... and why did Atlas shrug?

BECAUSE HE WAS TIRED OF BEARING THE WEIGHT

Yet, the weight can be seen as a gift, right?

STIFILED FRIDAY NIGHTS

... unless State wins their game. There isn't some obtuse 'Mark-oteric' to them winning or not. I just want them to. For me.

Now, I guess I should get it all out, in a 'now it can be told' fashion. Spoke to Tee Jay and while we covered many points, I am still left with at least as many questions than before our conversation.

The feeling I have is one of, 'well, what did you expect?' No, she didn't hurt my feelings, but that is part of it. I would rather she did, or at least try. Being vague and all, was not what I was aiming for. One of those, 'I'll always care for you ...' type of deals. Right.

Usually, I try to be even handed, making sure that if anything, I take the brunt of whatever is going on. This time, I don't feel like it. Her open ended conversation means only one thing for me now.

Away. It means I have to stay away from her. She is everywhere in my life though, has been for the last ten years. She is the only person I have tried to keep the cards that they sent to me, little momentos of where we've been and what we had done, a scrap book kind of deal. Being that I don't have one even of myself, this was a big thing for me. Now, with things being as they are, being what they will be, I am wondering what am I to do?

Don't answer. That is rhetorical. I KNOW what I am going to do. 'The Nebraska Concept'. It has always been option #1 for a reason. See, that is what made this 'ex list' such a challenge for me. I could have crashed like the waves against the shore, and perhaps her outer walls would erode and then give way. But crap like that doesn't happen in a great enough frequency to suit me. Worse, what is it that I would have gained by 'winning her back'?

When I say that I take a 'foward position', I am saying that look, I know I have my issues. I will tell you well enough in advance most (how can you tell someone 'all' that is in your closet? Until you get to know THEM, you really don't know what will offend them or cause them to rethink their opinion of you, do you?) of the 'dirt' that I have accumulated and what I have done to try to clean my self up.

There are other general issues, such as fidelity, honesty, and direction, that I can provide an insight, if not answer to early on. By getting this out on the table first, it is just like in a boxing match, what stepping forward behind a jab does. Makes someone react and show what they have to offer up in a relationship.

CONTRADICTION IN TERMS

That is what I did hear from her. I mean, I have recalled enough of how I felt when she said 'she wanted something different', and gave me a chance. Now, she KNOWS that I am something different for her norm ... which is what she expressed a desire to find. But we both know the risks of doing that, right? Okay then, I get it. May not like it, but I get it.

We talked about a lot of things, but the details don't matter. That I feel sort of confused about her, is my answer. I didn't get what I was looking for, which was clarity and if not that by chance, then closure. And that is how it has to be. Things aren't like movies and soap operas, where things are tied off, no matter how convoluted thing are. This is clearly a case of "Doing what's best, not what's easy", coming into play.

It would be easy to pine away, letting something that I actually don't have, get at me. I could call, try to visit her, send cards and letters ... do whatever, to try to win her favour. Unfortunately, that isn't my style. Part of what makes being willing to accept criticism does for me, is that it also lets me absorb my disappointments and move on.

When Alexis Arguello lost to Aaron Pryor a second time, I remember one picture of Arguello sitting on the canvas as the referee counted, arms draped over his knees. That has stayed in my mind, along with another lesser fighter who went to a knees, as the picture that comes up when it is time to for 'a run' to end. In both examples, the cats gave all that they had. It just wasn't going to be enough.

The bad 'training mission' I ran earlier this month, was just that. Get things together and 'hit the books'. Obviously, I need more 'study' before I go out on another run. It was more that their were other complicating factors that had me get out to the slow start. But that is not the last of 'March Madness' for me.

MISSION CREEP

It is going to happen. Have no doubt about that. In fact, it IS happening.

Now, when I left Mookie, I gave myself a window of 18-24 months to get things together to go to Nebraska (the place ... like space!!). I have learned that there will be more to it, and that the 'more to it' will require more money. So instead of the 'early' portion of the window, 15 - 18 months, I am looking at the 'later' window, 21 - 24 months.

What will it mean to still be at this particular computer in July of 2010? Shudder to think. At any rate, I should be able to really 'store up' my Michigan life, and begin to live a new one, as a new person sort of like the folks who survived their experience being caught in the past, in the novella, 'The Langoliers'. Old, but 'new'.