... same as yesterday ...

... I was tired the other day ... but I had hoped to put out that I know Mook sees me as her truest of loves, and that complicate things ... doesn't make it anymore difficult, because hurting someone's feelings is hurting someone's feelings ... and it needs to be done ruthlessly, and with as little, if not none at all, remorse ...

... today, spoke to AKA and had an interesting conversation ... nothing particular, just an interesting conversation ... I know that I could get back ... but that is jumping from one far-flunged rock to one even further out ...

... there is just a something about her, a phoniness that I have never been able to put my finger quite on ... I do know that I was uncomfortable with her being so super non judgemental about the condition at my Mom's house ... after seeing HER crib, I think that I understand ... her house is like one of those weird old people, who live alone with a bunch of cats or stray dogs ... I cannot get with her and her deeper psychosis ... too much for me ...

... AKA also is a cool girl ... super, super down<isn't everyone??> for me, but I never got over that initial unease about her ... and after what I went through blowing the feeling with my ex wife, I would rather hesitate and lose out on her, than to pursue her ... but she is in 'the in case of emergency, break glass' category ...

... there are plusses to her ... I love that we can have psuedo-intellectual conversations, and I am not afraid to stand up to her, and stronger enough to persuade with my thoughts ... her peeps are cool, though they seem to like me well enough, there is a general unease with them ... something just beyond the grasp of my feelings, but there nonetheless ...

... so that brings me to SD ... and the new target ... right now, I don't know how I will get from here to there, but that is my goal ... I should still be working, still with her ... but that is my bad ...

... still being faux hung up over Tee Jay cost me ... SD was super down ... at a level that few approach for someone ... and I know without a doubt, that she loves me ...

... and the concerns I have about her, are really, at this stage, and level of life, minor ... so I all need to do, is handle business on my end, which is going to school and getting it going for transfer to a four year college. ... no, everything won't just 'fall into place' but staying focused on what is ahead and not looking back over my shoulder atwhat was, then wonder what could have been ...

... I hope this is helping me hone my focus ... tired of being so head between my bootycheeks ..!

... all of this, and nothing ...

Cast of Thousands ...

 

...so, you wanna know who it is I am referring to, and what their relationship is to me ..? well, here goes ...

Mookie Dee ... is a girl that I dated originally back in 89 -'90 , and I am her true love ...

... that part really blows my mind ... and it isn't egoism at play here ... SHE told me ... and this is very new for me, as it has ALWAYS been me with the sensation of finding that perfect person, and I had to mold and shape myself around to their desires ...

... Mook has been wonderful, and is super supportive ... and she puts up with me and my funny ways <such as this computer and playstation!!>, which is a big thing considering that I don't have a job, and the bills are piling high ... it has been a strain on her, but she toils without much complaint ... she DOES seem full emotionally ... she has her truest and dearest of loves, a wonderfully adjusted daughter, and a man <er, that is me!!> who dotes on her and her daughter ... we are a cute nuclear family ...

... that is, if I stay ... something isn't right here, and this is beyond my looking back towards where I came, wishing that I had my life back ... and my yearnings to be with SD ... but this isn't what this entry is supposed to be about ...

... right now, my perculating mind, is conjuring up a vision of a future for me ... and though there are several possibilities, the one that calls to me, will entail some diabolical manchinations ... such as leaving Mookie holding the basket ...

... I live with so many regrets, that one more isn't going to kill me <but Mookie might!! LOL!!!> and I do think that what I intend to reach for is worth it and will be the best choice for me ...

... it is sad, as much as I mean to Mookie, that she is ever my consolation prize ... but as sweet as she is, and pretty and thoughtful, that is what she is to me ... and for that, I feel for her ...

... and Lil' Mook doesn't need to be a party to this kind of garbage ... she is thinking that she has a step something or other in me ... and while I am here ... she does ...

... but as time goes on <becaue this is going to be a process ... not a 'wham bammer' ...> we will become closer and she will of course become older ... so she will begin to make some kind of abstract constructs from the household relationships ... she will be able to understand what is happening, and when I pull out, what HAPPENED ...

... and hopefully, not be victimized herself, by someone like me, who was called 'the Emotional Rapist' by a girl who, not unlike Mook, may have saw me as that 'total age' love ...

...Mookie is a great girl ... she has a job that she rightfully worries about ... seems like it has changed corporate hands several time in the past few years, and though the turk hasn't stopped at her desk, their have been downsizing going on where she is at ... and eventually, that will mean ... that will mean I will be expected to carry a burden, and it is one that will keep me until I pass into the great beyond ...

... so I am utlimately using Mook ... now, this isn't a closed deal ... evereything is in the rough draft stage, but I can feel a green light for this project .... man, doing this to Mookie is going to hurt something terrible ... good thing I don't plan on being in the vincinty when it all falls in ...

... but that is a long way away ... I could just take my onw advice, I would be cool ... I have to, this time for sure ... I just wish that it would leave such a bad after taste in my mouth, for me to do what I am proposing to myself to do ...

...well, clarity will come, because this is still confusing ..!

... losing more ground ...

Lessee ... I do want to say something, but everything is so jumbled up ... AKA was supposed to have called yesterday, but as far as I can tell, never did that ... spoke to SD at work today, and she said she'd call tonight ... man, my head is so far up my butt, I don't know where my rear ends and my neck begins ...

So, it must be true ... you live to make the same mistakes over again, until you have learned the lesson ... and that is what is occuring here ... Mookie, lil' Mook, aren't too dissimilar from my ex wife and her daughter in the roles they occupy in my life ... but the biggest difference that I can see in the situations is my personal outlook ... with my ex wife, I still had hopes, still had dreams ... now, I don't, and I think that it is showing ...

... music means a whole heck of a lot to me ... I remember when I really felt this particular cd, after I had seen the video being played at the Foot Locker in the Fairlane Town Center in what, '96 ... I had bought the cd from a music club, and just had it ... it wasn't until I saw the funky video that I really dug it ... I told the guy working, who was grooving to the cd, that it was a French crew, and they were funky like that for real ... needless to say, that I did not know at the time if that was true or not, but the song 'Cassius1999 Remix' is a buoyant song for me ... or at least has been ...

... right now, I am so conflicted and confused ...this provincial town has been a dismal experiment, after being unable to find work ... and I really can't explain that ... I look normal and employable, don't I ..? I do think that is a big part of it, the look ... see, I do think that racism is alive and well, and occupies a place near and dear to the people that gives the interviews ...

... I just don't understand how I could have known what I knew about my last job, and still muffed it ... I knew what I risked ... and so I suffer ... and so I suffer ...

... SD does still feel for me, but I wonder how deeply she feels for me now ... I don't know if I want to know, at least not now ... what I really need to do, is to get over myself, and find my way out of the mess I am in ... just a job cleaning floors would help, but I couldn't even get that job ... after being interview by Wanda, the trailor woman ... that has been the most insulting part of not finding work, that the interviews have gone well, and I feel they have went swimingly, but for some reason, I don't get the call...

... and if you aren't from the provinicial town, you may not really understand, but there aren't too many employed brothers walking around in offices or anything, if you are feelin' me ... so that is part of why I am longing for Detroit ...