Friday, November 30, 2007

Down and set

Hearing me repeat something isn’t a sign of my forgetfulness always … repetition saves lives, repetition prevents error, repetition creates wealth … repetition does so many more things than keep me from being a doddering middle-aged man wandering around looking for his shoes. Repetition indicates importance.

Either it is to enforce rules of a household, or define the boundaries of a relationship; repetition creates the familiar within each and every connection. Being honest, I acknowledge some of my limitations. In fact, sitting with Ms. Neal, looking through employment opportunities on the Internet, I admittedly fit ‘pieces’ of the job requirements, including jobs that I have previously held. Only pieces, not the complete whole.

BUT … I do fill many of them and one of the things that I do have, is my ability to make sense of things, to follow logical progressions, and see things through to the end. I still have vision, and the determination to follow what it is I see. Bottom line, I just trust myself. My instincts are still with me, and I never lacked for confidence.

Now with what is going on in my life, this frustration, this confusion, makes me an imposter to myself. I may make mistakes, but I have always known who I was. Today, I don’t know who it is looking back at me in the mirror. Somewhere underneath all of the camouflage and deep into the underbrush, I am somewhere in there, fighting my way through. It is a phrase that has lost some impact, given its colloquial use in the hip-hop/r&b pap that dominates the airwaves, but I have to get back to being me.

This is going to be a daunting task, not only in scope but in length. The minimum out time is 12 months from February, 2009. That I would max out in June of that year is hard to conceive. But some of the greatest achievements of history have spanned glorious lengths. From the audacity to conceive of such a grand vision, to having the determination to see that vision through, is what I will have to show now. After all, time is fickle and the week at age 2 is not the same week as it is at age 13 … just as the long month is not the same at 20 as it is at 29 … time is always what you make it, and if you aren’t working towards something, time is even more slippery and capricious enough to work against your goals.

I have always been completely honest with myself. That is what I am being now. Admitting to my shortcomings also means I have to acknowledge and secure my strengths. I have to make what I have work for me, and not be stingy in its use. That is what I am going to do.

December is zero month … all planning and preparations need to be made and examined. This new year will truly be that, a new year, a new vision, a new direction.

No comments: