... and I was telling Ron that I wanted to be AHEAD of the game ...
It HAS been a long time since I have made an entry. This has been to my detriment. I needed to have my head out of my butt a LONG time ago. Journaling is a great way to clear my mind and get focused. I hate having to do it under the cover of darkness i.e. hidning it, but the only way that I can insure that it doesn't get found is to do it on line <not that it can't be found, but it is the only risk that I am taking ... I do think it is 95% secure>.
My good friend from Detroit came and paid me a well-recieved visit. It felt great to see him as I do feel so very isolated up here. That the irony of feeling isolated when I have lived a mostly self-indulgent life with little regard for others, is not lost upon me. During our wide ranging discussion, I spoke to him about wanting to get started moving towards something, anything. Plans in my mind of doing different things and hopefully positively affecting the arc of my life. So it goes without great surprise that once I have further concreted my plans <at least in my mind>, that I am left with conflicting information regarding my environment.
See, I am in the process of appling for disablity to the Social Security Administration. The pittance that I recieve from the state of Michigan for diablity is laughable, but does not excuse me for not having contributed more to my girl <uh, no names, this may be secure, but the emphasis is on MAY BE>. At any rate, I think that she has reach a point of extreme weariness, as tonight she was joking with her sisters about me. It is also my experience that when comments like those are tossed about, that the light flashing in the corner of your eye is expiration indicator going off ...
... which is in contrast to the secure feeling that I felt from her the previous day and certainly from how I led my friend to believe. One of the first things I have to do <and to that end, a journal entry cometh ..!> is to remain composed and focused ... I am still in a disadvantaged position, and I have to work from there. As much I as dislike it, I am going to have to avoid confrontation, because that is to me, what the foward pass was to Woody Hayes ...
... tomorrow I will do a run back from the health clinic. With my weight gain, I have to really get my mind set to working off the weight. Watching the tubbies on the show "Biggest Loser" should be motivation enough. I have to stay focused with a laser-like precision ... because if the fissures in my realtionship grow ... ooh ... that is pretty dark going down that road ...
... I am going to just focus forward, get out of bed tomorrow and start like I plan on making a real life ..!
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