Tuesday, October 9, 2007

... I guess I am going to have to get a new AOL disc ... anyway, I am sitting here, listening to some Brand New Heavies and just trying to feel my way through my feeling ...
... my email that I sent to Mookie last Friday didn't make it ... so I sent her another one ... some of the impact may be lost ... because I wanted to let her know that I was feeling really good about us as a family ... before we got into our usual rut ..! <<I wonder if this is what it is all going to be about ... she sometimes 'forgets' about me ... and I do mind, because I am not orientented to be such a secondary figure in someone's life ... I would rather be alone than to be with someone and FEEL alone
... so I am stuggling with my own internal issues, ones that would make me flat out sabotage things ... << don't want to make things harder on her than they already are ... but that IS part of our problem ... we don't really 'talk' ... and that is an irratant ... she went off to watch lil' Mookie play ball ... without discussing things with me ... I also wonder what is going to happen Thanksgiving ... if she is going to 'discuss' her sister coming here or not ... because I don't believe in 'tit-for-tat' but
I will start making my own unilateral choices and decisions and let her deal with the consequences ... I won't press things, because I don't want the relationship to fail, but it would seem that there isn't anything to supplant practical experience ... she will have to 'see' and 'live' what she does ...

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