Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Big Brother is watching

The Two Minute Hate …

I have to watch my language … not as far as expletives go, but how I talk with myself. Today was the first time that ‘hate’ popped into my mind, and stayed there, when I had to think of Mookie. Right now, I hate what she does, and how she operates.

We had a conversation while she was helping finish dinner, about the liquor set-up that are available during the holidays. She mentioned some of the brands, but it was Grey Goose that caught my attention. I am by no means a drinker; even though I would order a cognac, I don’t think that my three, maybe four times a year tippling counts as ‘drinking’. But I do have those glasses, so I guess you can say I drink.

She talked about how nice they looked. I had seen the display in a store, and thought that would be something we could do … if things were different. So when she mentioned that they had caught her attention, I was ready to start making a holiday evening for us. I asked her, “What was your Grey Goose moment, what did you see drinking Grey Goose?”

First I had to get her to work with me. She kept trying to tell me that she doesn’t drink <she does, but it is about like me … very little>. Then when she was able to grasp the fringes of the concept, she said flatly, “People getting drunk.” Well, that was $40 dollars saved! It grates upon me, her lack of insight or understanding of mood. “What does she think?”, I wonder. “Does she have any dreams or notions of what she wants in her relationship? How could you be without any thoughts of what romance is, and how to take advantage of opportunities to love, or even MAKE opportunites to love your partner?”

I was able to give her a brief look at what might have been, us at a club watching the ball drop and sharing a ‘year long kiss’. It was at that moment, the word ‘hate’ flashed across my mind, and it lingered a few long seconds before it begin to dim. Want to be careful here, because that isn’t a word to be trifled with. Today was the first time I could associate it with Mookie and some of her behaviors though. Not a good sign. Because it isn’t far from being associated to Mookie herself …

Like I don’t know how she can sleep comfortably with me here in the basement. It could be argued that someone is making sure she gets her ‘tune-up’, I don’t think so, to a 99.9% certainty … reason being that this is behavior she accepted with her last partner. His rationale was that since she snored so badly <truthfully, she does> he needed to sleep on the couch. That isn’t why I do though. I just have a problem with intimacy with her in bed. No touching or kissing, or even proximity in bed. So not cool in my view, and that out of all her habits <sleeping with the telly on and a fan, acting as ‘white noise’ for her> is what drives me out of bed.

Asking her why is like peeling an onion -- to start would mean the peeling away some many other layers before you got to the center of it all. Also, the excuse making is over, because we have had direct conversations where I told her simply what I was looking for. And like most things that you ask for directly in a relationship, the requests were ignored or left unattended to.

It is no longer about talking and salvaging this relationship, at least not on my end. All the effort that I had to give, was given. I am not going to find myself empty in a dying relationship. I will have enough so that I can go on elsewhere, and remake myself yet again.

Man, I am sooo very unhappy here. Jill sing my song … been listening to ‘Come See Me’, because that is what I could use right now, someone to come and take me away from this.

But it is never that easy.

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