Monday, January 28, 2008

... feelin' like I feel

... the weather report was either erroneous, or I got confused on the long range forecast, but the weather was good, so I rode to my therapy session, which went rather well and I manage to beat the rain ...
 
Seems like one of his patients is a young boy around 12, and he has plenty of other issues I am sure.  But there are many similarities, enough for my Doctor to think that it may help to have him talk to me a little bit.  I agreed, but I am a little nervous ... after all, I am NOT the professional!  But one of the things that is similar about us, is that he is being raised primarily by his Mother.  She divorced his dad back in the long ago, but has since remarried.  The step father would like a larger role, but she has him in the back ground.  The little boy has run the gamut from being bullied to becoming a bully.  So my Doctor thinks that coming from someone who has commonalities with this kid, my words could help out ...
 
... right.  I will do my best, but I am nervous in a nervous way about it.  Screwing up myself is one thing, but to screw up some kid is another thing entirely.  That leads me to ...
 
DEPENDING ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS ...
 
...yes, like Blanche duBois, I too depend on the kindness of strangers.  But not in the solely dependent way that she alludes to, and not due to my clinical diagnosis.  I have always measured what was going on in my life by my surroundings and the feedback that I would recieve almost as much as my own subjective take on things.  Nervous won't keep me from chatting with the kid, because other people with a vested interest seem to think that I could help him out.  I just have to relax, and be me.
 
One of the impressive things about meeting Nebraska was howcomfortable I felt with her.  I can handle most things, after all, I am Air Assualt qualified.  But for someone to make me FEEL that, means a great deal to me, and it isn't something to take for granted.  My first wife never made me feel it, but my last best girlfriend did.  Mookie used to have it, but she's put that on the shelf.
 
I have not really worried about it much, because I have tried to become a self-contained person.  Meaning that I don't want to look outside for any affirmation of who I am or acknowledgement for what I do.  I know what I am, and I know what it is I am doing.  My problem with Mookie Dee is that in a relationship, that some of what I do should translate into something.  That what I do here doesn't seem to carry the same value as it did elsewhere or what I expect, is fine ...
 
... I will just put it out on the market and see what it brings ...
 
... haven't quite reached that point yet.  But it did throw me off a little.  Not in a bad way, but I had to process things a little differently, like I had to do with the movie, "Fraility".  I will get it there, no doubt.
 
When I left, for some reason I was called to taking the bus home.  Don't know why.  I got on the first freight back into town from my appointment, where I sat across from two girls that go to Moo U.  One looked like how I would imagine Nebraska to look at her age.  I started to wonder what I would have done if I was back in school and saw her strolling around campus.  I dismissed it, as Moo U is super huge, and it is theortically possible that I would have never, ever seen her.  Besides, those were my 'run 'n shoot' days.  I had officially buried my insecurities with the fairer sex.  I would end up pulling Greeks as well as the local yolkels, and whatever was in between.  Fell in love with a Delta, KT's Mom is a Sigma, and AKA is STILL feeling me ..!
 
... if you can do it, it ain't braggin' ..!
 
Got downtown to the main terminal, where I see a girl who looks like HIGH SCHOOL Nebraska!  I never, ever think about approaching anyone, because I am not looking to meet someone new.  But I did want to say something to High School girl, because there were a couple of guys, late teens to early twenties, who were checking her out in THAT WAY.  It would have been a roll of the dice, but hey, Vegas isn't Vegas because a lot of winners hit their rolls, right. 
 
Did make me think of how tough it is for young girls though.  I have been lucky with my little ladies, but I had to tell KT this past summer about the birds and the bees ... her Mom thought it was time, so I did my best.  At first, she was a little reluctant.  She said her Dad (and no, I don't have a problem with sharing the honorific with Gunney Sgt. because that is what he is to her ... and she knows I am her dad too!) had talked to her about it, and that they had some class in school.  Okay then, I let it go for a few days, then I brought it up again.
 
CLINT EASTWOOD
One day we were alone, and I brought up the subject once again.  We were riding bikes to the YMCA for swimming classes.  She did the 'eyeroll' thing, complete with the 'I know already, Dad' ... That was when I stopped the bikes and snatched hers by the handlebars.  "Do you?" I said, eyes narrowing.  "Tell me about it."  She managed to give a textbook description about the birds and the bees and what smart girls do and polite boys should do and all that.
"So," I said.  "Is your Mother smart?"  She nodded.  "Well, since she asked me to talk to you, let me break it down for you on how YOU got here ..."
 
My Mom did let ME know some of her foibles.  Not all, as that was left up to me growing up and learning to discover.  Though I don't remember all the advice she gave me about the subject, I am sure it was given one way, not unlike the way KT was going to hear it from me ...
... In no uncertain terms.
 
It isn't easy telling your daughter that YOU are the guy that she is being warned about.  But I did.  I also told her that it meant that I won't ever be judgemental about what her choices are, and that of all the '... you can always come to me' that she will hear in her lifetime, that when I say 'you can always come to me about anything', that I meant it.
 
We'd eventually get back to 'discussing it' like we were two people, two good friends.  Don't know if it took, and may not ever learn that it makes a difference ... but that is the point.
 
I don't want to know if I am right as much as I want her to BE right.  As long as she feels in her heart that she is comfortable with sharing with me, that she feels that she can come to me about anything, that is a win in and of itself.
 
... still doesn't mean that I can help with this kid that is my Doctor's patient, but I do have a feeling that I won't mess up.

3 comments:

rdautumnsage said...

Trust me helping someone else banked on your own experience is a hard pill to swallow, but......experience says it all. You-I can tell it like it is and make it believable because we've actually traveled that road. I can't tell you the amount of women I've worked with in domestic violence shelters that start screaming at me you don't know what your talking about you can't possibly understand.....then I pull my pictures out of the archives and place them on the table in front of them. Tell the woman in those pictures wearing those bruises she doesn't know what your talking about.....harsh but they open up, because yes you do know.

We tend to hold back when it comes to helping someone else thinking, who am I , I screwed up so what right do I have to point this person in another direction. Because you know the reprecussions of your actions, and you DON'T want another human being to have to travel those same roads......I have faith in you hon, keep it real be yourself, your experiences in life your words will be enough.....

I'm the last person that I thought would make a difference to someone....If I can do it, I know without a doubt you can too....(Hugs) Indigo

lisa41076 said...

Mark, I have faith in you, you seem like a very caring person, Hugs Lisa

lv2trnscrb said...

I think the doctor knew you were capable to talking to this boy or he wouldn't have brought it up and approached you with it. I think he has trust in you and what you can share with the boy to potentially help him

betty