tended to the wounds of words or actions he gave without consideration in front of her. Children are smarter than we give them credit for, in time they learn the truth for themselves without having to have it spoon fed to them. My daughter at 19 is finally understanding her father and she gets it....

Anyone can wear the name Mother and Father. It's a separte breed of personality that actually cares and takes to the role. You don't have to be the natural reason for a child being there....just the one who cares. (Hugs) Indigo