TWO CALLS

One of the things that made for some of my 'blahs' in the month of January is that I sort of felt as if I was dealing with things on two fronts.

With Valentine's coming up, having already put my dibs in with Tee Jay back in December, I wanted to get a feel for how things were sitting with her. We don't haven't been talking that much, and I didn't know how she REALLY felt, because 'what she said, and what she meant', may have been different from 'what I heard, and what I got' from her words.

Did not pester her, let her have her New Year's ... waited until after the holiday to call her. Did that twice.

HOW SOON IS NOW?

It never came to me, what exactly was I supposed to do, as far as pursuing someone who was an 'ex'. I remember 'hoop jumping' with my ex wife as we fussed and played 'house'. Other than with her, I didn't ever try to get with someone I had broken off a relationship with, no matter who was calling things off or why. Part of that was my insecurity. I had enough time getting the courage up to put myself out, and my approach has always been what I call 'forward of the line', meaning that I won't play with my feelings for you at the start. If I am diggin' you, I will let you know how I feel.

This, is different from standard dating policy. I live like I fight, which is coming forward, dictating the pace and forcing the action. I know what I know, and if I am feeling you, I don't have any reason to play coy with you, no excuse to be 'gaming' on you. That is why when I 'reintroduced' myself to Tee Jay, I let her know that I loved her and still would like to be with her ... BUT, that failing a relationship with her, I wasn't going to stay in Detroit. I let her know that my other plan was to leave for Nebraska.

In my eyes, this isn't a 'competition'. I am going to do whatever my life dictates to me. I want to be happy, preferably with someone who I love and who loves me back. Tee Jay said that she did, and I know that I do her. Should something develop between us, and we choose to build our relationship, that is what we will do and my choice will be made.

As far as Nebraska the person is concerned, she and I hope to be good friends. I don't have an exact read on the philosophical differences, or what ever else it is that the grit between a smooth relationship between us. May never find out. I have always said that if she is going to be there as a friend, that is MORE THAN FINE. I can be great friend to her, no doubt. That is something I look forward to as well.

First things first. When first I embarked on this thing, I was torn, wondering if I am supposed to 'check off' my exes as I go. Because honestly, the two fronts of 'what's best' and 'what's easy' are on blurred lines. Is it easier to go after Tee Jay, who I do sincerely love and want to be with? Is that what is best as well? To stay here in the 'unfriendly confines' of my hometown, surrounded by the familiar? There are reasons that 'being familiar' is something that works in Detroit's favor. It is a little complicated and more in the 'simple enough, but not too simple' vein. I account for that factor, and go from there.

But is that enough? Something in me also affixes the 'what's easy' notion to remaining in Detroit, and while 'quixotic' as going off to Nebraska may seem, it sounds like 'what's best'. A lot of that has to do with the conversation that was had in two calls.

PREP, PREP

I called Tee Jay back in January shortly after New Year's. Didn't get thru and left a message. A few days passed, and it wasn't returned. Being a guy, I figure that I am supposed to initiate things, and did so. When the phone was picked up, her daughter answered the phone. Her Mom was busy, and she said that she would call me back.

I am still waiting.

Wanted to make sure that I could plan on taking her out on Valentine's, for my one night out for the month. Here is where the line stood, the line of demarcation where pride drew between desire and self respect. Between doing what's was best, and doing what was easy.

For me, it is quite simple. I REFUSE to compete with b.s. competition. I STILL don't think she is finding the quality of person to be with in her present social circle. What ever keeps her from returning my phone calls ... hey, I could be wrong about that. Not that I am that great of a catch, after all, it does depend on what means most to her. Maybe she doesn't find me having a role in her life.

Does it matter much WHAT keeps her from returning phone calls in a timely and direct manner, or does it means more that she DOESN'T? I tend to side on the latter, as it stands to reason that someone that doesn't return calls, also says 'I am not interested'.

A friend out here, was facing a similar 'call or not call' situation. Part of why I still feel that this 'Ex List' is good idea for me, is that Tee Jay should know that is how I am going to take her (in)action.

So it is, what it is.

WHAT HE LEFT BEHIND, HE HADN'T VALUED ...

And that is again, what it is. From the song 'Call of the West' by Wall of Voodoo (hey, Stan Ridgway is going to be here in March!!). I think it is a song about what a person goes thru when the time has come to decide on a path. Took that one line, 'what he left behind he hadn't valued, half as much as some things he never knew ...' to heart. It has played as a part of my life's soundtrack forever. So I always discount the notion that I am 'running' or 'escaping' from something. This is, simply a part of who I am. I am not the only one in my family who has the 'it's out there, and I have to go and get it' to them. That is why it is funny in some ways that I am here in Detroit, and everyone else is gone.

Enough times I have been thisclose to finding it out there. And I know 'out there' is where it is for me.

NOW YOU SEE WHY SHE'S ALWAYS RAN 'SECOND'

I don't know what I don't know about Tee Jay, and I am not sure if I need to know. I have enough information about her to form an opinion, and make a reasonable estimation on what is happening for her, as far as her love life is concerned. And based on my estimate, if that is what she want to do ...

'B.S competition'. Like Mookie, like my ex wife, they fish from questionable spots. So be it. Do your thing. I didn't want to mention my discomfort before the month was done, because that was the deadline I had set. Didn't want to 'jinx' myself, because I started to do 'other things' in my mind already. I wanted to do them, and now I can now state to her that I decided to go in a different direction when she didn't call, should we speak before Valentine's. Catch me in March ... maybe.

From her own mouth, she is still seckled up to the same ally cats she was when I first met her. She does really deserve better, honestly. Same as maybe I do. But because we or some think that we should deserve better, doesn't mean 'better' is what we get.

GOAL SET, AND REACHED

So I can go about getting the other complicated things in my life straight, finding a new MD, budgeting for my two away trips, and maybe trying to find a job. Home life is stable in its instability. Things are a little too fluid for me around here, but it is what it is (you know, I smile a little thin smile when I drop a term like that!)

If something is really someone elses' 'loss', then make it so. I don't think I can get caught up over someone who doesn't want me. Dealing with the idea of being in a relationship, and wondering what it can be like, what I am going to be like, after I make the improvements that I need, I can do that. Being all angsty because someone doesn't want me ... sorry, that isn't what I am about.

There are more than enough to fight and oppose so why waste good times fighting for someone who doesn't want you to win? What am I telling myself when my emotions catch in the back of my throat? The same thing Marcellus told Butch in 'Pulp Fiction' regarding the fight they fixed ... "That's pride f*ckin' with you. Fight thru that".

Besides, it is sunny outside ... why shouldn't it be sunny inside of me too?