... on the edge of panic

… but I am feelin’ Public Enemy’s ‘By The Time I Get To Arizona’ …

A little bit of the anger that I am feeling seeped out last night … don’t want to pat myself on the back for keeping a tight leash on it. Because all it did was confirm what I has already been previously determined, that I can’t manage the salvage of this relationship, most definitely not alone.

My journal name is taken from a story in the anthology, ‘Breaking Ice’. The story was a science fiction tale, and it made its mark. “Stars, like grains of sand in my pocket”, brought to my mind the great many things that lie before us in life yet to be discovered as well as the great many things that we have at hand that we take for granted.

When I think back to all the things that I have experienced, the moments in lives I have been a part of, I can only smile with satisfaction. I don’t have a lot of details, but I know that I did appreciate many of the shared moments. Had I been in a strong relationship when I was doing my thing, I think that I would have accomplished more. Reason that I say that, is because that is how I work. I do what I like for me, to my satisfaction. But being part of something larger than myself, I will strive to reach all of my potential.

It’s weird writing that … BELIVING THAT … I don’t think that is how man is meant to be. Self-preservation and all that, you know. When I have to really think of my own needs and be ‘selfish’, I don’t have the same motivation. I enjoyed being a big brother, and I know that I went to the Army because I felt SOMEONE had to do the job of being the extension of national policy … even if I didn’t like or agree with the policy makers. For me, it came down to a preference for McDonald’s … I like the way the world is, and someone had to make sure that it remained status quo.

That was when I really noticed that was how I was cut. Being part of something larger was my calling, and I had never really questioned it until now. I want to re-read Ayn Rand’s ‘Virtue of Selfishness’. I only have the most basic understanding of her philosophy, ‘Objectivism’, but I am going to take another swing at it again. I want to be able to just look out for me, and let the chips fall where they may.

Getting up and getting out to pick up the Free Press, I figured I would go to Meijer’s and get it, because it would only cost a dollar, and I want to really try to cut costs where I can. Got on the bike andhad to ride in the street. Normally I ride on the sidewalk, an aside to my issues. I don’t drive, and I try not to take any preventable risks.

We have bike lanes, and this is really one of the more pedestrian-friendly places I have been. So I did get into the bike lane and rode to the store. They didn’t have any Freep’s which through me for a bit. I couldn’t really remember what else I wanted to look for since I was up there … that isn’t my condition alone, at least not to me. My failing relationship drives me to distraction, and it only, ONLY certifies how much trouble this thing is in for me.

The most important aspect of my being is in disarray. Would it matter if I was ‘on point’? I remember how I felt when my first marriage started to seize up. Making comparisons to that time alone, is enough for me to look for a way out.

Call of the West

Tomorrow is the first day of my quarterly work out routine. I will list my daily routine tomorrow, prolly when I go to the library. I stopped at a GNC yesterday, and chatted the clerk up. Even though I give the appearance of being fit, by the BMI index, I am not. Personally, I don’t I am in the shape I would like to be in. So that is why I am going to be more focused on my conditioning.

I will list the routine tomorrow, prolly when I go to the library. Tonight is another film night, ‘To Catch A Thief’, with Cary Grant and Grace Kelly. This is being scheduled as a private screening. I don’t like having my tastes insulted.