THE AUDACITY OF HUGE

TACTICAL

For my Speech class, I talked about an exercise called the Burpee, or for the old schoolers who are reading, the squat thrust.   I was a little nervous and missed some of the lesser points I wanted to make during my speech.  Even with my missteps, I still received an A on my presentation.  In short, mission accomplished!

Next week, I plan on getting a head start on my college algebra class.  While I am equally wary of the science courses that await me, I know for certain that the algebra class is going to be a challenge.  I will likely reconnoiter biology classrooms getting advance intel on what is expected of the students by the school’s biology instructors, but my main focus during the summer will be on preparation for Algebra.

Changing the tires on London… so I will be a little more nimble and quicker on the road.  Speaking of roads… the city have added bike lanes to the street that the apartment building I live on is located, which is super cool.  I only hope that some strain of malfeasance strikes the socio-political climate here in Omaha and the state.  Omaha really is a nice place and the leaders and the people have created an environment here that is conducive to businesses and families alike.

HABITS

I was cleaning the indoor track located above the Cardio Area where I work and listening to my Spotify through my phone when this song played through my headphones:

The lyrics came to me as the “Blastmaster” spoke and reflexively I began to recite them, with a little bit of the bounce and effected an exaggerated pose of a past generation’s urban hoodlum.  In losing a bit of myself in the music, the lyrics that I were speaking, I glanced down to see if anyone was paying attention to me when I noticed an older, balding white cat looking at me!  I had to wonder what he was thinking and it occurred to me if this moment occurred 30 years earlier and outside on a downtown street, how things would have went between us… cat in his mid-to late 30’s and one of those “black guys” with $100 sneakers and rapping about racial injustice!  Music has always allowed me to project thoughts and feelings

without actually having to experience any specific event.  I don’t actually have to “live through this” to know the anguish that Courtney Love was singing about in the song, “Doll Parts”.  Instead of feeling like her or anyone else that I projected myself onto, I let the music experience whatever it was I was feeling and I continued on with my life.  An example of what I am talking about would be what occurred when I heard the Tove Lo song “Habits”.

So instead missing Princess in an active way with thoughts that lead me towards futile efforts at reconciliation, I just let Tove Lo’s emotional crisis do it for me.  This way I don’t find myself committing those regrettable errors that are the stuff of songs like “Habits”!  

 

Filling those quiet moments where reflection drifts into contemplation has never been that big of an issue for me.  I mean, the evidence of the most intense episode of missing someone has been covered at length, and that is what I feel for Tee Jay.  On Facebook after I gave the presentation I spoke of earlier, I had a keen sense of appreciation for as far as I have came and for those who helped in their support of my efforts.  Without Tee Jay, it is quite possible that I would NOT be in school, that I would not be further as far as I am in my process, and I had to let her know… and let everyone in my circle know who was responsible for my current state.

VALIDATION

Looking back, my display of gratefulness for Tee Jay also identified why she holds the place she does in my life.  It is not a matter of my internal flaws and personality triggers that led to me to holding her so close to my heart, but a real and genuine love that remains to this very day for each other, a love that is defined by ACTIONS.

I think that many who find themselves on the wanting side of the love equation, are there because they are simply WANTING.  They have no intention of doing anything that is obvious, a declaration of their feelings.  I could go on, talking about how many other priorities they have in their life, or how important “this or that” (and you KNOW how I feel about “this and that..!) is, and taking a cautious approach of their “inner Schopenhauer” is trying to gain a more favorable position in the relationship for them, simply for their own sense of well-being and gratification.  These are simply a few of the major reasons I think that people are less than satisfied with their relationships, and the latter one, is no small explanation for why Nebraska and I aren’t even e-friends, let alone companions.  This distinction is why I have stopped holding her in the esteem that I once had for her, and since the degradation of our relationship has continued to erode, that I find myself expressing the thoughts that accompany my reflection upon what we had between us.

Speaking simply for myself, I have to wonder what would have taken for me to have garnered better consideration from her.  Same goes for Princess, but I understood what possibly could have caused her to go in another direction.  But, really, I don’t care… for what could have been either of their rationale but I hope that the distinction between the two of them is clear.  In one coupling, the rule of “knowing the environment” was in effect, as there were no misunderstandings as to under what governed my feelings.  It the other, lack of communication and bold but incorrect presumptions were made.  Maybe one day I will get into more detail, and in the near future, because I need to clear space on my “hard drive” as I have other more promising programs to install.