I get up early most every morning. Usually during the week, when Mookie Dee get up to ready herself and lil' Mook for work and school, I repair to the basement, to let them dress in comfort. lil' Mook is actually not that little, and at 13 she has a figure on her. So I make SURE that I steer as far away from her as I can. In fact, I make sure that I always have a shirt on myself. Just something to keep me sharp and safe.
So early morning entries aren't the exception. In fact I have been awake for at least an hour already! My sleep is uneasy here ... the best sleeping that I have done was in November when I was in Chicago ... and I know why that was, if no one else understands.
Listening to 'Speaking of Faith' on NPR, the conversation is with Jim Wallace, who is part of the evangelical movement in public policy <I guess ... wasn't fully into the program>. Like many people, I am not 'front to back' with my knowledge of the Bible. But one of the lines, the one about 'faith of a mustard seed' was spoken and that line has always reaced to my soul. If there is nothing about me that you should know and understand, is that I have a great amount of faith.
Not just in myself. But in those who come into my life. When I think about my visit to Chicago, I went mainly on faith. I did all that I could do to get ready, saving my little money and making the travel arrangements. If Nebraska didn't show up, things could have been a little chippy. But I knew why I had to be there at that time, and I did what I knew to do. So that is where faith comes in. That is how it works for me, that after you have done the things you have needed to do, your faith can be rewarded. Mine was. I got to renew my relationship with my sister, and I found out what it was like to hold onto a dream. Can't beat that!
When I think about not speaking to Mookie about our relationship, I sometimes wonder if this is contradictory, professing to be someone who would walk across the burning sands to salvage a relationship. Then, I recall a comment about leadership ... that if you can't get anyone to follow you, then you are just going on a long walk.
Before one of my Carolina babies visited last summer, it seemed wh had a spring where each month brought new discussions. I remember vividly how during one of the talks, Mookie mentioning that," ... you have something to talk about once every month." With that, I discovered that all the adjustments that I had made during the past year had not had much effect. At some point, there comes a time when your returns on your investments begin to diminish. And having reach that 'null zone' with Mookie, I don't see where I can afford to take my resources and continue to put my energies into a relationship that doesn't renew me?
So this isn't just a whim, this is a quite serious thing.