In The New Year

https://youtu.be/dpBH1Dx2lI8

The Life And Times

Depression is hard.

As I dealt with my own internal struggles with the season (which came off winningly), a very serious migraine arrived, blooming with an aura while I was at work on the 20th, and just recently subsiding.  But other than that, the holidays have been pretty alright.  If there is any real disappointment, it is that I was not able to get out any holiday greetings to the few friends that I have made through the blog and keep in touch with.  I am going to amend how my approach to not only the holiday season but to my relationships as well.

For instance, I want to be sure that the people I have met and associate with through the fitness center I work for KNOW that I think they are kind of neat.  To say nothing of my good friends at Nutwood and my maybe-neighbors-to-be in the Motor.  I do think that I was able to have the presence of mind to send Nebraska a card, but I would not hold my breath.  From the tension, I felt as the season drew near (which prolly added to my migraine) being on the other side of it feels good.  Now, for my departed Mom’s birthday, with which I will mourn the regressiveness of the coming Presidential administration (Mom’s B-day is Jan. 20th).  Speaking of which…

Yes, I am a more than a little frightened about the next 4 years.  Being disabled, what goes on in Washington is a bigger deal for me.  Though I should be done with Metro Community College this summer, as well as a Certified Personal Trainer, I don’t know if I will be entering into the best of economic conditions.  Judging from the people that are going to be involved with the incoming administration, it looks as though the darkest of times are forthcoming for this country.

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I don’t have a lot going on with regard to my personal comings and goings.  That stability that I have achieved in the last few years, certainly since I have been in Omaha, has allowed me to be able to manage my emotional perspectives.  The kind of randomization that occurs when a life is careening from one personal fiasco to the next has ceased.  I work in an environment that is not only comfortable but is a caring and nurturing one as well.  My home life is stable, surrounded by people who invest in me emotionally.  I feel supported and appreciated for being a part of their lives.

Having access to a mental health professional has also contributed to the lack of journaling. Not having to deal with “storms brewed in a teacup” domestically means I have more energy to deal with things myself.   So for now, I sometimes think of making my journal more of a “Dream On” kind of story, filled with side riffs using media to express ideas and feelings (or perhaps they will be more like the short-lived “Andy Richter Controls The Universe”!).

So now that my internal life has become stable and I find myself moving along in the direction that I set out for when I started journaling, hopefully, there won’t be a lot of flux as I continue on.  While I am not naive to think that I am immune from anything, the chance of me acting against my own best interests has been reduced.  There have been times where my thoughts are not unlike the thoughts I had in my 20’s… only that I understand that there is a certain ceiling to my hopes and dreams, and unless I “hit the lottery”, my level best will be more than enough for me.