Wednesday, January 23, 2008

... have you run your checks ..?

Last night, the actor Heath Ledger was found after transition.  It seems that there may have been medication involved.  He left at 28.

Not going to get into what it says to the world, just going to make sense of it for ME.  The first thing I began to do when I heard about it, was to 'run my checks'.  The idea of 'running checks', is something carried over from my boxing.  It means probing to see what is available, what works and is working.  It functions here as to gauging my life and my outlook on it as well as myself.

This is something that I do whenever I hear of this kind of tragedy.  Like I have said, this is about how this kind of thing relates to me, and what I need to do to make sure that I don't find myself staring into it ... and hearing voices calling out to me.

Happy to report everything came back more than just fine.  Since the possibility of what called Heath, whether it was carelessness or the voice of an agonized inner spirit, I have always wondered if there doesn't lurk something in me that would be a siren ...

... and you know what sirens do to sailors, right?

No, I don't go around identifying with this sort of thing.  But it makes as much rational sense as owning a gun, even though the chances of you DYING by gun increases more than the chance you would actually use it to defend yourself.  So don't you judge me!

But I remember when I implemented this personal system, when a media figure, did affect me.  Kurt Cobain.

I had purchased the Nirvana CD 'Insecticide' during a boxing trip to the Pacific Northwest.  It was 'aiight', nothing super special.  But we know what happened when they dropped 'Nevermind' on the world.  They blew up!

I listened to 'Insecticide' again, to see if it portended more than what I heard the first time.  I couple of the lyrics grabbed me more, and as the bands story spread, I found more similarities with Kurt Cobain than a few.

Though I never would call myself a tortured soul, I do think we all have dark areas of the soul.  What inhabits these places, varies from person to person, as does how we deal with them.  Me, I take mine to lunch on occasion, and catch up withthem.  What you do is what you do.

I think Kurt dealt with his thru his music.

From outsider to idol, the swift ascension was, I think, too great for him, and he kind of caught the bends as he rose.  I don't think that coming home to Courtney Love, who I think was to him, what people thought Yoko Ono was to John Lennon (and I think that Yoko was actually good for John ... and isn't that what matters ..?).  And that is being polite.  I really think she was a scheming opportunist, that when she saw his rising (after 'Insecticide', Nirvana started to warm up, IMO), she latched on, pretending to fill the needs he had ...

... but she didn't ... other wise, I think he'd be here, still.

I think his success was a bittersweet one, with more bitter than the sweet.  What it cost him, I don't think he was expecting to have to pay that.  What it got him, he never really wanted anyway, so what did that mean?  And as far as turning to Courtney ...

...what was the name of that song Nirvana had ..? oh, I have it right here ... "I Hate Myself And I Want To Die" ...

So gaining widespread success and riches didn't ease the demons, the agony that he lived through.  So he made the leap.

I put him in a special place ... for some reason, I DID identify with him.  He should have had all that he wanted, but to me, it seemed just as obvious that he didn't.  And I would find out, by my own bleak journey to the sea of oblivion ... that I needed to find some sort of mechanism to anchor me ...

... so I would put myself in a boxing ring ... and I would run my checks, to see if what I saw was there, where I could probe ... and do what it is that I do.  Though the Cobain association wasn't Hearns - Leonard in its scope, it did make me more aware that other things dwelled in the dark corners of my own mind ...

 

5 comments:

malagutigrrl said...

I have sort of a weird obsession with dead Celebrities.  I wouldn't have known a Nirvana song if I'da fell over one.  I didn't know who Kurt Cobain was when the announcement first came on.  But was stuck to the TV... and the next day I went out and bought every Nirvana CD in existance.  
I saw Heath in Brokeback Mountain and loved him in it.  Other than that I caught him in a movie more or less by chance (he happened to be in what I was watching).  Today I put his entire filmography on my Blockbuster queue.  
I'm 45 so I missed James Dean's life and never gave him a thought until I heard about his tragic car accident.  Now I can recite his lines from all three of his movies by heart.  
The list goes on... Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, JFK, RFK (god only knows why Grace Slick is still alive, but ok, I can wait for Jefferson Airplane).
I'm not sure what this means, but my friends don't think it's too healthy.  
I don't know.  I think it's just me being me.  I did, after all, make it to 45...

malagutigrrl said...

PS: I absolutely LOVE this journal.  Keep it up, dude.
:)
mj

mpnaz58 said...

Very well said...run my checks...I love that!  Makes sense...
xoxo ~Myra

lisa41076 said...

Mark, Heath was one of my favorites, I'll miss him, great entry, Hugs Lisa

rdautumnsage said...

Umm we're going into the gray areas of the tortured soul are we?....k, Truth of the matter is I recognize it and know it a little too well. It's a fine line and I've managed to jump off that ledge. A couple years of therapy after being on watch 24/7 make you re-think that logic.....I've always said once you find that edge it's a constant struggle of backpedaling away from it over and over again...

As we can see I managed to survive to cross over that bridge. I learned I could live in a world of silence after all.....but I do understand why some can't back pedal away from the edge anymore...Run my checks? Always and forevermore. One of the reasons I constantly introspect and cross those emotional bridges. Sane fits me so much better than insanities calling does. (Hugs) Indigo

http://journals.aol.com/rdautumnsage/ravens-lament/