Free Wheeling

Sitting here like Butch Lewis in Mike Tyson's dressing room before his fight with Michael Spinks ... I am very glad that State won FRIDAY NIGHT. That was the game that I wanted, just for me. Was feeling a little worn ... have been all month.

Of course I am more than a little disappointed that Tee Jay and I aren't on the same wavelength. Does it mean that we won't ever talk, that I won't ever call? Why wouldn't I?

Now mind you, the purpose of telling myself that I can call her, is so that I don't. Anyone who has tried a diet, knows how difficult it is to stay away from foods on the 'cheat list'. By not putting her on a 'do not call' list, I can ask myself if I really want to call her, and subject myself to I'd be doing, to engage her. For me, this works a lot better than trying to demonize her, and pull my hair out over what I can't control, and have little influence over.

But I was very glad that State won the other day, in particular. I thought that Kansas had really improved since the game in January. Overcoming big deficit and calmly taking the game over in the final minutes (moments?) meant a lot for me. They never lost heart, and they never gave up. It would mean a lot to Michigan for them to come home for the Final Four. (of course, this is being started before the game ... no, I won't adjust it for what happens in real time!!)

And it meant a heck of a lot to me, too. I needed them to win, because I was down. They get by Louisville (nearly stopped there in another lifetime ... fought there a few times!) and I think it would mean a lot to many other people as well.

Couldn't sleep last night, especially since 'Unforgiven' was running on Bravo (??). Too bad that certain readers haven't seen that film yet, cause if it is in rotation, I am going to watch it, and identify with it.

...speaking of movies ...

THE PRINCESS BRIDE

That is the movie that Facebook assigned me! It made me think of movies that really grabbed me when I first saw them, but wouldn't identify with (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Usual Suspects), movies that I thought were really good, and I saw some of me in (A Bridge Too Far, Double Indemnity, Forrest Gump), and movies that I really identify with, like 'Unforgiven'.

'Castaway' is another movie that I could see myself in. Chuck Noland's (Tom Hanks) love for his girl helped keep him alive ... and it also helped him to let her go ... I am a little nervy about 'spoiling' it, but for me, Nebraska is the 'package with the butterflies' on it.

Another movie that I found myself investing in, was Hilary Swank's turn as Brandon Teena in 'Boys Don't Cry'. I couldn't have let something like that happen, but I also know that I couldn't have done anything to have prevent it, either. Lives wouldn't have crossed in enough places to have made a difference. That little crew were the lost stoners on the prairie ... like the urban 'brainwashed followers', oblivious to their future, impervious to the notion of hope. It was a struggle for the existence that they managed to have.

There was an exchanged between Brandon Teena (Swank) and a girl that would go out necking with him that grabbed me:

Girl - "You don't seem like you're from around here."
Brandon - "Where does it seem like I'm from?"
Girl - "Someplace beautiful."

Like Brandon, I have always felt out of place in Detroit. I expect to hear something similar from someone out in the corn fields or in the peach orchards and among the tobacco farms. Part of what eases my disappointment with Tee Jay, is what I was able to gather from our conversation, things that have always made me anxious to leave and see it I could find what I am looking for.

" If the rule you followed brought you to this, then what use was the rule?" -Anton Chigura, "No Country For Old Men"

That is what I would say to Tee Jay, but she is not alone. That is something that has kept this city stagnated, and the political outlook has seeped into the character of the people here, in many respects. People do the same failed things, show the same shortsightedness.

Anywho, "No Country ..." was a very good movie, a top ten entry. Another personal movie, not that it is one of the best I ever seen, was "Love In The Time Of Cholera", which I happened to see with Nebraska. It will always in my mind be 'her movie', though I was the one who wanted to see it. It was sort of funny how it came to pass that we saw it. I thought we were going in to see "Michael Clayton", and when "Love In The Time ..." came on, she huffed, but trooped it out. Good for her!!

"Apollo 13" is another movie which I want to believe that I can find in me somewhere. With that kind of pressure and such high stakes involved ... where for real the margin for error was as small as the window they used to keep the Earth in line for the key maneuver to so they could get back home.

CHIGURA - ISM

I liked that line, because again, tying it in to people who want one thing but can't understand why they don't have it in their lives, I think they find themselves in violation of that very valid point. They have wants and expectations, but what have they done to get ready to receive what they want in their lives? Wayne Dyer makes a case for the universal source as being complete in itself. If you come to it in want, rather that in expectation, then it will give you back the 'want', instead of what you desire.

My hope and expectations aren't born of naivete. I happen to firmly believe in certain things, and that they sound a lot like what successful people say, isn't parroting, it simply IS.

For you to say that all men our dogs, mean that in your life, that is what you will get. You have to change the way you see the world, then what you see will change. For me, it was to acknowledged what I was doing and how I saw the world was contrary to what I really desired in my life. Reconciling it all wasn't easy, but nothing worth it ever is. "The greater the difficulty, the more the glory surmounting it." - Epicurious. I have said since I was a kid, that 'life ain't easy, but it ain't hard'. Being willing to commit to the having to work harder at something than ever, is the perseverance I hope to summon in the last half of my life.

Because this is what I am telling myself everyday, no matter what challenge I face. that I am going to get thru it, on the terms that I set for myself. I think that part of 'doing better now that I know better', is not letting how tough things are, the illusion that the shadow of diffculty cast, deter me from my path.

THE BIG FINISH

Summing up things, I liked that the app kicked out 'The Princess Bride' for me. Sure, we could sit and dish about stuff, talk about shopping and who knows, maybe I will start watching 'Desperately Real Lost Housewives of the Unit' so we can have something to talk about. What ever it takes to make a realtionship work, friends or something deeper.

Right now, I am more disappointed than hurt with Tee Jay. I always traded on her 'pass card', socially. But she allowed for me and my 'eclectic method', and to feel like she would rather ignore Anton question, and follow the same path that left her wanting ... saddens me more than it hurts. I don't know what to say. It is difficult to rise to the place where you can let the good that is in you out. And who am I to say anything, anyway?

What I know is that I want certain things, and I am willing to do what I got to in order to make what I want a part of my life.

It is halftime as I finish up ... and State is playing super well, looking relatively Final Four -ish!