Scriptures in the wasteland ...

That almost became the title of my journal.  When I first started with this mess, I WAS a mess.  Getting used to being fractured <at the time I started, I wasn't diagnosed>, adjusting to a new relationship with Mookie, being filled with uncertainties.  I figured that I would keep a diary out here, betting that the odds were with me that no one of any immediate consequence would look for me out here.

It took awhile before I felt 'settled'.  I owe a large part to my therapist.  It isn't that I like him more than our professional relationship would allow, but I have noticed the progress personally.  My world view is back on line, and I am once again comfortable with being who and what I am.

Just like I count all victories, large or small, I want to be more appreiciative of what postively impacts my life.  This way, I won't be at a loss straight away if either stops occurring.  From my friendships both online and in the real world, I hope that each person that I know, is aware of their meaning to me.

Now this seems to be unique, in that it is easier to find people that want to let life be harsh to them.  It doesn't have to be.  I know.  My life has been one adventure, and just like any adventure, you have to go through the downs to get anything out of the ups.  Faced my challenges, and lost bunches of them.  But I ask, what are you going to do?  I am not going to be the high school football star, and it is unlikely <in theory ... totally out of the question ..? still alive, that means there is still a chance ..!> that I will win a Nobel Prize. 

There are a lot of people who have to face this kind of sobering reality of their lives.  I just want to know 'what are you going to do?'.  Sports as a metaphor for life isn't too simple, but it is too accurate.  They watch how teams of men, united in purpose, struggle against better prepared, better skilled opponents without seeing the life lessons on display.  That is why I use them, because they are clear and easily identifible.  If I were to explain why I call my period during the mid-20's to the mid -30's, the 'run and shoot era', I think you would be able to grasp that easier than me trying to untangle the gordian knot that is my relationship life.

I have never, NEVER let go of my dreams.  That they did not happen or unfold the way that I had hoped, well that is on me.  What was the requirement for them to happen, I didn't fulfill.  Not me, not the man, not my Mom, not anything other than me.

Right now, I am in the midst of changing the direction of my life.  It is going to be a process, and that is something most people who want change in their lives fail to account for.  The thinking that brought you to your problem, is not the thinking that will get you out of it.  Simple enough, but I am surprised when I hear the excuses people make.

When I look at people asking for change, I want to ask them what are they going to give up, in order to change.  To me, change requires that you give up something, or at the very least, de-prioritize something, for the new what's happening to have room to operate in your life.

This takes for some honest introspection.  Not to get frozen by it, letting the weight of regrets slow you down, but to establish what direction you want to set out for.  Kind of hard to get to where you want to be, without knowing where you are at, to start.

With change, you have to be patient.  The work that is done to make change isn't too different from the effort of the duck on the open lake ... calm and at ease on the surface, but beneath it, paddling away furiously.

With change, you have to be optimistic.  YOU MUST be optimistic.  How else can you hope for the positive, when you aren't THINKING positive?  I think that if you want your dreams to come true, you have to expect them to be true.

People say that kind of outlook isn't real.  I beg to differ.  It is no coincidence that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.  I consider what many mistake for 'reality' as the default setting.  Meaning that once you get down to it, you have either this way, that way, or stand there and do nothing.  Doing nothing is the 'default', because you have a pretty good idea what will happen doing nothing.

That you have decided you aren't going to do 'nothing', you make your choice and since you want something to happen, believe in it.  Believe in the things you hope for and let them propell your actions.  I think people don't want to be positive, because it does take work and effort.  So a lot of folks would rather go with the 'default' and just do whatever about stuff.

Not me.  I am smarter than that.  I will work it out.