It is different journaling from the perspective of having begun an achievement-filled ascent of a mountain. Nearly all the troubles that plagued the climb prior to the organization of a climbing party, the difficulties in bringing together the material, the planning that was fraught with the concern of “what if” (like lies, I don’t believe in dealing in doubts, either) and the ever-looming shadows of uncertainty disappear in the bright lights of the climbers’ intention. So it is with my journal, which was never intended to look for pity or plead my case of the injustices of my life, that the direction of my current tacking should reflect the truest state-of-being of my consciousness.
The things that I am looking forward to are all things that I have, in a sense, been looking forward to. Bringing KT to the Motor with the intention of finding her older sister is one. I have never wanted any of my daughters to be kept from each other. That the girls have not met is very ironic, at least when you consider some of the experiences and professed beliefs of both Pecan Sandie and my ex-wife. And though there are some reservations in the case of things going badly, I am sure that whatever the result, it will be one that is fulfilling and spiritually expansive.
One of the things that I will accomplish with this break is that I will get into tip-top condition. I have started back running, taking baby steps, and I don’t know how far I will get into running for distance. I have seen articles saying long-distance running causes scarring on your heart. There doesn’t seem to be much information on whether altitude affects that particular condition - I would think that folks in higher altitudes and/or better air quality are not as affected. But regardless of whether or not air quality is a factor, I will be doing more HIIT training to burn calories and increase my aerobic capacity.
Finally, I am going to purchase several books that I will be reading this academic year. One such book is “Being And Nothingness” by Jean-Paul Sartre. I hope to immerse myself in books of the like and see if there is some “room to grow” left inside of my mind.
IT’S ALWAYS AROUND ME … ALL THIS NOISE…
For me, it was more of a “static”. That is what I described the feeling of trying to get my thoughts together when I was with Mookie Dee. It was not because of the desperateness of our situation, her losing her job and my diagnosis of brain trauma. For me, it has always been more about how you think about a problem that is the bigger issue than the problem itself presents. All too many times people look at things and think that there are monsters lurking among the shadows that lay before them when all they have to do is take one more step to reveal the thing that they once feared was a trick of the lighting around them -- there was nothing for them to fear! Anywho, whether it is called “noise” or “static”, the significance of being able to name that thing which keeps my from actualizing the vision I hold of my best self cannot be measured. Instead of being at a loss at my state of being, I could now take action against something that was tangible and less of an ideal beyond my grasp.
The Tame Impala song, “Let It Happen”, is the anxiety of life set to music. The accompanying video, takes the mindless spinning that we believes separates us in the modern world from one another to another level. As the video closes with the harried, wrinkled-suit subject ascending to who-knows-where, I think the parallels with the stresses from living finally being enough, and he is freed from the insignificance of his life.
Maybe this is from “Metaphysics of Morals”, I can’t be sure. I know that I once possessed the book from where this quote is from and these words need to be hung on a plaque somewhere in my apartment! Now I don’t interpret Nietzsche as encouraging reckless, amoral behavior in the name of expressing the meaning/meaninglessness of life. But if you never take opportunity to experience “something” when it comes, you risk never having your life happen at all. And this song, along with its accompanying video is what you inherit when you play it safe through life.
It is only in the drift into eternity is fully realized. I don’t think that is what our existence is meant to be, an evolution of the Hobbesian perspective where life, even in the then-modern world, was about a level just above primal survival.
So I contrast my interpretations of the music/video and statements of perspective and form my own personal philosophy. There are enough of the “play-it-safers” going through life striving in vain for meaning of their lives. Me, “I think that I am nonsense”, and that all around me is nonsense as well...