Wednesday, March 5, 2014


I don’t know if I had any room to spare but I passed my Algebra class with a “C”.  Of course, I am of two minds of the result, the first mind being one of some disappointment with myself.  The measure is STILL pre-injury Mark, and that Mark would not have even been troubled with this stuff.  But the greater mind is one of pride and achievement, validation of a thinking and belief that has been with me since I first began to assert my own character as a small child.
There was some complications near the middle of February, with the weather and other personal issues that were directly related to my day-to-day processing, I was able to get through “the cruelest month” quite well.  I got my own taxes done and I filled out my FAFSA 2014-2015 without incident.  I am still going to take just one class next term, my speech class to finish out that requirement, setting myself up for a “scientific” finish, as I have to get a few of biological-type classes left to take.  From there, I will be looking forward to another graduation in 2015, as it will be Lexxie’s turn to take her walk across the stage!
...I am out of them when it comes to describing how has come to be that Nebraska and I are just barely acquaintances, people who occasionally finds reason to send the other a text message, or  construct an email with relevant information about the other’s day-to-day.  I don’t recall how many times that we saw each other last year, but other than by pure chance, I think we were in each others company once.  This strikes me as odd, as I am sure it would strike anyone who has been looking forward to finally getting the opportunity to meet their long-time, barely seen, enigma crush.  
Since I have arrived in town we have never had clear lines of communications open between us.  This has been due to a lack of fundamental understanding about the role that were were going to play in one another’s life. Or not.  I don’t know because I only seem to inflame the situation between us.  For instance, February she tried to initiate a dialogue, but I was not of the mind to agree to any terms of discussion.  Struggling with my class and trying to get the different documents filled out and prepared took up much more of my focus, and I could only readily handle the things that were most important to me.  I could only reiterate my schedule to her and left myself available on the days that were free for me and possibly convenient for her.  Still, it was not enough and would blow up into another firefight between the both of us.  Her opinion of “what I should have done” in regards to a meet, one where I was “a man” and “told her when and where” we were going to have our talk, was quite ironic.  It harkened back to a time in relationships that I thought was left behind.  
One of my favorite hip-hop axioms, “As for me, to say just how… if you didn’t know me then, then you could never know me now”, has always seemed straightforward and self-explanatory.  When I think about the line, it defines the “why” you are not a part of my life as it continues to evolve, and it also gives the “why” as to once an intimate relationship is done, it is done.
For example, while there is but the thinnest of possibilities that either Princess or Nebraska will ever be major players in one another’s life, I am at a lost at where to begin with either of them.  I don’t think that this question would ever come up with regards to the former, I will stick with the question as applied to the latter, as the greater investment was made in that coupling.  The reason that I am at a loss is not because I have suddenly forgotten how to speak to women, but that the Nebraska that I “never knew, did know, and hope to know” not only didn’t exist, but will never exist.  Of course, the very same can be said of me and be just as true.
Another reason that I content myself with the results of any relationship is that past performance predicts the future.  I have never thought that in relationships that enough attention was paid to the indicators of what contributed to the fail of character, which is critical to the fail, and put enough effort into challenging the circumstance once it recurs in the relationship.  In short, the things that I already know that is going to happen, I already can predict the answer once they occur in the future.
Habits, traits, are all hard to break once they have been validated. Once a person has revealed themselves and I weigh their actions against Schopenhauer's definition of where a person best displays their character.  Once I have done so, I then make the appropriate choices, content that while there may be hurt and recrimination at the outset, in the long game, things will likely prove to be done for the best of all actors involved.  After all, when one has done the best that they can, can anymore be asked of them?


abbiestreehouse said...

I liked the Schopenhauer quote.

(It took me a minute to get it, because I thought you said "Schrodinger," and I was picturing cats and boxes.)

Babz Rawls Ivy said...

I am always cheering for you. You have a fighting spirit that I admire.

krissy knox said...

Stopping by your blog to say hi, Mark. I just want to say that -- yes, I can see you are a man of high principles and take life seriously and strive for excellence -- but be proud of your C, as it was your best work. If it was, and I bet it was, be proud of it. And it IS a passing grade, after all. No, I'm not saying we always want to just pass, but if that's where we are for that little point in our life, than that's where we are in that ONE little thing in our life. Because you've had lots of things going on -- I'm sure that had to do with the grade. Anyway, it is what it is, which is a pass! So on to bigger and better things! It's only up from here. We'll be watching you to see what you do! We're proud of you!
krissy Knox :)
Sometimes I Think (blog)

abbiestreehouse said...

Just stopped by to recommend Waking Life once again- I really think you'll like this movie!

Ken Riches said...

Well done on getting your taxes done. Looking forward to September. Hang in there!